Donor Decision

I've been meaning to write a post about my donor plan, so.... here it is!

As you know, I was fervently hoping that the perfect co-parent situation would manifest for me, but no such luck.  I learned a lot in this most-recent exploration process!  Attraction does matter!  At least for me.   And it was eye opening to realize that many of us SMCs do choose our donors based on whether we would be attracted to them or date them (or have sex with them to be more explicit :) in real life.

The co-parent from L.A. to whom I WAS attracted physically ended up being a dud in other important areas like communication.  Case in point. we were supposed to meet when he came into town over Memorial Day.  I asked a couple of times for a time frame of when he wanted to meet up on Monday, which is when he said he would be available.  He never got back to me.  And he seemed generally evasive that week.  Then, on Monday, just before we were supposed to meet, I get a text saying traffic was bad and he won't have enough time to get together.  Grrrr

I kind of had a feeling it was going to happen, but still, it was frustrating.  I wouldn't want to be in a co-parent situation with someone who communicates like that.  Clearly, he was having doubts but, rather than say that or just cancel our plans ahead of time, he did what he did.

Anyway, if I had more time, I could continue the process: research another round of co-parents, contact them and start communicating, get down the the serious stuff, meet up a few times, etc.  But realistically, this does take at least a couple or months, ideally several.  So, I've let go of that option for this immediate round of trying.

What am I doing instead?  Donor insemination.  I've been down that road before, so I knew where I wanted to go and moved through the decision process very quickly.  The bank I chose, TSBC, has less choices than some of the other ones but has a lot of positives, including a nearby location that will allow me to pick up the sample myself.

The donor I selected is ID-release, and I felt a definite connection with him through his profile.  He has a large build, freckles, and is very creative. His baby picture looked a little bit like my nephew and was so cute to me.

This cycle continues to progress, and I have my first monitoring appointment tomorrow.  I hope I have several good follicles going.  I think I already said this, but I'm so grateful to have the monitoring as I go along to see how things are progressing, as well as the HCG trigger shot to assure the IUI is timed properly.  I've never had either of those things before, and it just felt like a stab in the dark.  I'll write a post after my appointment tomorrow.  Fingers crossed!

Paging Doctor K

I've done it twice now.  As with most things, the first time was ridiculously awkward and, really, a semi-epic fail.  But the second time was better, if slow as molasses.  Yes, I've been initiated into the self-injection club, and I'm proud!

It's actually been kind of exciting.  The build to doing an injectable cycle has been sooooo long for me that it feels so right and strong to have forward momentum.  Several years ago, I did a few unsuccessful IUIs and probably would have gone to injectables next had my organization (that I'd been employed with for several years) not closed it's doors and had to let everyone go.  

Then, I moved to the Bay Area, and I think I shared when I first started blogging that I intended to do an injectable cycle two years ago - had actually done the tests, seen the RE, taken the injectable class and been given my protocol - and  then was laid off from my job again.  Aaaargh.  

Jump forward to last year, when S and I tried naturally for several months and were talking about bumping things up to doing an injectable cycle in January.  Well, we all know how that ended.  So, yeah, it's been a long time coming!

I know the odds are that it would take several injectable cycles to be successful and may not be successful at all, but I'm so grateful to be trying.  To be giving ttc this final push (final meaning this year not this cycle).  I may be able to do another injectable cycle or two before the end of the year but would need a couple months after this one to gear up again.  So, I'm praying fervently for success... and am aware of the realities.  That doesn't mean I won't be emotional! ha!  But in the big picture, I'm aware, if that makes sense.

Back to the present... so the first night, I got all my supplies out and my instruction sheet and dove in.  If I thought too much about it, I would have become paralyzed by fear and self-doubt, so I just jumped.  I did my best, but, dang, it was awkward!  I totally felt like I was playing doctor.  A very, very incompetent doctor.  I went through all the steps (you have to liquefy and transfer three vials of meno.pur on a flare protocol before injecting), and when I got to the final vial, drew up the liquid and... had only 60 units!  Hell!  I was supposed to have at least 90!  Well, there was no turning back.  The nurse who gave me my refresher injectable instructions covered this scenario.  Inject anyway!  So that's what I did.  I did manage to salvage 5 units from another vial that had escaped.  Some may have leaked a bit with my lame-ass withdrawal technique or I didn't draw up enough saline solution at the beginning.  But, onward and upward!

Then, last night, I made a bit of a costly error.  When I put the 5 units of lup.ron into the first vial of Meno.pur, I looked at the vial and there was no powder!  I hadn't rolled the vial to mix it at all.  So, I thought I had somehow received an empty vial.  But no, in further reflection, the cap was on, so how could it have escaped!  It really does reconstitute that easily and quickly.  By the time I realized this, however, I had started on a new vial with the lu.pron.  Real doctors, please tell me if I'm wrong, but I cannot use that reconstituted Meno.pur vial in my injections tonight, correct?  I think I read that's a no-no.

Anyway, exciting stuff!  ha!  I have to admit, I felt kind of badass doing all these medical preparations, then sticking a needle in myself and self-injecting.  I hope it continues to get easier.

Oh and I had a godawful headache yesterday and almost felt like I had the flu.  Apparently, Meno.pur can give you these side effects.  But today, I feel pretty good.

My next steps are to call the RE office Friday morning and schedule monitoring appointment for Sunday, then see where we go from there.  Likely into several more days of injections.  Woo hoo!

Side note:  I'm picking up some more lower-cost Meno-pur tonight from two lovely ladies who live not far from me.  I love that there is this whole underground network of med sharing on email lists, Crag.slist, etc.  I know there are risks, but I do some up-front vetting and feel comfortable so far.

School Endings and Cycle Beginnings

I wrote this on Thursday evening but didn't finish the post:

I was reading a blog post while driving in slow, stop-and-go traffic today and gently tapped the car in front of me.  Whoops!  Lesson learned!  No damage to either car, thank goodness.

I'm done with the school year, yay!!!  Finished up our fourth and final school today.  The kids gave presentations based on their career research paper.  Or many of them did anyway.  I was pleased overall with the level of participation.  In only one class did I have to really work to cajole them to get up and speak.  So much so that I was doing cartwheels.  Actual cartwheels.  I convinced two additional people to get up and speak with that reward.  Not sure why it was so exciting.  I guess you don't see a teacher do cartwheels in the classroom everyday. :-)

It's now Saturday.....

...and I'm so loving sitting in the sun on the deck right now.  Feeling very happy.  Just got off a super-fun Sk.ype call with a guy, T, who lives in the U.K.  OMG, he's so cute.  And not just in terms of looks, but his whole personality.  We talked about all kinds of things, from international travel, to spirituality, to what makes up chemistry between people, to living in community, to alternative economies.  It was awesome!  And we both said that we found it unusually easy to talk to one another.  We made arrangement to check in tomorrow and maybe talk before I go to bed, which would be 7 a.m. his time.  He told me about the "Ringing Cedars" book series.  Have any of you read this series?  I want to get a hold of it.

Grateful to be done teaching and also to find out that I will have work through the college counseling office through the summer.  At least enough to get by.  I also applied for two other part-time jobs: SAT (and other) tutoring for Com.pass, which sounds like a good company, and International Student Coordinator with a local, private high school.  I'm not sure how the hours work out for the latter one, as the ad said I would be paid $700 per student but detailed many different stages of working with them and their families.  I hope I land one of these!

Regarding this cycle, I think I'll probably go ahead.  Once again, dating is making me question my choices (what if it works out with him?  what if we want a child together?), but I think I'll still take the leap.  Many "signs" seems to be encouraging me, including all the donated medication I've received, and the support that has recently surfaced from a couple of women I know.  One woman from my dance community actually wants to be a co-parent.  I haven't quite wrapped my head around that, yet, but she also said she would love to be a "special aunt," so that's great.  Another woman who collaborated with me on my recent Transition workshop asked me today whether I had "aunts" lined up, and also if I was interested in intentional community.  She's a super cool lady, and I would love to have her in my and my child's life! 

Finally, I had a fundraising idea to host a "Fun and Games Fertility Night," where I would facilitate theatre games (people could also watch), and we could also play board games, snack, and talk.  I would ask a donation range.  I put the idea out to some of my women friends.  The one response was awesome, and I'm waiting to hear from the others.  I could potentially raise a few hundred to a thousand dollars, which would definitely help. 

After my injection refresher last week, I feel confident and ready to go on that front!  My cycle is due to start in the next couple of days...

