Research and Reflections on Donor Conception

The topic I want to talk about today is coming out of my journey forward to become a mom through C@lifornia Conceptions (CC) and donor embryos... it's the question of, "How important is knowing our genetic history and connecting with others who share this history?"

I'm reading the book, "Finding Our Families," right now, which focuses more on children conceived with donor sperm and having one biological parent, but relates in many ways to all children conceived with donor gametes on male or female side or both. I wanted to read it because I wanted to reflect and find more information about using donor embryos and the experiences of the families and children in these situations. I also watched MTV's, "Generation Cryo."

The insights I've gained include:

1. When you tell the child seems to make a huge difference. The earlier the better seems to be the general consensus, but sharing information in a developmentally appropriate way is key. I have heard many shares and conversations about this on SMC blogs and discussion pages, and I know there is a lot of learned wisdom and books to help with this.
2. Different children will respond in different ways and some may want to talk about and be very interested in hearing as much information as possible, while others may not be that interested, at least not at first. The advice I've read is to follow the child's lead and try not to take any reactions personally.
3. Related to not taking reactions personally, the FOF book specifically recommends working out our own feelings, issues, and questions because the kid will read these and may be limited by us in expressing their feelings or authentically expressing or receiving what they want in this area. This includes grieving for dreams that we weren't able to fulfill, like having a biological child.
4. Finally, there are many people who have gone before me/us and paved the way to successfully search for donors and donor siblings and to build relationships with them, if we choose. I know some of you have connected and met with sibling groups and I appreciate even more, now, what you shared about these experiences.

My personal reflection includes focusing on my own experience of losing my mom at the age of four and feeling myself as though I were lacking pieces of my identity growing up. How I felt relieved in my 20's to get a box of her stuff, including several photo albums and possessions of hers, and experienced additional growth in my sense of identity and satisfaction in my 30's when I connected with her best friend growing up and in early adulthood and heard a lot of new stories and insights about my birth mom, as well as feedback about how alike or not alike she thought we were. I also met several other close friends of hers later at a reunion, which was wonderful.

I know that the way my father dealt (or more accurately didn't deal) with my birth mom's death affected me a LOT and affected my grieving process and my own identity. He made it seem shameful and like something that should not be talked about. I got the message that I'm lucky he remarried and I have a mom who is just like my mom because I was so young when they married (not true). I felt different within my family and felt a different relationship with my mom (step-mom) than my sister and brother but, because this was never acknowledged, I had to make sense of it in childlike ways that were not accurate, and I felt worse about myself because of it. This did not have to be the case if they would have talked about it more openly and made space for me to ask questions and talk about my feelings. I felt very emotionally isolated in my family. All this motivates me to do things much differently when I have a child. I know my situation was different in that I was five when my dad and mom (step-mom) married and my sister and brother were both from their marriage, but there are many similarities.

I am having thoughts that I really wish my child could know one biological parent. I feel sad that they can't even have a genetic connection with my family and know biologically related cousins and aunts and uncles, etc., though I know they will still have them and feel part of the family. I have no doubt I will love them as much as I would a biological child, and I'm excited about the opportunity to carry them and connect with them and contribute to their formation all throughout pregnancy. I have the skills and tools and commitment to communicate well with them about their origins, but I wish I could give them more.

At this point, I have a sense that I might become an advocate for donor-conceived children in some way (maybe all parents of donor-conceived children are) and help them to find any information they want to find, including pursuing finding their donors. I know this may be a controversial view. But the more I think about it, the more I feel that if someone donates eggs or sperm to create a child, whether they were capable of considering it at the time, they should come to understand the child's longing to know more about their genetic origins. Of course, if we found the donor(s) and they did not want to get to know the child, I would respect that, but I would hope they would answer questions over email or mail, including any health or medical information not initially provided or known.

The existence of the Donor Sibling Registry gives me great joy! I'm so grateful to these people for founding an developing it and will no doubt be part of it. The other great discovery I've made is that CC families have an online group and a secret FB group, and the women on there are so totally awesome and supportive. We can connect with one another using file numbers and can find out further male donor information because CC gives the first name of the donor and the bank. So, I know I can connect with donor siblings, both half and hopefully full, through these means.

All this reflection also led me to further research about using a donor egg and my brother's sperm. I know, that just sounds totally bizarre and brings up feelings around incestuous taboos, but it is actually genetically no different then using your sister's egg and donor sperm which many folks have done, and the places I contacted said that yes, this is definitely an option. Unfortunately, the price is nowhere near as affordable as CC at over 30 thousand. So even if I wanted to make that choice, I cannot afford it, which I feel disappointment about. I do feel good about considering this and researching all options so that when I explain my process to my child, I can say I did think about their feelings and explore all options I knew of.

