9/27/2012

Fear of Commitment

Seems like forever since I've posted.  Living in surreal-ville over here.  A dog changes your whole freaking life, that's for sure!  I don't know if I've mentioned, but I had a cat for 17 years.  I adopted her in college, and she died about three years ago or so.  When she died, I said I was not going to get another cat because the next thing I wanted to bring into my home was a baby.  It felt like I was "holding a space" for the baby.  But the years wore on.  And then when I realized this latest trial was a bust... I don't know, something went off in me.  It sounds strange, but I feel like I was compelled to get my puppy - like the idea just came over me and was irresistible.  And strangely, my housemate has never really cared for dogs, but he told me that when I brought it up to him, basically he was compelled to say yes, as well.  Like it just seemed to both of us that is was the "right thing to do."

But I won't lie.  The past few days, I've felt quite a bit of fear.  It's like, "What did I get myself into?!"  My commitment issues are going off big time.  A puppy is not a cat.  They depend on you at a completely different level.  And when they are little, oh man, they are little balls of terror.  Well, terror, and love, and joy, and puppy kisses, and play, and messiness, all balled into one.  Zoey cannot be left alone in the house or she will tear the place up and pee and poop everywhere.  She cannot be left outside because I'm afraid she will get into something back there - my housemate has a lot of gardening and other junk stashed around under the porch and by the garage, etc., and then there is all kinds of "nature" crap she can pick up and chew, like sticks and pits and pods and random tree sheddings.  Likely, they wouldn't kill her, but I worry about choking.  I am a total "Helicopter Dog Parent."  lol

My days have been a constant stream of taking her out, cleaning up her messes, feeding her, taking her to the vet (she has had diarrhea, poor thing - likely from worms and changing food, etc.), hanging outside and playing with her (lots of this and it's the most fun part!), lying with her snoozing away on top of me on the couch.  She snores when she sleeps; it's pretty cute.  Oh, and then worrying about her when I'm at work the last couple days.  I asked friends to come over midday and take her out for a while but I still feel bad leaving her for several hours at a time.  We don't have a "safe room" to leave her in, so I leave her in her dog crate, which is big enough for her to move around, with a towel and a her rope toy.  Today, I came home to an accident and spent my first time period home cleaning things up, when normally I'd flop on the couch for a while.  I've definitely been a lot more active, since Zoey came to town!  And I haven't gotten a full night of sleep since friday night.  We get up twice - once in the middle of the night and once in the very early morning.  After you've cleaned up enough crap, you do what you can to prevent accidents!

Anyway, back to the fear.  Interestingly, I think it has some similarity to what I feel when I get in a relationship (like a little claustrophobia)... but with Zoey, I know it's not ending any time soon.  This is a looong commitment.  If all goes well, I'll have her until I'm in my mid-fifties or later.  It's just intense to commit to something in a big way like this.   And I want to be a better parent/friend to her than I was to my cat.  I want to let her in more and be closer companions.  I think part of my feeling compelled was knowing that this is what I need.  I too easily fall into a selfish rut of doing what I want to do when I want to do it, and ending up living in sort of a bubble.  I want to give to another being, and I want to live a full and messy life, to expand versus contract.  And damn straight this is practice for having a kid, way more than I ever would have realized.  Once I can take her out and about and for walks, after her third round of shots, I think it will expand my circle even more.  Dogs are the ultimate ice-breakers, right?

So, bottom line, I don't regret it.  And when I hold her and snuggle up and get puppy kisses and see her cute little face looking up at me, my heart melts.  But, right now, this commitment is also putting some fear in me, folks.

11 comments:

  1. I cried the night I brought my older dog home. She seemed so calm at the Humane Society, but then that afternoon she was so wound up that she tore some of her stitches (from being spayed) out by jumping around. She was insanely hyper. I read the book Marley and Me and felt a tiny bit better. Both of my dogs are crate trained too, and it is actually the only place one of them feels totally safe. It will get easier when she is potty trained, hang in there!

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    1. Thanks, Ali, your comment makes me feel better.

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  2. Thank you for this post. I think it makes a lot of sense. I am planning to get a cat and I've definitely had moments of fear come up around it. I know that cats are low maintenance compared to dogs and certainly to kids, but the fear is still real. It is nice to know I am not alone in these feelings about pets.

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    1. Yes, definitely real! Look forward to talking more to you about this...

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  3. Don't worry; what you're feeling is pretty normal. I felt like that when I adopted my Sadie years and years ago. Like you with Zoey, I had to keep an eye on her constantly, and she was very high maintenance. It was exhausting, and I didn't know if I was up for to the task of caring for this high-energy dog. But we eventually got into a groove and learned how to deal with each other. She was the light of my life and worth every bit of trouble. :)

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    1. Thanks, Jenny, I'm glad to hear your perspective. I like what you said about getting in the groove and learning - I'm starting to see glimpses of that.

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  4. Good to hear from you and I liked your honest post. I think what you are feeling is percectly normal. I think its an adjustment and it will take a while until you get into a groove. Plus she is a puppy so needs all that much more attention with potty training etc now and it will get better. You are doing a good job.

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    1. Thanks, Sunflower! I appreciate your encouragement.

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  5. Oh, it is almost hard to remember most of those days. Diva is nine now and Fur-boy will be ten this month. I remember Fur-boy chewing up a pair of new shoes which I had foolishly left down. Diva still occasionally chews up the most random things she finds- most recently a debit card I had dropped. They are both crate-trained though they have reached an age when I seldom *have* to use the crates though Diva chooses to spend most of her day when I am at work in her open crate- much to my roommate's mystification. :-) Zoey will grown up and you will find you can't imagine life without her.

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    1. Thanks, MN. The crate seems safe and calming I guess. :-) Zoey usually mellows and falls asleep when I put her in there.

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  6. So I'm waaay behind on my blog reading / commenting but I wanted to let you know that I'm still following and rooting for you! And I love your stories about your new puppy. I love puppies. I've been trying to talk my hubby into a dog but we probably won't get one until at least the spring.

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