My Latin Crush

My Latin Crush came over for dinner last night.  To give some backstory:  we have had this really wonderful chemistry in my theatre class whenever we are partnered.  And when a few of us went to dinner afterwards, I drove him there and sat next to him and, let's just say, there was a lot of energy.  We were always connected, legs touching all through dinner, etc.  It sounds so high school, but it was fun.

In my direct way, I brought up our energy connection to him that night and said, though I knew it maybe wasn't right (due to the Jesuit thing), I couldn't help but ask if he wanted to hang out.  Well, it was kind of funny because he didn't know what that meant.  What is this "hang out"?  ha  But we ended up exchanging emails and trying to make plans...but nothing came of it.  It seemed like he had some ambivalence, understandably.   So I said thanks anyway, and good luck.

Then a couple more classes, and more energy and some talking and again, I asked him if we might get together and talk outside of class.  I swear it just popped out of my mouth, even though I knew it was not the best idea.  It was so hard to be talking, and then get pulled apart by rotating partners.  I wanted more time with him, I couldn't help it.  So he said "Yes," and we actually managed to make plans this time.

And last night was the big night and.... it was so painfully predictable!

I will say it started out wonderfully - talking, showing him our garden, making dinner, drinking some wine and talking some more.  We discussed our prior interactions, and at first he was playing it cool, like he hadn't felt like he wanted more outside of class, but he basically ended up acknowledging that he did want to see me.  I pointed out that I totally gave him an out the night at dinner when I first asked him about "hanging out," and he didn't take it.

Anyway, he also admitted he feels torn sometimes about becoming a Jesuit and questions his long-term commitment, similar to how someone would question whether they wanted to be married to someone.  I shared about my relationship frustrations, in a big picture kind of way - my perfectionism and difficulty in settling down and feeling satisfied - and he actually helped me in thinking about life and relationships as a gift.  He also gave me the perspective that this balance I see between companionship and sexual chemistry can happen in my own life first.

Clearly there are limitations with the sexual chemistry part. lol  But I see in my own life that I'm actually more focused on physical expression through dance and theatre and less on the spiritual/emotional side.  I've been saying for a long time that I would like to find a spiritual community, so perhaps I'll put more energy into that now.

So, deep conversations were being had, and I was enjoying it very much.  After dinner, things shifted pretty quickly into physical connection.  At first, the kind of contact we do in our Inter.play theatre class, but then more sensual and then, what do you know, we're basically making out.   Definitely getting heated. When all of a sudden, he puts on the brakes.  That's the painfully predictable part.  How could I think it would go any other way?  And then, the also predictable feelings of guilt on his part.  Yuck.  And sad and hard to just screech to a stop.

A bit later, I said to him that I wished he could have just taken a step back instead of completely retreating like that.  Anyway, I was kind of mad, more frustrated and disappointed I suppose, but I do understand.  He's struggling with his own commitment to the Jesuit path, but he's still in the commitment.  And yes, he was full steam ahead to that point and then kind of dropped things, but at some level I knew that point would come.

So, no blame.  Disappointment and some sadness, yes.  But I care about him and wish good things for him.  He leaves on the 29th to spend the summer helping and supporting people in prison in Mexico for the summer.  You have to admire that kind of generosity and heart.  I hope he finds clarity and peace with his path, whatever direction it takes.

In one way, this experience was very affirming for me.  He and I had a lot of chemistry and sometimes I question whether I can find people with whom I have this strong of a connection.

I don't have big plans for the weekend.  Going to a Transition Town movie event on Sunday.  Meeting the co-parent from L.A. on Monday, I guess.  I haven't talked to him for a few days, but I assume that's still the plan.  I keep hoping for something to magically drop into place to help me make my decision about this coming cycle, but nothing yet.  I need to decide by next week.  What are your plans?

Pregnant with Possibilities

I'm so tired right now.  Yesterday, career fair.  Today, science and math conference.  Both for middle school young'uns.  Both actually fun, engaging, purposeful.  But also high octane energy!

Then, tomorrow, I'm co-facilitating the Inner Transition workshop I mentioned.  We have 20 participants!  Woo hoo!  But it feels a bit overwhelming at the moment.  I think maybe some meditation, some TV chilling and a fairly early bedtime are in order this evening.  First, however, I need to write out a few notes about what I will say at certain points tomorrow....

Other exciting happenings and potentialities:

• At the conference today, one of the other counselors recommended to our Dean that I be switched to working with the high schools (involving college matriculation process and teaching some career and CTE - Career Tech.nical Education - classes).  I could have kissed her!  So very, very cool that she did this!  The Dean apparently said, "What about N (my boss)?" and the counselor said, "She can submit a posting for the job."  And the Dean said, "Oh, okay," or something relatively positive like that.  

• Anyway, this counselor recommending me is a big deal because she is well-loved there and has a close relationship with the Dean.  Please think good thoughts!  Though I've come to love my little pre-teensters, teaching 40 of them in this set curriculum, with all the behavior management involved, is not playing to my strengths.  I can do it for a while longer but would so like to shift to older youth, who are more ready to be thinking seriously about their lives and careers.

• On the ttc front, my two test results both came back negative, which I guess is a good thing.  They were:  Lup.us Coagulant and Cardio.lipin Antibody (Cardio.lipin AB, serum).  Anybody know much about these tests?  I guess they have to do with immunological and clotting issues.

• I can't believe I might be doing another donor IUI soon.  But that seems to be where my path is leading at the moment.  And, though I don't prefer it, I will go forward with it if possible, at the same time I continue to explore other avenues.  Speaking of which, nothing much happening on the co-parent front.  The L.A. guy is still coming Memorial Day, and there is one decent-seeming guy (graduate degree, attractive, sounds sane) in Sacramento who wants to meet, so we'll see.

• Meanwhile, I have a huge crush on a Latino gentleman in my theatre class who is studying to become a Jesuit priest.  What?  Yep, that's right.  Ridiculous, people, my love life is currently ridiculous.

p.s. I'm about to ovulate and I really wish I could do something about it!

No Regrets

So, I guess my actions sometimes show pretty clearly that I'm a risk taker.  One of the bloggers I read wrote a post recently about how frustrated she felt that a young woman was planning to become an SMC when she was in serious debt.  My debt is not bad (except for my student loan), but I'm not on as strong of financial footing as I would like to be when trying to conceive.

I'm working on that.  Just submitted another resume today and sent my resume to a couple of people I respect for feedback.  As mentioned, I'd like an up-to-half-time job with some benefits to add to my current job; then I would be in an exceptional place financially. Right now, I'm getting by but it's not enough to save much, which I need to do if I'm going to be a mom.  And I want more choices.  Choices mainly, at this point, about ttc, but also other life and personal/professional development choices.

I haven't heard back yet as to how many hours I can expect to be working this summer through my college.  Possibly less than I've been working, which is concerning.  It's ironic because I want to provide "sustainable" career counseling that includes helping people to create multiple revenue streams, so they are not overly dependent on one employer.  I've watched so many people (including myself) get the rug pulled out from under them when they lose a job, and it seems to me that employers can wield far to much power over people when they are their sole source of income.  

But I haven't managed to create that for myself, so how can I counsel others in how to create it?  Perhaps as I succeed in gaining my own footing, it will lay the foundation to help my clients follow the same path.  

Which leads me to my current ttc efforts... I'm thinking about going forward with one injectable cycle next month.  I've been scouring some different sites for leftover donated or discount medication and have procured a decent amount.  

I've been waiting more than two years to move to this step and have experienced major set-backs.  I would wait for a few months and focus on employment - maybe I should do this? - but I'm scared to let go again when I'm on the verge of this next step.  

I promised myself I will try a few last times this year, and I want to honor that promise.  And I do know, I have a deep belief, that I have the resources and the ability to respond to what is needed in the moment.  I will do what it takes to provide a good environment for my child.

Ideally, yes, a partner or co-parent will manifest in rapid fashion.  This is definitely what I would prefer.  But relationships end.  Co-parenting is extremely complicated.  I'm on a short timeline here, people.  

So my way forward is definitely not set in stone.  But there is a voice inside me saying, just do it, just make that leap and trust that what is meant to be will be.  Don't have regrets.  Don't let the opportunity pass you by.  

As they say in 12-step programs, more shall be revealed.

Another Action-Packed Saturday

Yesterday started with a productive meeting about an upcoming Transition training I'm producing on the 19th.  I'm super excited about how it's coming together with several people I admire and respect involved.  Plus we'll be offering several effective and useful tools for Transition groups to support their members with "Inner Transition" (psychological/emotional shift in response to issues like climate change and economic instability) and to basically just liven up (and in some cases deepen) their meetings and events.  A great way to start the day with some very cool people.