I would love to hear any of your stories, reflections, or advice, if you're willing to share? Please let me know in comments if you would like to communicate over email. Thanks for reading and going through this experience with me. Overall, I'm really excited and grateful about the CC choice!

An Eventful Last Week - Friends, Family, and Fertility

My trip to Oregon was awesome! Three favorite parts:

1. Meeting with three awesome friends Friday night at a local wine bar/restaurant and a fourth joining us at the end (these were my peeps throughout the weekend). We immediately launched into familiar dynamics and reminiscing and laughter. So fun! I forgot how funny my high school friends were! It's been 15-20 years since I had seen two of them, so it's pretty amazing we just picked back up and felt close right away. We went on to have an awesome time connecting with our other classmates at the pizza parlor we frequented in high school, especially after football games - it hadn't changed! 
2. Walking downtown to the Saturday Market the next morning with my brother, sis-in-law and two little nieces. A nice outing in beautiful Eugene, time to catch up, and a tasty crepe breakfast down at the market. Here's a pic from our outing (sis-in-law is taking pic). 
   
3. Walking down to pick up my older niece and nephew - My Dad was out of town, so Zoey and I enjoyed staying at his condo, which is three blocks down from where my sis now lives in Mom and Dad's former house - then walking to the mall across the street to have lunch and paint pottery. Love being creative with kids! My poor niece, J, was feeling under the weather but with some liquid ibuprofen she toughed it out. She painted me a snake after I had raved about a snake my nephew had painted back at their house, which was so sweet. I can't wait to get my snake and place it in a place of prominence in my house! My nephew, E, was so cute and painted a sporty football with both he and his mom's name on it for her birthday, so they could place it in the trailer they've recently acquired and have loved spending time in lately.

After this trip, I am optimistic that my closest high school friends and I will stay in better touch. There were a few other friends with whom it was nice to hang out, as well, including one who works at the state university in Bend and said she could help me get a counseling job there (!). I could theoretically rebuild my business anywhere... My family had a house in Bend and goes there regularly, and I've always loved the area. But on the negative side, I feel like I just got settled here in this house with my new housemate, plus my plans to become preggo in the near future at CA Conceptions clinic not far from where I live. If I did get the job, though, it would pay well, and I could probably fly down for procedures and get a lot of testing done locally. We will see... I'm not sure if maybe I wasn't just feeling the love from the reunion and wanting that to continue.

Speaking of CA Conceptions, I got my saline sonogram done last week! Woo hoo! It was painful! I think the doctor doing the procedure was not as skilled as he professed to be, as there was another doc in there giving him guidance at times. But he got the job done, and the great news is that I'm all clear! I thought I would be since I had fibroid surgery a couple years ago, but it was great to have it confirmed. I have a small fibroid way in the back of the uterus that he said should not be an issue. I also was weighed and they told me I need to lose *3 pounds* to qualify for the refund option. I should be able to do that, right? Right! My housemate said she could give me a diuretic from her work if needed. lol I feel like a wrestler trying to hit my fighting weight.

I also started my new "for now" part-time job this week - so far, so good after a couple of days. More on that later. Hope you all have a great weekend!

p.s. I finally started my cycle the Friday of my trip to Oregon. It was a pain dealing with it at the events, but I was just so glad to get it, I didn't care. I feel so much better. And the doc saw two cysts on one ovary, which he said probably caused the hormone balance and delay. So peri-menopause is not the culprit on this one...unless it causes cysts? But the doc also said I had very few follicles happening on my ovaries, which aligns with my age.

Frustrated

OMG, I am so frustrated today! For one thing I was woken up by freakin' house builders readying the outside for the work they'll do on the bathroom this afternoon. It's work that needs to get done, but hammering and power tools is not a great alarm clock or background noise. I'm leaving in a few minutes to work out. I have an interview this afternoon with the brain injury support organization. Seems like a really good "for now" part-time opportunity, and I do hope I get it. But that adds to the stress, of course. Plus leaving for Oregon tomorrow. Plus I *still* haven't started my cycle! I asked my doctor via email and she said her guess was, wait for it, perimenopause. ha Well, I guess it probably is but it's so strange when you experience symptoms you've never experienced in your life. It's also continuing to delay my scheduling the saline sonogram. sigh. Well, better run, thanks for listening to my vent.

