Hey, I'm almost to my 200th post! That's sounds pretty cool. This is 199, so I'll have a little festive aspect to the next entry.
Hope everyone is having a nice Labor Day weekend. I went to dance, as usual, yesterday, then a few of us went over to the nearby park for a picnic. It was a gorgeous day and fun to kick back in the sunny warmth and just talk and snack.
Z, who leads the dance had me cracking up with his stories about a camp he use to attend called "plantation farm" or something. It had another word in it that I can't remember, but a California camp with the word "plantation" in it just doesn't sound right. And he said he and the other kids used to do all the farm chores, like feeding the pigs and milking the goats, etc. These were the "camp activities." Now, doesn't that sound more like "free labor for the owners" camp? Then, he was saying they used to sing a song with the names "Cocaine Jim" and "Morphine Sue" or something. What happened to, "The other day I met a bear," and, "The wishy-washy washer woman"? I've been to camp; I know what "normal" camp is like! lol Not sure if the humor is coming across, but it was pretty funny at the time.
Today, I'm planning to attend a potluck and games gathering through the Non-Viol.ent Communication social network group I'm part of. Guess who's going to be there? Yep, S (formerly known as Sound Healing Chocolate Man). He actually emailed me last week, after seeing I was signed up to attend, to tell me he was happy to not sign up if I would feel more comfortable. I had been thinking about the situation because his name had started to come up among friends. I knew he had been at recent events where I easily could have been there too but hadn't for one reason or another.
I will say that my anger over his various acts of betrayal (the most recent being his bail-out a few months ago of our agreement to "try again" for a couple of months), has pretty much dissipated. I definitely have felt "over him" for quite a while but still felt some anger when he wrote an email back in June suggesting we should be ready to move on and be friends, and that we might write a book together. The man was cray cray! I didn't respond. But more time passed and it now feels somewhat inevitable that we "bury the hatchet," as it were.
So, I emailed back and we went to dinner Friday night and talked. It was good. He said he'd made some headway with his "despair work," as he's now calling it, which he feels played a big role in our relationship and final break up. Don't worry, I did hold his feet to the fire and say I wanted him to take responsibility for the deception. There is no excuse for keeping the facts about his ex-girlfriend's visit secret for several months (how does someone even do that?) or for not telling me earlier that he planned to move and that he wanted to end our "trying again" effort. That was in the works for at least a week or more and, during that time, we had been talking.
The phrase that has come up for me around the betrayals and their devastating impact on me and our relationship was that, "It didn't have to be that way." And I truly believe that. If he would have been honest and upfront about things, I wouldn't have felt so blindsided, and we wouldn't have blown apart as we did more than once. In any case, things happened the way they did and we are where we are.
We had some heart connection during the talk, once when I said I felt sad that he had seen me as the enemy. He reached out and we held hands in that way you do when you're broken up and you're sad about losing the good parts and you wish it could have been different. We also both agreed that the insecurity we both felt indicated a real issue - that something was not right around that reality. It shouldn't be that way, you know?
So, the talking was good, and we plan to have another conversation in the next week. Believe me, I have no intention to consider getting back together, and I doubt I even want to be friends because friendship requires trust. But I would like to be able to be congenial at events and meetings. I think today at the event will be okay, but we'll see. I know a lot of people there, so that will help.
Regarding my ovulation timing crisis, I did take an OPK this morning, and guess what? It showed a light line. So, sure enough, I bet it's going to be dark by tomorrow... which means I should trigger then and inseminate at my Wednesday appointment. Or at least that's what I'm thinking. I have a call and email into my doctor's office, so hopefully they'll get back to me first thing tomorrow morning. Doing my first injection tonight anyway. Finger crossed!