But we all know where my mind and heart is most focused at this time, soooo, moving on... I then met with Gary from the East Coast.  It was as I expected as far as a complete lack of attraction or even seeing how I might have been attracted to him 10 years ago.  Nada.  He was also, not unexpectedly, super easy to communicate and get along with, and we had an enjoyable lunch and walk around a cute neighborhood area.  I can see he is a very good person and would make a great father, but I'm still feeling clear that I need that sense of finding someone relatively attractive in order to procreate with them.   He did share he's been having a fun adventure on this trip, seeing lots of friends he hadn't seen in a long time, which makes me feel a bit better about things not working out with us.

After leaving Gary, I had a few hours to chill out and eat something (and spend some time getting ready) before heading out for a third date with the guy, JR, I first met for breakfast a couple weeks ago.  We had an interesting phone call this week that started fairly contentious when he got a little too much into my biznas by analyzing me (it does take one to know one!).  But after a bit, the conversation settled down, and we ended up talking for almost two hours, which is what we did last time we talked, as well.  

And last night's date was a lot better than the one before.  We went to a movie and then had a drink and talked.  Very interesting topics like spirituality and relationship, etc.  It was fun.  I do find that I am a lot more relaxed with someone I don't know well after drinking a glass of wine.  I guess that's probably not unusual.  He's mentioning future things we will do together, so I think he's feeling a desire to keep getting to know one another.  I guess I am too, though still have reservations about the communication stuff.  But knowing I have a lot of fear and trust issues in that area makes me want to keep an open mind.  We shared a nice kiss goodbye at the end...

Today, I'm tired from not sleeping well but got out this morning and went running, then showered and ran some errands.  My book and the backyard are calling my name, then tonight I'm going to watch an old season of Private Prac.tice and maybe a movie.  Since my mother is not local and I'm not a mother yet, I'll spend tomorrow with my dance friends; first dancing, then picnicking at a nearby park.  Some of the regular dancers have kids, so it will be a fun family atmosphere.  

What are you all doing?  If you're trying to conceive, is Mother's Day difficult for you?  The holidays are way harder for me - this one doesn't get me so much for some reason.  Maybe partly because my mom passed away when I was young and I haven't had a very close relationship with my (step) Mom?  So, it's never stood out as a particularly special day.  I hope that changes.

More soon about additional co-parent updates and procuring drugs...

Romance and Reproduction, Part 3

This week has definitely been eventful (with regard to men anyway). 

On Thursday, I had a second date with the guy I liked from last weekend.  Unfortunately, it was a bit of a let-down.  In what is likely not a surprise to most of you: communication is important to me!  Ha! 

Apparently he's been listening to a lot of Buddhist tapes lately (not meditating though!), and has talked with me about his excitement about learning to control his feelings and reactions through changing his thoughts/focus.  This sounds positive on the surface, but translates into seeming sort of distant and unengaged.  And also, when I have feelings, not responding to them in a warm or accepting way.  We're coming from opposite directions, ironically: With a Masters in psychology and lots of personal growth work, I'm all about authenticity and expressing feelings, and he's all about changing them on not giving them much attention!  You can see the problem. 

Plus, there was this awkward moment - I guess a lesson for me - where I thought he was paying for dinner, but he wasn't really in on that plan.  I had said I needed to go somewhere moderate, but he chose a sushi place and proceeded to order tons of food.  So, I assumed (note to self, never assume) that meant he's decided to cover most or all of the bill.  But when it came, he talked about me paying for my part or getting the next dinner or whatever.  Maybe that was reasonable?  I don't know, it just didn't feel good.  But I take responsibility for not speaking up when I saw where things are going and "making an ass out of u and me."  Plus, on top of all that, I can tell he still drinks a lot, which isn't my thing at this point, and has a rambling-on-and-on talking habit. 

So, guess this one isn't likely to go anywhere, after the initial promising chemistry. :(

Moving on to yesterday, the day of two back-to-back Skype conversations with two different potential co-parents.  The first one was with the East Coast guy who was planning on coming out next week.  I've been trying to work out this lack of primal attraction thing, but have finally come to the conclusion that, whether it "should" be true or not, this type of attraction is important for me to have with someone with whom I'm procreating, regardless of whether there's any sexual contact.  I think it's actually very normal, hearing that many other women considered whether they would be attracted or have sex with their donors.  And I felt the same way with the donors I used for my IUIs.

When you think about it, as women, we are genetically combining with these men and taking them (or a genetic piece of them) into our bodies.  There is some intimacy there.  Probably moreso when it's a co-parent or known donor who you will be seeing regularly once the child is born.  But for me, it just feels very primal - like it's just not right and I can't be open to the process if I don't feel some physical attraction for them.  And I just don't have that with this guy. 

I think I started having a problem when I looked at his Facebook pictures.  There were pictures from five or ten years back and quite a few pictures in different scenarios with different people.  Not attracted to any of them.  And in fact, especially not attracted to one where he was showing more of his body.  When I was talking to him on Skype, there was a lot of positive connection on other levels that shadowed that, I think.

Anyway, we talked through it in a very positive and caring way, actually.  I do love his level of consciousness!  He's still coming out to see friends, and we will get together just on Friday afternoon.  He shared that he'd thought we had a spiritual connection and there may be some purpose for us meeting, even if it wasn't co-parenting.  I was definitely focused on the co-parenting, but it does go along with the resonance I felt with him.  I at least would like to meet him as friends, and there's always that slight chance something would shift in me when interacting with him in-person, but this is highly doubtful.  I feel great relief that he will not be staying with me for four days!

The second Skype call was with the guy from L.A., who has a three-year-old son from a previous marriage.  Ironically, the situation is kind of reversed with him.  I do feel an attraction, but communication is not nearly as comfortable or deep.  He tends to share a lot of stories, with more detail than I'd like to know.  Not inappropriate detail, more descriptive and unnecessary detail.  So, I feel somewhat frustrated and bored when he's talking. 

On the good side, he's clearly very caring and responsible, a wonderful and loving father, and is open to honest communication and feedback that I've given.  Some men would be angry or defensive when I say something about wanting more of a personal connection and less details or whatever.  I tend to be very direct at times!  He seems to roll with things and respond honestly and directly, so I like that. 

I think he's a bit overwhelmed and needs some time to process, though, because I was the first woman he connected with on the co-parent site, and he didn't expect things to move forward so quickly.  So, we'll see.  Now, I'm thinking about whether this particular communication issue matters! lol  If it's not one thing, it's another.

In other, completely crazy, news, an English gentleman (attorney? judge?) I also met on the co-parent site has offered to provide me with IVF, including PGD, in Czechoslovakia, assuming I agree to having a son and can pay for transportation there and back.  Looking up prices, though, it's only about $2,000 there for IVF.  Not sure what PGD adds to the cost.  A round-trip ticket out there is also around $2,000.  He would pay for hotel.

Doc Consult

I talked to the doctor yesterday for a phone consultation.  I'm seeing a nurse for the injectable refresher, and to get completely clear on the protocol and cost, on Tuesday morning.

So I don't have all the information yet, but, after talking to the doc, I'm leaning toward waiting until the following cycle.  It would give the DHEA  a chance to build up a bit more and allow time to feel more comfortable with whatever "sp.erm source" I end up choosing.

He did order two tests related to clotting and immunological issues.  Yay!!!  I pushed for this, as I do not want to take the "wait and see" attitude on whether I have issues, when I am investing more physically and financially with injectables.  I may go in later today or on Monday to get these tests done.

He also suggested alternating my current thyroid dose with the one lower, in an every other day pattern.  Has anyone else taking thyroid medicine done this?  I'm a little nervous to switch things up.  He said that the level I'm at now is not a detriment to ttc, but he doesn't need it that low.  I'm currently sleeping about an hour less a night (six to seven versus seven to eight hours), which is the only noticeable impact.

In other news, I went on my second date last night.  It was good in some ways and not so good in others.  I will share more later.  I'm sky.ping with my east coast co-parent in a few minutes, so will have more to report on that, as well.  I'm having mini panic attacks about him coming out, so, yeah.

Cycling Decision

I'm feeling the pressure to decide whether I'm going to cycle with injectables for this coming cycle, starting in six or seven days.  I'm talking to the doctor tomorrow.  The reasons I want to go forward with it now include:

• I feel like I've been building up to it.  I've had my tests, have a general plan, and have been taking the supplements at least the minimum amount of time they recommend.

• I have wanted to go to this next level of injectables for a couple of years now, but have been thwarted by one reason or another.  I feel like I should do at least one cycle now, when I can.  

• I haven't been talking about this, but I may have to switch to a lesser insurance at some point.  I'm not sure when that will be and want to take advantage of the better coverage while I can.