Classic

So, it's been about 5 weeks since my last cycle - 35 days! Argh. Isn't it classic that when you actually want your cycle to come, it won't? I can't schedule my saline sonogram for the C@lifornia Conceptions program until my cycle comes. The past couple days it feels like it might be starting to come but then, no. Please say a prayer to the menstruation gods for me.

In other news, my new housemate, L, moved in and so far, so good! I have had a few little flashbacks of how I used to feel living with the former crazy mean housemate, then I remember and relax. I don't need to worry about every little thing setting her off. I don't need to tiptoe around and try and anticipate her needs or her moods. L apologized yesterday for leaving a cup in the sink - I said, "No worries, I'd like that freedom sometimes, too, when we are in a hurry or at the end of the night." Cool! Communication and easy going-ness. And she likes Zoey! She asked me - of course you can! :) - then took her out on a long walk yesterday and Z loved it, of course. It's kind of cool that she's a nurse, too, in case of an injury or to ask her opinion on health stuff.

On the job search front, I have an interview next week for a resource specialist position with a brain injury organization. I have been applying for a few jobs outside of college counseling and getting more positive responses. It only pays half as much as college counseling :(, but as I tell my clients, it would be a "for now" job. I'm just really wanting to get some more money coming in to supplement my business income before my unemployment runs out, and so that I can move forward with my baby-making plans! My fingers are double crossed that, in the end, I do get a part-time counseling job at the college closest to me, but in the meanwhile, I'm going to branch out and go for other things. I did get two new clients, so that's exciting, too.

Next Thursday, I head to Oregon to see family and attend my 30th high school reunion. I'm a little nervous but mainly looking forward to it. The people organizing it are super friendly and encouraging everyone to come, even if you haven't lost that weight or made a million bucks. lol Zoey is getting vaccinations updated AND a bath and nail trim to get trip-ready before we leave. I am going to get my nails/toes painted and get a haircut. My dad will be out of town most of the time and I'm staying at his townhouse. He stopped seeing my aunt from Nebraska, which we were all glad about, and has been dating an age-appropriate, non-familial, local woman who seems like a great match for him. Funny how men often take up with someone new so quickly, though. My dad had a clear intention to find another partner and didn't want to be alone after all these years being married. Anyway, I'll see him for a day when he comes back and my sister and brother and families will be in town. A couple reunion events are open to all alumni, so my brother is coming to the Sunday afternoon gathering at a well-known micro-brew pub which should be fun.

I'm heading out in a couple of hours to a birthday party for a friend from my 6-month EOL leadership program. She has terminal pancreatic cancer so it's kind of a goodbye party. I feel sad and wish she had a lot more time. We weren't super close but she is a really good person and she made that big donation to my campaign, for which I will forever feel grateful (as I do for all the donations). This one was surprisingly huge, and I'm going to thank her again in a card and look forward to giving her a big hug.

Quick S update before I sign off... He saw the doctor and had an exam a couple days ago and his healing looks great! So he will get the ileostomy reversal surgery. The bad news is that apparently in the month after surgery, it's really tough and he would not be able to travel. He has two trips in October, and he was hoping to have the surgery done beforehand. Looks like he will have to wait until he gets back. But overall, it's great news! We may get together before I leave for Oregon. His birthday is next week. It's kind of strange... he feels like he was the slighted or rejected one in our break-up, even though he was the one who made the decision that he did not want to be a father, knowing how important that was to me. And stated it in no uncertain terms like he was drawing a line in the sand, which to me "felt" like breaking up. As baffling as it is to me, he insists that he did not expect that to lead to a break-up and felt like I "chose motherhood over him." I flat out told him on the phone the other night that I thought that showed a huge ego, and he didn't deny it. Frustrating and sad. I do seem to be in a better place right now and more open to friendship, but I'm not sure we will be able to move into that anytime soon. Time will tell I guess.

Hope you have a great weekend! I'm enjoying reading about all the summer activities...Hopefully I can spend a few hours out at the reservoir with my sister's family when I go home and do some swimming.