• I'm dating and, with the one guy I went out with last weekend, I see potential.  I know if I get close to him, it will get harder to go forward and continue to try.  This may be the worst reason ever.  But I just want to push forward and get this higher level effort completed.  If I get pregnant, I will be okay with whatever happens on the dating/relationship front.  If I don't get pregnant, at least I know I made a solid try, which may take a little pressure off for a month or two if I want to see where things go.  * This goes back to my previous post.  In an ideal world, as many of you advised, I would not give up my ttc efforts.  I would continue to date and ttc in parallel.  But in reality, I just don't know whether that is possible for very long, except in very special circumstances.  At a certain point, something has to change.  I know this guy wants to have a kid or kids.  Why would he go along with this plan, considering my age and that I want only one biological child? (or, note to Universe, I would welcome twins too).  And I would want him to fulfill his dreams of fatherhood, as well.

• Co-parenting.  I've put quite a bit of time and effort into researching and meeting with potential co-parents over the last month or so  - added on to months of time investigating this altogether over the past two or three years.  Part of me wants to strike while the iron's hot on this front.  This reason may be worse than the previous one!

Okay, so the good news is that, through writing this post, I see how I'm letting fear pressure me and push me forward.  I don't want that.  I want to stay grounded, take things a step at a time.  Okay.  So, the next steps are seeing what the doctor recommends and getting more clear on protocol and expenses for an injectable cycle.  Spend time with the co-parent who is coming into town next week and see if it strengthens my desire to move forward with him.  Right now, honestly, I am distracted by the new guy I went out with last weekend.  We have another date tomorrow night...

And, finally, just stay present to how I'm feeling as things unfold.  Be true to my desire to ttc (with injectables) soon.  And pay attention to what path forward feels most right.  Trust, trust, trust the process.  Easier said than done, but I'm going to try.

Reproduction vs. Romance in Another Context

Yesterday, I accidentally went on two dates.

In this post, I'm going to describe the dates... then consider whether dating is simpatico with pursuing co-parenting.

The first one, a breakfast date, I completely forgot.  He emailed as I was still in my pajamas and thinking about going for a run.  I waffled for a minute, but then hurriedly threw on my running clothes in case I wanted to go afterwards, brushed my teeth, washed my face, put on a touch of mascara, and ran out the door.  Not my prettiest look.  I did warn him.

Anyway, once I arrived at the cool little breakfast place near Lake Merr.itt, we started talking and gradually warmed up into a fairly good rapport.  He has beautiful eyes and a very nice smile.  I was feeling a bit self-conscious but it helped once we warmed up and started laughing a lot.

After breakfast, we walked down to the nearby Farmer's Mar.ket and cruised around talking.  Two highlights: he loves Ore.gon and his father lives there; and he initiated touching our hands together at the end under the pretense of showing me an exercise he did in a workshop.  We agreed to meet again this week.

Oh, and one caveat:  He said in his profile he wants to meet women 28 to 35 (he's my age), I imagine because he also says he wants kids.  I flirted first with a comment on one of his pictures, then he initiated communicating.

The second date I actually had in my calendar.  We met, oddly, at another restaurant near Lake Merr.itt for  their afternoon happy hour out on the deck.  When I saw the guy, my first thought was, "He does NOT look like his pictures!"  I went back and looked at the pictures again afterwards and see the resemblance, but they definitely place him in a super positive light.

So I'm thinking, "No," right off the bat, but we can still have a pleasant drink and chat.

We ended up having two drinks, as it was such a perfect summer-like day to be hanging out in the sun, and he was easy to talk with.  At the end, I found myself considering going on a second date, but, in retrospect, I think it was the wine talking!

Quite an unusually full day...

Later, I found myself imagining how these guys, especially the first guy, would feel if I told them about my co-parenting plans.  They clearly stated in their profile that they want kids.  And if, by God's grace, I become pregnant, I only want one biological child.  *As I write this, I see it's similar to dating when trying to become an SMC in other ways, as well.

Also, considering the idea through their eyes, this clearly complicates the family constellation and would affect our lives as a couple.  It may just be too unusual and complicated for them to understand, let alone accept.

I'm not sure how or when I will communicate with someone I'm dating about my co-parenting plans.  I think I'm in the camp that I will tell them when it organically comes up and feels important to share.  Because I don't want to live life from a place of trying to control all the "what ifs."  Who knows what may or may not happen in any of these scenarios?

I do feel strongly that I want to try a few times this year, as my window is closing (if not already closed).  I want to give one more whole-hearted try, adding injectables to the mix.  It doesn't feel good to think about putting these plans on hold.

How would you handle things if you were me?

Big Step Forward

Thanks to everyone who weighed in on the discussion about the line between romance and reproduction. I definitely related to the experience many of you shared about choosing a donor based on attraction (or whether you could see having sex with him :).  I do think there is something primal about creating a child and joining genetically with someone.

In my real-life co-parent considerations of the moment, it is a bit of concern to me that I don't really feel a strong primal attraction to the East Coast guy, at least not physically.  I'm sure part of it is his age, as he is significantly older than me.

But I think I'm feeling a lot along the lines of what Sunflower wrote in the comments about personality, getting along well, and being pleasant looking - plus there's this very strong resonance or "on the same wavelength" factor that makes it very easy to imagine co-parenting with him successfully.  Financially, he is in the middle of a career transition and not as strong in that area as I would like.  But he has an impressive (to me anyway) career history and is actively moving toward future opportunities.  Also, he is married and has a wonderful "homestead" living situation including land, growing his own food, chickens, etc.

All this to say, I'm moving forward to the next step with him!  He is flying out here in a couple of weeks to spend a few days, mainly with me but also with friends he knows in the area.  I'm nervous!  I'm still not sure about the wisdom of choosing an older co-parent.  I wonder if this will affect my abilities to conceive.  I know it increases the risk of autism, which is worrisome, as well.

But, as you probably know if you've been reading for a while, I have a strong spiritual side, and this situation just keeps flowing forward.  It "feels" the most right at this point and seems to have a life of it's own, if that makes any sense.  I'm not having to work to move it forward.

Sooo, we were clear this trip is about getting to know each other better and in-depth, discussions about co-parenting details and issues.  It does not indicate a decision to move forward; that decision is still up in the air.  But it still feels like a big decision!

Where is the line between romance and reproduction?

As I've continued to meet and talk with potential co-parents, I am noticing a feeling of resonance and chemistry more so with some than others.  And I'm starting to wonder if I'm giving that feeling too much weight.  Does it really matter when it comes to trying to conceive and parent together in a non-romantic scenario?

For example, with the East Coast guy, I feel a lot of positive connection and comfort when talking to him.  We are totally on the same wavelength in the way we communicate, the language we use, the way we "tune in" to what the other is saying, etc.  I do not feel physically attracted in terms of wanting to have sex with him, but I definitely feel a lot of chemistry and find him somewhat attractive.

With the therapist who lives in San Fran.cisco, I feel less resonance, but definitely a sense that we are on the same wavelength, have similar values, and speak the same language.  Physically, I am the least attracted to him.  He is very short and fairly slight of build, not unattractive, but not really my type looks-wise.

The guy in L.A., who I Skyp.ed with for the first time this morning, has the most primal attractiveness for me.  He's not "hot" or anything but quite easy on the eyes, boyish looking, dark brown hair and green eyes.  Out of all the candidates, I could most easily imagine having sex with him.  But the conversation was more challenging.  I like him and think he would be flexible and fairly easy to work with and co-parent with in most ways, but he's not as "tuned in" or empathetic in his communication and tended to talk for long periods of time, didn't ask me many questions, etc.  Yet, our conversation had depth and reflection in it.  He's clearly thought a lot about being a parent and cares deeply about his son and other people in his life.

Of course there are other important deciding factors, such as financial stability - for ttc and child rearing purposes I'd like them to be more financially solid than me, which may or may not be fair but is true.  And  their community and family situation plays a role in what kind of life our child would have while with them.  There are many facets to the decision.  But right now, my mind is focused on this issue of primal chemistry.

There are a couple more specific points that come to mind around this topic:  one, this primal attraction may somehow play an evolutionary role in whether I will become pregnant; two, I'm joining with this person genetically and want to feel we are a good match.

So where is the line between a dating candidate and a co-parent candidate?  In this one area, are the screening processes similar and should they be?

Trip Wrap-Up plus Co-Parent Update

The rest of my Oregon trip went pretty well.  I took some of your advice and told my mom what I wanted to tell her about my job, without waiting to be asked.  She started to become negative and ask questions through the lens of judgment that it's not a full-time position, but I steered the conversation back to the positive point I was trying to make about how I'm beginning to get hours on the college side or things, in addition to the middle school program.

I also got to spend time with my niece and nephew on Monday and Tuesday because she watches them individually on those days.  I made playdough characters and banana bread with niece J and played dollhouse and kicked a ball around with nephew E.  they are so dang cute!  Then, I took off for home Tuesday about noon.  It was good to get back but also a bit of a transition from spending a lot of time with family to being in my own space again.  

I had a discussion with my housemate about how I feel like he rarely initiates conversations.  It came out that he's got resentment about some money I've been slowly paying him back.  I'd like to make a big payment and pay it down.  I'm tempted to take the money I owe S and give it to my housemate (He loaned me some money last month because we weren't reminded as usual and I missed my timecard cutoff and thus received no paycheck).  

Would that be morally reprehensible?  I clearly still have anger towards him for blindsiding me again after we had spent a couple days together at the hotel during my conference.  He ended things again just a few days after that.  Total BS.  I don't care what he thinks about me, and part of me would really like to stick it to him in this way.  But spiritually and morally, perhaps not a good choice, and I'm afraid I might regret it later. 

On a happier subject, I met with another co-par.ent today for lunch.  Candidate #2 in my original co-parent post.  He is definitely short.  But has a nice voice (I don't know why that matters!) and is clearly a highly intelligent and caring person.  We had a good conversation and it was easy to talk with him.  I felt a sense of trust.  Not quite as much resonance as with the East Coast guy, but we're definitely on a similar wave length.  Our co-parent views so far are simpatico, except he had an idea that we would take several months to get to know each other.  

Um, no, that would not work for me.  I'm clear on that front.  I told him as much, and he said that wasn't what he imagined but it wasn't a deal breaker.  I suggested we could take a more intensive route to getting to know each other by talking two or three times a week and getting together once a week (we're both available Saturdays).  So, we'll see how that goes. 

Then, I'm also Sky.ping with a fourth candidate down in L.A. tonight around 9 p.m.  He is divorced and has a three-year-old son.  They both are cute.  He wants to have another child but doesn't want the pressure of rushing to find a "soulmate" to marry.  But even though he lives in the same state, it IS the longest state in the Union!  I believe I would need to move down there if I became pregnant.  

I find I'm more willing than I would have anticipated to move to where a co-parent lives.  My roots here are not deep, though I've made some nice friends and community connections through groups.  I guess it shows where my priorities lie.  I wouldn't move, though, until I was well into the pregnancy.  Why aren't there more good candidates here in the Bay Area?

Speaking of which, I'm Sky.ping again with the East Coast guy tomorrow.  Unfortunately, I have a feeling it might be our last conversation.  Resonance can only go so far in the face of impracticalities.  And to wrap up another loose end:  I never heard from or contacted Candidate #1, the Chinese professor.   I think it was clear to both of us that we did not click.  

Sooo, the process continues!  I'll let you know how my Sky.ping goes...

p.s. Some of you asked what are rat cupcakes.  Well, you have to get in my four-year-old nieces head to really understand that one!  Basically you catch rats and put them in the cupcakes, which we did lots of rolling out and pounding with our elbows and mixing and adding stuff to, etc., before sticking them in the oven to bake. :)  Don't think too literally and it works better...

Trip Check-In

I'm sitting in my brother's house in Oregon.  Today, we're all (except my parents) going to the coast.  A couple things are standing out for me again with my family culture:

• There is a lot of drinking, especially among certain people (my brother-in-law and brother-and Dad but he wasn't at the barbeque last night).  This happens even when it's not a "party" just a family gathering, which says people are looking for a reason to tip a few back.  Of course this affects the quality of interaction and feeling of the gathering.

• The depth of conversation is not what I would enjoy.  My sister - even though we had a short conversation not long ago about this - didn't ask me anything about things that matter to me, such as dance, theatre, community work, friends, etc.  Nobody asks about these things.  They'll ask about dating and men sometimes.  My brother and I talk about work and family, and he knows about my efforts to become a mother, but with my sister and parents I feel invisible a lot of the time.  Or I'm valued for being an Aunt and a creative person, but not for what I'm doing in my life back in the Bay Area.  Even if they can't relate, I think they could ask.  I ask them about business developments, Junior League, and other things I can't really relate to.

Anyway, it bugs me that I care about this still after all this time.  I think when I don't have time to myself to get grounded, then I feel more affected by this stuff.  Writing it out is helpful.

But I am loving the time with my niece and nephew (4 and 2  years old).  They are so incredibly imaginative and playful.  Yesterday/last night we played with bubbles, made rat cupcakes, sang songs, played hide and go seek, etc.  I was tired at the end of the night but it was so fun.

Oregon and Family Complications

Thank you for your condolences about my purse. I'm actually sitting in the DMV right now waiting to replace my license.

 My trip to Eugene is shaping up to be a good one. Tomorrow night I'm meeting my brother and sister out at a worker party to celebrate completed construction on a new mixed-use (commercial/residential) building downtown. I don't know if I've mentioned that my family is in the property management and development business, so there's usually some "under construction" project or other that is visited and talked about and generally woven into everyone's consciousness.

Anyway, then Saturday my brother, sister, niece and nephew are heading over to the other side of town to attend the 4-year birthday party of my cousin's daughter at a pizza parlor.  I appreciate how my brother and sister have been making the effort with this side of the family, who are technically "my" relations through my birth mother, recently attending my grandma's funeral with me, etc.

It's a bit strange because their biological mom is married to my dad and all her relations are technically "their" relations, but because we grew up together and I called their bio mom "mom," everyone acts as if we're all related for the most part.  So, in a way, it's not fair to them that I get three sets of relations and they've for the most part had two.  But, on the other hand, my "mom" (their bio mom) and I never had a close relationship so my bio mom's family has compensated with that for me.  Anyone else have this level of family complication?  Probably so.

So, all that said, we're doing the bday party Saturday, going to the coast Sunday, I'm' hanging out with my mom and niece on Monday, and trying to get a few workouts in at the athletic club too.  It's a full few days!

I'm staying with my brother and wife the first two nights, then parents the second two.  I'm a little nervous about staying at the parents because I haven't stayed there in a  year and a half, since the incident with my father that was one of the catalysts for starting this blog (he said my life had no meaning, blamed me for getting let go from my job, and was just generally disparaging, leading to a period of depression and subsequent reclaiming of "my life").  He did apologize but I've stayed with my brother since then.  So we'll see how it goes.  Maybe a test for my inner boundaries.

I need to get out the door, so I'll write more on the co-parent later but wanted to report that I'm in the "realism" phase now with the logistics and barriers to the situation.  It would be incredibly difficult with trying to conceive and involvement with the child with him so far away, and to compound the matter, he told me that he hasn't gotten much work in the last year.  He's in transition working to build a career as an inter-faith minister, as well, which I respect, but it makes the situation less doable.   Very sad about this.  I'll share more later.

Off for the big drive!  The rain let up so that's good - thunder and lightning last night was insane!

Twice? Really??

I'm in shock.  My purse/bag was just stolen for the second time in two weeks.  I'm so angry.

The first time was my fault, because I dropped it in the grocery store parking lot.  It had my ID, bank card and some other random stuff, plus $150, which kind of sucked.

Tonight, I guess I was also an idiot in leaving my over the shoulder book type bag in the front seat when I went in to my theatre class.  I almost brought it in with me and of course I'm kicking myself now.  No cash this time, but my expired license, social security card, and new bank card were in there.  I guess they must have picked the lock because no windows were broken.

Now I have to jump through a bunch of hoops before my road trip to Oregon this weekend.  I don't think I'd mentioned that yet here... I'm going to visit family for a few days.  I missed my niece and nephew and wanted to get away for a while too.

Anyway, I guess things could be worse.  What does this mean, though?  What's the universe trying to tell me?

Candidate #3

So I just got done Skyping with "Candidate #3" on my initial list a couple posts ago.  The one who is 60 and lives in Vermont.

OMG, I love this guy for a co-parent.  He kicks "Candidate #1"s ass, at least with regard to what I would want.

We have so much similarity and resonance, it's coming out our ears. And I completely respect what he does for a living - he f'ing does contracted peace training and mediation internationally in Africa, Vietnam, etc.  He was recently ordained as an Interfaith Minister.  He "homesteads," which I'm imagining means they grow their own food and raise some livestock (and they have a tenant).  He's open-minded, flexible, calm, highly intelligent.  I think I could even get past his age... but why does he live in f'ing Vermont!

More details later...