Things on my mind

I'm going to do a bullet post of "Things on my mind." How's that for general? :)

Things on my mind:

• Good stuff first! I found a housemate! We signed the sub-lease yesterday and she's moving in this evening. After having a couple months on my own, it will be an adjustment, but we are both Introverts and she seems to have really positive energy so I'm optimistic.
• Also, I had a last minute super-generous campaign donation from a friend, so the campaign total ended at about $2100! Super appreciative and grateful about that. I'm holding funds in a separate account to add to my own savings and hopefully a loan (will apply as soon as a nail down a part-time counseling job). I can schedule the required saline sonogram as soon as my cycle arrives.
• I signed two new clients last week, leading to the highest week of income yet for my business: $1800. This is great timing, as I have additional costs upcoming with Zoey needing a routine vet visit and grooming, then traveling to Oregon for my high school reunion next Thursday. Oh, and I just remembered I need an oil change, too!
• In other news, I wanted to follow up on my posts about the online date with the guy who had borderline A$pergers. I did let him know that I would like to be friends but felt we weren't compatible enough for a romantic relationship. I said I would understand if that didn't interest him, since he was looking for a romantic relationship. He hasn't replied, so I think that assumption is true... wishing him well.
• S find out this Thursday whether he can have the ileostomy reversed surgically in the near future. Despite our tension and lack of clarity right now - we are only talking every week or two - I am still praying for great news and a full recovery for him. Please send good thoughts.
• I am feeling stressed today... my monthly cycle is due any moment, which I am sure is contributing. The house will be cleaned today for my housemates move-in, and my "clean before the cleaner gets here" is not done and won't be done as I would like. Oh well. Also, I'm heading over to my landlord's house soon (he lives in a cottage next door) to go over and sign a new lease and pay some money. It will be good when it's done but it's kind of stressful and tedious.

Okay that's the news from Lake Martinez (in honor of Prairie Home Companion - Garrison Keeler's retirement). Hope you are enjoying your summer so far.

Last chance...

It's the last couple of days of my Fundrazr campaign to receive donor embryos through California Conceptions and achieve my long-held dream to become a mom. The campaign has raised $1474 so far, which helps a lot, and I feel grateful!

I was hoping to get closer to $3000, but I think I would need a much bigger contact sphere to get there. I was not willing to put the campaign out to my entire several hundred person FB page because there are many people - professional contacts, people I know vaguely from high school or extended family, like my sister-in-law's mother, etc. - that I don't want to share with at this level. I shared with a sub-group of closer friends and family on FB, through my campaign email list, and on this blog and 25 people have donated, which feels so supportive and encouraging.

I have decided to create an email list of the people who have donated and maybe a few others to whom I will send periodic updates on my continuing journey to become a mom. These will sometimes parallel my blog posts but other times include more specific information about decisions and treatments, etc. Let me know if you would like to be included on the list.

I am posting this campaign link one more time here on this blog: 
Help Kristina reach her dream of motherhood 

If you have not had a chance to donate yet, will you consider donating today if you are able? Any amount is helpful and means a lot to me.

Here is my guest blog at The Lambton Worm if you want to read more specifics of my story:

Hello! Jenny is generously sharing her blog space today so that I can tell you about my campaign to finally fulfill my dream to become a mom. Thank you, Jenny! Before I tell you about the campaign, I’d like to share the story about how I came to believe this path was right for me…
I always saw motherhood as part of my life and who I was meant to be. I dated a lot in my 20s and into my... continue reading

With appreciation,

Kristina

Well, it's official...

... he is borderline Asperger's. In my last post, I described his bahaviors. When these behaviors continued on our walk - after we were settled at the pub where we were watching the game - I asked him about it. He confirmed this diagnosis and said he didn't even know until he was 50! He now sees a therapist and I am the first woman he has told about it. He also shared how his (alcoholic) Dad hit both him and his mom sometimes :( which I'm sure affected him emotionally, as well.

I like him and I like hanging out with him, but it's hard to imagine being in a serious relationship with him. I feel like he should date someone more like himself, as should I. There are people who do not have Asperger's who are much more thinking-oriented and less feeling-oriented, who wouldn't have the same needs for depth of connection and empathy that I do.

I will say that, although he didn't look quite the same as his pictures - he like many other people put younger pictures up - I did feel some attraction for him and it felt good hugging him at the end. It may sound funny, but I wish I could make his dream come true of a wife and family or at least a long-term relationship. I don't want to be yet another rejection for him.

Another thought... I honestly wonder if S was borderline autistic. He joked about it before. He did have obsessive behaviors and he did have trouble connecting emotionally and empathizing. But he seemed capable and able to at times, so it seemed more of an emotional block combined with his personality type. I think that's probably true. But he did "act" autistic at times, which may have, in a way, desensitized me to some of this new guy's behaviors.

I would really like to find a guy who is deep and emotionally intelligent, with whom I can share intimacy on all levels.