Candidate #1

First co-parent meeting went down last night.  This was "Candidate #1," the Chinese, gay college professor/researcher.  He was attractive, smart, and kind.  But.  I didn't enjoy aspects of communicating with him, and, considering we would be communicating a lot and he will be communicating with the child as well, I wonder if that is a negative.

Basically, he doesn't respond when I'm speaking in terms of any of the non-verbals or warmth/affirmation.  And, in general, he didn't verbally acknowledge what I said either, other than to comment on his own experience.  I often felt "on the spot" and kind of insecure, like I was trying to keep his attention and work hard to get through to him.  He says he's lived in the U.S. for half his life (he's 44), yet he still had a strong accent and didn't get some of the nuanced references I made, so maybe that's part of the issue?  He did ask me a number of questions, which showed interest.

On the more positive side, he doesn't seem to be a control freak or possessive and had no problem with the child spending more time with me in their early years, unlike the co-parent I talked to a year and a half or so ago.  He's in excellent health and is interested in theatre, opera, art, literature, and tennis/swimming (he teaches/researches literature).  We left the meeting saying we would email and talk again soon.

I'm speaking to the older guy from the East coast later this afternoon and will post another update after that.

Quick question for those of you who have taken DHEA:  I've only taken it for three days and my breasts seemed to get some internal soreness right away and my bbt went up several tenths - did this happen to you?  I remember my temps went up in the luteal phase when I was on it before, but this seems really fast.

Moving forward?

I went to the Kai.ser RE doc yesterday.  It started out in frustration, as he gave me the "your old and your chances are low" speech.  :-(  Yeah, after several years of trying, and researching, and reading other people's journeys, I'm well aware of that doc. 

He did the antral follicle account and it hadn't changed in almost two years, so I guess that's positive.  The number wasn't great though: about 9 follicles. 

I expected him to strongly recommend IVF, but he didn't.  He did say it had the highest chances, but that the chances were so low for me at this point that I may not want to make that level of financial investment.  I think it was around 15-20%.  I'm counting myself in the 40-42-year-old range because my tests are generally good, I've lived a healthy lifestyle, and I'm still in the first half of my 43rd year.  He said he didn't think I would qualify for shared-risk programs. 

In any case, I can't move forward financially with IVF on my own.  So in discussion, he thought the best option for me would be a flare protocol medicated IUI.  I found this information online:

"GnRH agonists (lupron®) have been the standard for ovarian stimulation in IVF for the past 10 years. However, traditional "long" protocols where the agonist is administered for 10 days or longer, followed by gonadotropin stimulation, may be a poor choice for the poor responder. This initial pretreatment with agonist may remove endogenous gonadotropins from the system and "suppress" the response of the ovary so that adequate stimulation is impossible. Problems with this long protocol led to the so-called flare protocol whereby the agonist is started on the menstrual cycle concurrent with the use of gonadotropins. Unfortunately, standard doses of agonist result in elevated levels of androgens, LH, and progesterone, in the follicular phase, before ovulation. These effects are detrimental to oocyte quality and endometrial receptivity. A modification of the flare protocol by pretreating patients with birth control pills and lowering the doses of agonist to "microdoses" has eliminated the negative effects of the flare and resulted in a better recruitment of oocytes and indeed significant improvements in pregnancy rates." 

The Resolve link for this article written by a well-known doctor in Colorado, School.craft, is here:
http://www.resolve.org/diagnosis-management/infertility-diagnosis/poor-responder.html

This is talking about IVF, but I guess it's similar for medicated IUIs?  I want to bring up the modification part to my doctor but am hoping he's aware.

So assuming that where we're headed, he wants me to take these next steps:

1. Start taking DHEA again, dose of 25, three times a day.
2. Get my thyroid tested again on my new dose in about a week (giving it a month to alter levels). *He feels my levels were really wacked out (5.7 or something) when I was tested in December, which was not the message I got from my doctor at the time.  I remember feeling really lethargic in the fall and this explains a lot.  My levels were better when taken a few weeks ago (3.8) but still significantly higher than they want.
3. Figure out the sperm source.
4. Take another one-time injectables class.

I am taking these additional steps:

1. Returning to heightened fertility diet consciousness.
2. Taking baby aspirin.
3. Taking Vitex.
4. Going back to taking a prenatal vitamin.
5. Maybe taking iron. *I tend to be low on iron and I understand this is important to fertility.  Anyone know about this link or have a good source of information?

Ahem.  Going back a bit to number three in the doctor's list of steps....  Yeah, that tricky sperm source thing.  Perhaps I sound emotionally disconnected around this right now.  Maybe I am.  But I feel strongly that I want to make one more big push for a biological child.  At least as big as I can manage all things considered. 

Using S as the source would be the easiest, since he is listed as my partner.  I was partially honest with the doctor by telling him that we have been fighting and things are uncertain.  S may consider giving a last "donation."  But this would not be emotionally healthy for me at this time, and I don't want to parent with someone I don't trust. 

Next option is donor sperm.  Less chances of success, more expensive, but, still, I'm grateful to have that choice.  The doctor is on board with that too. 

The third choice is a co-par.ent.  I don't know if I've talked much about my adventures in that realm on this blog.  A year and a half or so ago, I explored co-parent.ing with a couple of people from the co-paren.ting website.  I really like the idea of parenting with someone else and sharing the responsibilities on all levels: emotional, financial, logistical, etc.  It's a more doable option for me, all things considered.  So there are three people I've connected with this week:

1. A 42-year-old man, I think Chinese, who works for a well-known local university, has his  PhD, and seems like a nice, balanced person.  He is gay and after a 12-year partnership broke up, he decided having a child was his highest priority.  I'm meeting with him on Friday.
2. A psychotherapist (around 50 I think), partnered but his partner (female) does not want a child but looking forward to being an aunt.  He's quite short at 5'4' but I don't think I care about that.  He seems very intelligent and thoughtful but perhaps somewhat controlling - like he wants things to be exactly even.  One of my previous co-par.ent candidates was like that and it didn't work for me at all.  We are in the process of setting up a meeting.
3. A 60-year-old on the East Coast; has a female partner, lives in intentional community.  I know, he's probably too old (sperm health, parenting longevity) but we share values/worldview and I could totally see it working.  Except he lives on the East Coast... This really doesn't make sense, does it?

The tricky thing with a co-par.ent is that I would need to convince the doctor that they are my partner if we do IUI.  Otherwise, we could possibly do a home insem.ination but I've never done that and am scared of the logistics etc.

So if I can move forward cycle after this coming one, likely starting the second week of May, then that is what I plan to do.  There are factors yet to be determined, but I'll keep moving forward if at all possible.

* Brief request for donations:  I have some donated medicine, but if anyone has extra gonado.tropin (folli.stim) or ago.nist (lu.pron) medication, I would really appreciate it. 

One too many times.

I'm doing remarkably well, all things considered.  I think it's because a line has been crossed in my deepest core.  One can't necessarily predict where that line will be, but they know when it's been breached.

I can't say that I didn't try, because I most definitely did.  And I gave him the benefit of the doubt many times over (my sworn statement not to try again with him until he had worked on himself taunts me now).

I will say that after he said the words about breaking up again, I did have thoughts of killing him.  I was in shock.  I was enraged.  I got some answers out of him that I may talk about at some point.

But today, instead of despair or longing, I guess I would say I feel a real clarity that I do not want to be with him.  He shot so many holes in my trust that it couldn't hold water now if I wanted it to.  And honestly, I just don't respect him at this point.  He's deceived me, jerked me around, made agreements he didn't keep.  One too many times.

I'm still going to my doctor's appointment this week.  I'm not sure what I'll do with the information, but I want to find out what I can.

Update and a Tale of Two Conferences

Oops, I let a week go by without posting.  I think at some level I didn't want to follow-up on that last overly-enthusiastic post.  Needless to say, there is no good news.  Oddly, my progesterone test, which had already been scheduled for that next Monday, came out negligible.  Which likely means I hadn't even ovulated, let alone been pregnant.

Why did I start my cycle so early then, and why was it so different than usual?  Who knows?  I'm sad and frustrated that both I and S were put through that whole thing.  Such are the benefits of ttc at this point, I guess.  Looking forward to my doc appointment on the 2nd.

My work conference this week was great, and at dinner a couple of nights ago the Director of my department indicated she would try and find me hours at the college next year through the Perk.ins grant.  Very exciting!  S got to stay with me at the hotel in South SF, which was really nice.  We discovered the joy of room service - chocolate lava cake, yummmm.

And last night, I started the weekend Economics of Happ.iness Conference in Berkeley.  Lots of amazing speakers, including Jo.anna Macy and Charles Eisen.stein.  I'm volunteering and doing some tabling for Transition Towns, as well.