Someone... interesting

I met someone... interesting. I am of course not completely over S yet, but I got back online for fun and connected with someone I've had a few phone conversations with and am watching the basketball game with on Sunday. I enjoy talking with him and feel comfortable with him on the phone. The thing is, he's not quite normal. I'm not sure *what* the issue is yet, but these are some of the ways I would describe him:

• Detail-oriented, to the point of sharing mundane details that are not really necessary. 
• Naive and almost child-like at times.
• Kind and patient.
• Cute, at least in his pictures.
• Smart? He has a Masters degree in social work. And yet, he seems not super sharp.
• Father was an alcoholic so made the decision to never drink and has kept to that.
• Asks a lot of questions (which I like).
• Listens. But doesn't respond a lot with affirmations that he's hearing me or statement of understanding, so sometimes I feel "out there" on the phone after sharing something.
• Available. Wants to be a father/parent.
• Has never been married or had a relationship longer than a few months and he just turned 52. 
• Didn't go to college until he was 35 and got his Masters when he was in his late 40s. Calls himself a "late bloomer" and a "diamond in the rough"
• Worked as a social services eligibility worker for the last 15+ years and worked as a bank teller for 10+ years in his youth. Works out religiously. Takes pride in his reliability and dependability.

Something is definitely different about him, but I'm not sure if it's a mental or emotional issue or if he's just been sheltered and chosen the "safe" road throughout his life and that's reflected in how he thinks and communicates. He says he has done counseling and obviously if he has his degree in social work, that would involve some introspection and growth. I have had this sense that he's not all there or he's a little "off." But at the same time fun and sweet and I like talking to him. I guess more shall be revealed... It's really nice to be on the same page when it comes to goals in life and having a child.

What is going on here?

I'm posting this in case it's happened to any of you or you know of it happening to someone...

Basically, I am five or six days late for my period. I've had a little - sorry for TMI - dark spotting but no red blood. I felt a little cramping (very light) a couple of times before the spotting followed later. My breasts have been sore since the weekend, also.

Before anyone gets excited, it's been over month and a half since S and I broke up. And I had a period at the very start of May. It was a somewhat lighter period and maybe a day shorter but still, a full period with - again sorry for TMI - cramping and full flow but not tissue that I can remember, which I usually do notice. So, of course, I'm googling bleeding while pregnant, etc.

But the rational part of me, knowing my age and the odds considering S was still on chemo pills, believes this to likely be about hormone-imbalance or peri-menopause. It's just never happened before, so it definitely raises my curiosity. Any thoughts or experience you're willing to share?

*As soon as I post this, I bet I start my cycle...

Only the Lonely

I'm having another lonely holiday weekend. It's really not so awful and I shouldn't complain. I just, well, feel lonely sometimes. Luckily, I'm an Introvert so I don't need to be social all the time, but then sometimes I think it holds me back because I don't want to go out into crowds or busy places by myself and find them draining.

I did get out yesterday to our local tap house that I've come to frequent (meaning go there once every week or two) and stumbled into watching the Warr.iors game. Half of it anyway; I have a hard time getting through an entire game when I'm watching by myself. Anyway, it was a pretty exciting game and really, they should have lost, but they pulled it out in the fourth quarter. I'm sure you're relieved and excited to hear that. :) Anyway, that was my social time.

S is visiting his daughter, son-in-law, and granddaughter, and I can't help but feel sad I'm not part of that. Ah well. My excitement for today, now that I've finished my mediocre book, will be doing a couple of loads of laundry and moving my couch in the living room. Once I get the TV connected - which I'm not rushing to do since I have Hu.lu and it's nice to take a break - it only makes sense to move the couch to where my housemate's couch was.

Speaking of housemates, I got a bite on the available room from a woman who is a friend of a friend and sounds perfect. Please send good wishes for our conversation tomorrow night! The only thing that might get in the way is that her internship is in Oak.land, which is a 35-minute drive from here. It's right on the line of doable and inconvenient. I make the drive a couple times a week myself right now for client appointments but honestly, I'm hoping to get more clients closer to home so I can start using my new office and not drive so much.

My campaign to finally become a mom has stagnated so it could use some good wishes, too. I'm hoping and praying to get some donations this week, which is officially the last week. There is "extended time" on the site that I will likely use, but I guess I was over-ambitious with my goal. In my mind (the site won't let me actually change it), my goal is now half of what I started with - $3K vs $6K - but I'm currently just about one third of the way there. Honestly, I thought a few close family or friends of family would donate who haven't. But of course, I have to let go and trust that if it's meant to be, I will find a way forward. On the other hand, many SMCs have donated and shared my campaign, which feels so supportive and kind - thank you so much!