All in all, after a crappy start, it's turning out to be an enriching week.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Eeeeek!!!  I'm freaking out a bit so please excuse this random post about signs and symptoms.

So I felt some pulsing sensations in my lower right abdomen on Thursday - oddly right in the middle of my work team meeting at the college.

Last night I felt ravenous and literally devoured a can of smoked oysters.  It's not odd for me to eat oysters, but the way I devoured them was strange.

I've had really wild, intense dreams the past few night with archetypal images like dogs, horses, food (lots of food - dessert and chocolate), and family members.  Last night had lots of little kids, including my sister and her daughter J, although they were siblings in the dream.  I was responsible for the kids and keeping track of them but they were running all over or something.

Then, today, something tangible:  I have pink spotting!  Which I've had before, as you might recall, but it was always later in the cycle.  And it only happened two or three times, on cycles where I had been trying and likely implantation did start to happen.

Finally, the last crazy obsessive point I'll make here today:  the online psychic I emailed with a few months ago said she saw a girl born in "December of 2012."  Actually, she said I would either conceive in December of 2011, which clearly was a bust, or have the baby in December of 2012.

Thanks for listening to my wacky thoughts!  Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!

Giving it the Last-Minute Try

I'm so excited that some blog friends trying to conceive have been getting BFPs.  A big twin-size Congratulations to Jen!  And sending lots of good thoughts to Mo as she goes for her first ultrasound tomorrow.

I'm not sure I want to talk about it much yet because the dust is settling and more talking will be done this weekend (it's not going to be back to where we were before).  But regardless of the outcome, S and I jumped on the crazy train and gave it another try this month.  Soooo, yeah.

The timing was right, cycle days 13/14, with reference to when I usually ovulate, though I was not tracking with temps or ovu predictors.  And for the first time with us trying, I had noticeable "eggwhite" cm, so that seemed a good sign.

One odd physical symptom I've had for over month now is really sore breasts.  Which could either indicate I'm in peri-menopause, be a reaction to going off prenatal supplements, or be a hormonal reaction to eating more fat in my diet or something.  Anyone else had this happen out of the blue?

On top of that, I've experienced a couple significant breast pangs in the last day and also had twinges in what felt like the right place.  But at just a few days post ovulation, I think it's early and likely means nada.

This may not make sense, but, regardless, I'm happy with this opportunity to try - even taking into account the obsessive aspect of the two-week-wait!

SOCAP SOUL and Love

I attended the most amazing conference last weekend at the San Francisco Hub: SOCAP SOUL.

Here's the website description for those interested:

What if your job, your finances, and your  community  were all aligned with what you  value? SOCAP has created a special event, SOCAP: Soul, to help answer  that question.

Social entrepreneurs and investors, faith leaders and activists, cultural creatives, and thought  leaders are all seeking to align what they care about with their jobs, and with the way they spend and invest their money.

We’re coming together as a movement of people who see the intersection of money and meaning as imperative not only to business – but also for our families and neighbors, for ourselves and people around the world.

Be inspired by speakers who have made these decisions. Explore models and find others along the same path. Find a better way forward for this world and yourself.

The two words that keep emerging for me around it are "affirming" and "inspiring."  They had several panels of amazing people and a breakout discussion group of people in various points of transition toward creating more meaningful work for themselves.  I still need to type up my notes and plan next action steps, so more reflections to follow in later posts.  But WOW!

I feel such a mixture of feelings in my life right now, but on a Spiritual level, I am receiving a lot of positive information from various sources around the potential of creating new, more localized / meaningful / sustainable forms of economy and work.  I wish I were further along in the journey, but I guess that's typical!

Brief check-in on the man front.... S and I are talking (I know, collective groan), ha!  But we are not committed or "back together."

He said he was very mad at himself (along with me) about going to the unilateral decision place.  He expressed feeling overwhelmed and scared about me breaking up suddenly again and about whether he can do the work he needs to do on himself while in relationship.

We are working on staying a lot more connected when talking about difficult things by holding each other and breathing in a meditative way at the beginning of our meetings.  It may sound strange, but it has been a surprisingly helpful technique so far.

Perhaps oddly, I went on a date with a guy from Mat.ch on Monday night.  He seemed to like me and kissed me at the end of the night.  On my side, it was an interesting, pleasant time, but the kiss was too much.  It made me realize I'm not emotionally available to date other people right now, even if it makes part of me feel more protected and safe/less vulnerable.

S is away for the week at an NVC workshop at Esalen; a beautiful, blissed-out, hippie retreat center on the California Central Coast.  I have my appointment with a therapist next week, which I'm looking forward to...so perhaps this is a time of trying to work on ourselves and do some talking in a "no idea what the hell we are or what comes next" kind of place.  Yikes.

Dark and Random Thoughts

Random, thoughts for a rainy Wednesday (on the dark side so feel free to skip)...

• On efforts toward ttc.  As I've mentioned, it was such a nice change to be trying with a partner for the last half of last year.  We were planning on pulling out bigger guns after December.  I now wonder if S had cold feet around that idea which influenced his behavior to some degree.  I don't want to believe that, but when I look back at certain red flags, I do wonder.   For instance, when we both got onto his health care plan in November, I was most excited about the resources this opened up around ttc.  His reaction was decidedly deflating at that point, though we had discussed this benefit in the past.  

• So I'm still on the health plan.  I suppose since we seem to be broken up for the long hall, I should exit the plan and go back onto the minimalist plan I was on before.  It's so hard to accept that I may be out of time to try with my own eggs.  At 43, I feel like this is the last year I could reasonably try with injectables or IVF.  But I don't have the resources for either of those choices on my own.  It's depressing and brings up a lot of despair in me right now. 

• I feel like I'm drifting through life.  I honestly wonder if I have the fortitude and strength of character to build a full life on my own.  Has anyone else felt this way?  With S, I could see so many possibilities in terms of manifesting my dreams:  living in community, creating my own home and family, collaborating on Transition/sustainability projects together.  The idea of doing these things alone feels daunting and unattainable.  

• Finances come into play, I think, but just as important is having the stamina and energy.  I generate a lot of energy from interacting with someone else: brainstorming, acting as each others' sounding board, helping to making decisions, staying accountable, garnering more courage to stretch and try new things, motivating to engage with new projects and people.  I'm not an extrovert "go getter" by nature.  On my own, I tend to hibernate and withdraw.  I try to work against this tendency in myself, but I haven't been incredibly successful.  

• For example, my dancing, which is integral to my joy and sense of self, has been stuck in a rut for a while now.  I know that it would be "good for me" to expand my dance venues beyond my small, safe Sunday morning dance, but I fear the unknown.  This week, I put out feelers to local dance friends asking about attending the larger, weekly Dance Journey dance with me this Friday.  If no one else steps up, my intention is to go anyway.  I wish I had someone to hold me accountable and kick my butt if need be!

• I also know that I downplay and underestimate myself.  I actually have a lot of accomplishments under my belt.  But my most meaningful life goals seem elusive.  Maybe I'm just situationally depressed.

p.s. I have been continuing to talk collaboration with the administrator of that local economy/jobs website called PermaculturExchange.  Our project focus has been morphing it's focus, but I hope to begin some outreach to potential organizations/employers with project work needs in the near future.

p.p.s.  In rereading this post, it struck me that being with a partner, and being with S, doesn't necessarily make me a stronger person, but it makes me feel safer.  I feel like I'm not all alone in the world, struggling like a fish upstream.  Perhaps it numbs or cushions my raw, existential angst.  It also cushions me financially - that is the hard truth.  I think in an "ideal" relationship, two people would make one another stronger, bring out the best, and support one another's goals... but S and I did not reach that ideal.  He definitely allowed me to pursue ttc and also brightened my life with companionship and entertainment, but with regard to career and home/community, I don't think we consistently or effectively supported one another.  From my perspective, he held back a lot of himself from me.  And I could definitely put the blinders on...

It's Over... Again

Well, the Snake struck again.

I thought we were in an exploratory time together.  But he did his classic blindside routine, making a unilateral decision based on his own fears and insecurities. Instead of talking to me about these fears and insecurities. he informed me that he wasn't feeling the romantic side of things enough to continue moving forward.

I'm enraged and disgusted.  I trusted him and opened up to possibilities, though I had my own doubts.  I thought we were in it together.  There were so many ideas we discussed that will now never see the light of day.  I don't feel we gave it a good chance.