For those reading who have thought of donating but haven't had a chance yet, if you are feeling called today or you've been thinking of donating, will you consider making a donation today at a level with which you are comfortable? Or if you've been thinking of sharing the campaign, will you do so this week? I would really be grateful and any amount is welcome and feels so encouraging to receive. Thank-you! Here's the link to share: http://fnd.us/help_kristina_become_a_mom?ref=sh_42BUxc or you can share directly from the fundrazr site.

Weekend Updates

Wanted to share an update after my dinner with S last night... In a nutshell, it was good but sad. We got into talking about some things about how things evolved in our relationship, even though the main focus was on what we want now and how we might be friends.

From what he said, it's clear that he was, from a fearful place, building a case against me (again), as he set up "tests" of sorts for me to prove myself. To some extent, I guess we all do that in relationships - try to figure out if the person is someone we could be with long-term and whether you are a good enough match to survive the challenges of life together.

The problem is, when you are "testing" someone, it changes the dynamic of the relationship and it gets in the way of love and intimacy. The other person - in this case me - will feel that they are being tested, will be able to sense an added urgency or behind-the-scenes agenda and will rebel or react in ways they would not have otherwise reacted.

Also, as S kept tally of these fears and worries about me, they accumulated into quite a list and ended up coloring any interaction we had with resentment. In a way, I feel really sad for him because he lived in this state, but I also feel angry because I experienced the pain of being on the other end of that behavior - wanting to connect and feel close as we had before but receiving judgment and anger instead. I know I have been guilty of fear or anxiety-based judgments, but I don't keep a tally or strategically test someone over time.

In any case, it seemed last night that, for what it's worth, he recognized the dysfunction in this behavior and was able to empathize with my side of it to some degree. We shared we both still care for each other and want to try to be friends, though it feels a bit tenuous or risky. It's worth it to try; at least I feel that way at this point. And the primary reason for our break-up is still our difference around wanting - or not wanting in his case - to become a parent, which feels like a very good reason that, in the end, makes this the right thing to do.

Going forward, I'm going to focus on what I want in my life, as a friend suggested in a comment on my last post, and that's finding a nice roommate, increasing my income via my business and part-time college counseling, and working on finances to move forward with the California Conceptions program to finally become a mom.

With regard to the latter, I wanted to share two more blog posts on my campaign that were recently posted by friends, Michaela and Jenny. Thank you both so much! If you write a blog and are willing to share my campaign or invite me to guest post, please let me know in comments or through the campaign page, and I'll follow up. I've been moved by recent donations by SMCs and friends from the blogging world - it means a lot coming from women who understand my experience. Will you consider making a donation at whatever level is comfortable or sharing my campaign in other ways? I'm hoping to raise $85 more before tomorrow to reach my $200 goal for this week. You can read about my long ttc journey in one of the blogs below...

A Single Journey: With a little help from my friends
Lambton Worm: Guest Blog - Kristina

I'm also planning to apply for a loan through my credit union in the near future and am in the process of applying for a grant. Hopefully, everything will come together and be enough to move forward in the fall, fingers crossed.

All Over the Map

Feeling sad today. I think because it's the first relatively open day I've had to feel anything. So. much. change. I'm sad about my break up but also continuing to feel it was the right thing. Yet still it's a loss, and I miss him.

But honestly, as I think of it, I miss the good times, not so much how things moved back into feeling like I was constantly a bother to him. He never had time for me - no time to talk on the phone, no time to get together, no time to listen to my feelings. I know I played a role in creating that dynamic, but I know that part of it is just his personality. The way he is wired to deal with closeness and intimacy. Also, the way his mind creates reservoirs of resentment that wall his heart off to me.

I don't miss fighting to see him or connect with him, and I don't miss just plain fighting. I definitely have more mental and emotional space now, but I think I've been avoiding grieving. Maybe I've been in the stages of bargaining and denial. He helped me buy my car, which was a boyfriend thing to do. Now, we are talking over dinner tomorrow about closure - what does that look like? Can we be friends?

My thoughts are veering all over the map right now. At times - like last night after a couple glasses of wine - I think, well, maybe he could move in and we could be friends and housemates and support one another. Maybe even friends with benefits. Then I think, no way would that work, and it would be inviting more frustration and suffering. I was at least thinking - from a more level-headed place - we could remain friends and leave the door open a crack, maybe check back in on our relationship in a few months, when he is completely done with treatment (and hopefully I'm pregnant). I feel that if we close the door and completely break up, there is no going back.

But then, I remember how I have felt these last couple of months when things deteriorated again, and I know I don't want that energy or dynamic in my life. Every time we've been together, it's devolved into some version of that place. And I. don't. want. it. It's exhausting and sad and frustrating and draining. I want love - to give and receive it. I want a strong foundation of attraction that doesn't go away, even when we are frustrated with each other, at least not for very long. I want someone who likes my personality, brashness and all.