But believe me when I say I will not be lingering and suffering and analyzing over many months again.  He's not worth the time and energy.  I will be continuing on in my own growth growth and self-awareness process.  And hopefully I will meet someone who has the courage and the ability to meet me fully and honestly in an intimate relationship.  Until then, I will continue my own soul's work.

My doubts around chemistry definitely came up again this week, so from that perspective, I feel hope that I will find someone with whom I feel more spark.  And maybe, at some point soon, I will be in a position to pursue the family I've imagined for myself.

Today is a dark day, but I know tomorrow will be better.

Time Off and More Talking

This week has been one of three weeks off from my teaching job.  It just worked out that way because of a school break and a delay in signing on the next school.  Here's praying that the next school signs on the dotted line!  This situation classically illustrates the unreliable aspects of working for a grant program.  Luckily, I've been working double hours lately, which leaves me with a bit of savings.

I told myself (and S) that I was going to search for another part-time job for several hours every day this week.  I did spend time writing and reflecting on my goal of working as a Transition/Green Career Counselor.  And it looks like I can make some money working for the Perm.acultureXchange website, researching and conducting partner outreach..... but I haven't been disciplined enough and am feeling frustrated with myself.  Tomorrow is a new day and I WILL spend a good chunk of time to that end.

S and I spent all Sunday together.  The idea was that we would do our Sunday "routine," but, yeah, that didn't happen so much.  I came over and was flooded with emotion remembering the conflicts we had over there before we broke up and also that his ex had been living there all of December.

So, instead of Spiritual practice, we ended up talking a lot more about all that.  Then we did head down to the Farmer's Market and to dance/workout.  Followed by lunch and more talking.

Major insight:  when we've felt stuck trying to talk through conflict, he is totally committed to making me understand why my actions/strategy are not working, and I am totally committed to trying to reconnect through compassion for one another.  Mental versus emotional.  Head versus Heart.  Does not compute.  This is a breakthrough because we got stuck there a lot at the end!

Tonight we're going to dinner/movie.  And probably more talking!  Ha!

SSSaturday Night

Spending an exciting Saturday night cooking and watching a pre-recorded show about Whitney Houston's life.  Her voice was spine-tinglingly amazing and listening to "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" takes me right back to high school.  Just starting to get into the Bobby Brown part of her life.  I was sad to hear of her passing and would like to hear any new details that may help me understand more about her.

Last night, S and I had drinks at my house and then went out to dinner.  More talks.  More processing.  And an awareness that things feel different.  This may sound cheesy, but they feel more honest and real.  It seems like we are both willing to be more vulnerable.  

He's starting to get an inkling of how this situation affected me emotionally.  I'm better understanding his complete cluelessness.  lol  It's hard, but I have come to believe he did not "force my hand" in breaking up with him; that he truly did not think this situation would cause our relationship to implode.  

We've come to realize that we were both in some denial at the end of last year - hoping things would get better or "go back to normal" but growing farther apart.  I think the jealousy was largely connected to insecurities we both felt about our relationship.  There were ways I maintained distance from him in my heart.  He did the same.  I have some hope at this point that we both may be willing to do work that could open new possibilities.  But I'm not going there quite yet.  

I will say that tomorrow morning we are going to get together for our Sunday morning routine, which was something I always loved:  meditation and spiritual reading, a trip to the Farmer's Market, and carpooling up to my dance and his workout class.  I'm looking forward to it.  But even as I write this, I am realizing that I don't want to have expectations for things to unfold in some idealized way.  That was part of how I contributed to problems.  If difficult feelings come up in him or in me, I want to be present to them and not take the perspective that they are ruining things, if that makes sense.  

Okay, enough analysis, back to Whitney.  Hope you are all enjoying your weekend!

Report on "The Talk"

Talk with S went very well.  I was able to express the deep hurt and also the anger, and he heard it and felt things I wanted him to feel like guilt and compassion.  I understand more of his side of the fence--the main new information being that he was thrown both when I broke up with him and later when I said I didn't want to be friends.  He expected a reaction but not to that level.  He thought we would still go to Oregon.  Also, he thought I would come around to thinking about his history with the ex and bring that more into my considerations.  I reiterated how it felt like he emotionally broke up with me prior to me formally taking that action.

There were things he said that I want to know more about, like how he sees he has a pattern of "setting a trap," referring to the situation with me and his ex.  I want to know more about his feelings when he said that yes, he was going ahead with his plans despite how I felt and how I said I couldn't handle it.  I know some of the thought process, but I want to know the feelings.  Part of me still feels pain thinking of that moment and that decision on his part.  He said he felt dizzy and sick to his stomach when he got the email about me not wanting to be friends, and I admit that felt soothing to hear.  We acknowledged the sadness that we didn't get more help from resources in our community and the many connections we have.

We are going to talk again soon.  At the end of our talk, we held each other and ended up kissing.  I won't lie; it felt really good.  More warmth and tenderness mixed in with the passion part.  Who knows what that means.  I'm just trying to stay focused on myself as we talk through things that have needed talking for a long time.

A Busier than Usual Weekend

Actually getting together tomorrow in-person with S to talk about our relationship and it's demise.  I still struggle with wrapping my head and heart around his decision about the ex at the end, and how he could have held the idea of her coming out and staying with him in his head our entire relationship.  So hopefully I'll find a bit more peace with that whole thing.

The dark side in me that I want to forget, which I've shared a lot about in previous posts, revolves around my doubts around our chemistry and my judgments of him, as well as my tendency to want to force things to be what I wanted them to be at times.  I honestly think our two sides are connected.  It doesn't make it okay, but it helps explain the disconnect that might open the door for him to consider such things.

The confusing thing about relationships is that everything - all the issues and feelings - are wrapped around each other and interconnected like jungle vines.  Trying to dissect and unravel "my part" and "your part" can be an exercise in higher emotional math.  But, yes, I enjoy higher emotional math more than most!

Shout out to all you who've been enduring the sick lately.  I've been under the weather since a week ago last Tuesday with this cold/cough crud that's been going around.  I'm grateful there wasn't any severe congestion, knock on wood (this thing has had so many phases, I wouldn't be surprised if another one rolled around), but the coughing has been a real joy.  Not so much.

I'm kind of warped in my sense of humor sometimes and would tease certain more rowdy kids with threats I was going to cough on them.  hehe  Maybe that's really inappropriate; I'll probably get a call from a parent.  In my defense, I never actually DID it.  :-)

Brief side note:  I confirmed that there will be no hours for me for at least two or two-and-a-half months this summer = increase the urgency in search for added income sources!  I also talked to the Dean of our department, and she said there are no additional grant hours available.  And even if there were, I could only work a total of 16 hours a week per a specific District rule.  Disappointing.  She also said supportive things about my value to the team and gave me some positive guidance, so that felt good.

Looking forward to my Heart and Soul community meeting tonight and the Dances of Universal Peace being led by another member.  The creativity will continue tomorrow morning when I attend the Mosaic class my brother gave me for my birthday.  Their class description said we will all leave with a completed mosaic art piece; very cool!  Seems like good energy to move into my talk with S. . .

Seeking Within

The housemate and I watched the Super.bowl together and his team (he grew up in NY) won, so that was fun.  I made yummy 7-layer bean dip, and we drank porter and later cooked up some pesto pizza.  A regular party around these parts, yo!

I'm about to go read me some more of the book, "Undefended Love," which I shared about in a previous post.  If you go through a heart-wrenching breakup, you may as well get some personal growth out of it, right?  The exercises I've done so far have been helpful, though I'd like to be doing them with a partner.  C'est la vie.

I'm becoming more and more convinced that my time right now should be spent on working on myself versus seeking a man.  I'm tired of desperately seeking.  A psychic in San Luis Ob.ispo told me before I moved up here a couple years ago that the right man would find me.  That my baby was waiting for this man and I to get together.  She said this man would be good looking, not need mothering (as she said many men I've been with so far have needed), and would have a child already or we would adopt one together (in addition to the baby we would create).  So there you go.  I just need to hang out and wait for him to show up!

Regardless of the veracity of her prediction - and actually I need to write another post about growing doubts I'll even have a biological child - I'm sick and tired of Ma.tch f'ing com and all the other crap dating sites.  I'm too weird (i.e. too 'deep' and artsy and progressive, etc.) to find my match on there.  

Plus, I'm still sorting through the remnants of my breakup with S.  We talked on the phone Thursday night, which felt surprisingly good.  He proposed we just check in that night about what had been happening in our lives and then talk again in two or three days about the relationship, to which I agreed.  Since the conversation, I've been thinking of him more and missing him.  I know, however, that what I need to focus on is getting more clarity and possibly healing.

I think part of missing him is just plain feeling lonely.  This book is helping me to not run away from those feelings. . .