So, S doesn't want to leave the door open, and maybe I don't want to leave the door open, either. I do feel sad for the good times, the break-throughs, those moments of vulnerability and opening and feelings of I love you so much. We had a lot of those, too.

Holding Up a Mirror

Another amazingly supportive post, this one from Laura at Our Surly Life. Reading it, I felt moved and really "seen," as well as a strong sense of belonging.

She also held up a mirror that I don't really think about that often - which is that I am the only one of my circle of mostly SMC bloggers to not yet have become a mom. I think part the explanation for that is that my blog is not just about ttc or becoming a mom, but also about relationship, career, self development, and just plain "life," and those are things we all share. But it's true that I have been "left behind" in that arena.

But honestly I haven't dwelt on it and have genuinely enjoyed hearing about their children and family developments. Sometimes the thought would cross my mind that I was learning from all their experiences and this would benefit me when I had a child.

In any case, I highly value this community of smart, courageous, and talented women and I'm grateful to be part of it! Thank you for your generous and compassionate post, Laura!

p.s. I went to doctor today my physical/check-up and also gave blood for a series of required tests for the program. :) Feels good to take steps forward. The bad news is that I gained more weight than I thought, and I need to lose 10 pounds to qualify for the refund. Argh

TTC Story in Guest Blog on The Lambton Worm

In hopes of getting the word out about my campaign to become a mom, I shared a long version of my ttc journey as a Guest Blogger on Jenny's blog, "The Lambton Worm." Jenny is awesome and a dear friend in the blogging world. Please go visit and check it out! Here is an excerpt:

I always saw motherhood as part of my life and who I was meant to be. I dated a lot in my 20s and into my 30s, but most relationships ended after a few months. I’m one of those women who decided when I was in my mid 30s that it was time to stop looking at every guy I dated as a potential father and co-parent. I had lived with two men and I think marriage was possible with a couple (different ones than those I lived with, oddly!), but I wasn’t mature enough at the time. Later, it just seemed like I had trouble meeting guys...read more

Good News and Bad News

These last few days have been full of good news and pretty darn bad news. The good news includes the success of my, "Career Exploration for Introverts," workshop on Friday, with seven attendees and four free half-hour career consultations scheduled. I will let you know how many new clients come out of the consults (I recently signed two new clients separately, as well!). I also learned a lot in this first round of offering this workshop, and I plan to continue refining and offering the content in the future. And the participants really connected with one another; so much so that I had to ask them to leave. For Introverts, as you might imagine, this is definitely unusual and a real accomplishment. :)

In other good news, my campaign to become a mother through California Conceptions just passed the $600 mark or 10% of the goal! I know a few folks who intend to make donations and a couple of them are close friends and family. If you would like to contribute, I would really be grateful. I am also offering "perks" of career counseling and/or resume review for various levels of contribution, which you can give to friends if you don't need it. If you write a blog and are willing to support me by posting about the campaign, that would be wonderful and sooo appreciated! If you contact me here or on my campaign page, I will gladly share a pre-written blog post that you could change and edit. Or you can introduce it however you like. I also am glad for all positive wishes!

I had fun and informative conversations with both the California Conceptions program coordinator and one of the doctors, and wanted to share a few interesting tidbits from those conversations:

• They confirmed that they offer a refund if you don't achieve a successful pregnancy after three tries, assuming you meet the requirements of 28% BMI and a clear saline sonogram. I meet the weight requirement but am a little too close to the line for comfort, so plan to eat more carefully and continue exercising. I'll get the sonogram with them probably in a month or so.
• My next steps - in addition to continuing to work on financing - are to get a physical and complete the list of blood tests. I can also move forward on seeing an approved therapist for one appointment to discuss the psychological/emotional aspects of donor embryos.
• The doctor said there is a 65% chance of success each try, using one embryo, and 75% using two embryos. The chance of twins, while in a typical pregnancy is one in a thousand or so, with this process (due to using 5-day blastocysts) is 1 - 1.5% chance. So using two embryos, there is a 3% chance of having triplets. I think I got that right, but any math majors, please feel free to correct me! In any case, there is a much higher rate of multiples, which makes me reconsider my original intention to use two embryos each try. What would you do?

Last bit of good news...had a great "coaching circle" meet up with a few folks from my EOL program yesterday. A guy from the program developed this curriculum, so we are acting as guinea pigs but reaping the benefits of the Theory U material he is using and enjoying having a reunion with one another. We will meet two additional times virtually and possibly once more in person.

Ending with the bad news, which as I think about is actually good and bad news in itself. Good news is I'm alive. Bad news is that when I got my oil changed yesterday, the automotive place did not fasten my wonky hood correctly and it flew up on the freeway, shattering my windshield and blinding me for a few seconds. The policeman and tow truck operator both said I was very lucky, and that most people swerve or slam on the brakes when that happens. For whatever reason, I didn't do that, but instead kept driving praying I was in the lane, slowed down, realized I could peek through a crack where hood connects to the car and work my way over to the next lane and then onto the shoulder, at which point I burst into hysterical tears that lasted a good 10 minutes. It was pretty traumatizing - just the shock of it and knowing the danger. I was fortunate that the glass did not break out of the windshield frame, but instead cracked into thousands of pieces and send little shards of glass onto the seat and onto my clothing; the rear view mirror also flew off. I walked away unhurt. Thank God. I'm having the car towed from my house to a shop tomorrow and it looks like my insurance will cover most of repair, minus deductible, and give me a rent-a-car.

Thanks for hearing all my news. I hope your weekend had as much or more good, and way less bad than mine did!

p.s. I have had a couple positive conversations (all things considered) with S and will share about these in my next post...

Significant Developments

This will be a very significant and eventful post for me. It may seem sudden, but what I've realized is that this suddenness is connected to the fact that I was waiting and feeling "on hold" for the last 7-8 months. Waiting for S and my relationship to progress. Waiting for him to come around and become clear on wanting to be a parent. Waiting for the worst of his treatments to be over and for him to be in a place where this could be a priority. And not only was I putting my dreams of motherhood on hold, but also my hopes for a deeper commitment.

After 3 years in relationship and 5 years since we first became romantically involved, I felt we knew each other well enough to move forward. At the beginning of this year, S asked me for patience around that. So I waited. Along the way, I felt him opening up and, if not yet embracing, becoming willing to accept becoming a parent with me. We had several talks, as I've mentioned on this blog; one in which we talked about whether we might go the donor embryo route or the donor egg route. I was surprised to hear he felt drawn to the donor egg route, if I was open to it.

All this to say, when we had our second big conversation about becoming parents last weekend, I anticipated us continuing to discuss options and process his concerns/fears about his age and about finances, but ultimately to get on the same page to work together towards a common goal or goals. What I was not expecting was for him to begin the conversation saying that he had come to a decision that he did not want to become a father again due to those concerns. That he had made up his mind. I later learned he had come to this decision over a month ago (!), which helps explain some of the dynamic and fighting between us during this time.

You might recall he has a history of making unilateral decisions and keeping secrets, then blindsiding me once he feels clear and has judged the time to be "right" to tell me. It has never gone well. When we had those processing conversations back when we ended our relationship the last time and when we got together again last August, we discussed that pattern and I asked him to be honest; to not keep secrets. I believe secrets are toxic.

In any case, last weekend when he said he was clear he did not want to be a father again, I was completely blindsided and went into shock and abandonment grief. It felt like a betrayal and that he was saying he did not want to be with me. Knowing how much this means to me and then to say he absolutely doesn't want it felt like he was breaking up. We parted ways pretty quickly after that without talking about it in more depth. We have exchanged a couple of emails and have plans to talk Friday or Saturday. I'm not sure if there is any way through for us. I am open to talking about but I can't imagine having a child and being with him but he not participating in caring for the child. And I don't intend to give up my dream.

So... fueled by the many months of waiting and re-committed to my dream - and also encouraged by several special online women friends who have been supportive through my many years of trying to have a child - I took some big steps this week, which include...

• Updating my application for the California Conceptions donor embryo program, a program I had researched and considered three years or so ago.
• Starting a fundrazr campaign to hopefully raise half the cost of the program - $6,000. 

My business has grown and it's likely I'll have counseling hours at a college again starting in May/June. I will know more about this next week and take further actions at that point. I'm also meeting with my bank to explore financing options. But both because I think I would likely only qualify for a few thousand and because I don't want to start a family too much in debt as a likely single mom, I am asking for support to cover some of the expense of the California Conceptions program.

I realize some of you reading this may not agree with this method of covering expenses, and I respect that...I ask that you also respect my decision. I have considered this carefully, and I feel in alignment with crowd funding as a partial support. In part, because I have supported others campaigns to help them achieve their sacred dreams, and I do feel this dream of mine is sacred. I've felt called to be a mom for over 10 years and spent time reflecting and researching and even taking steps back and not pursued it for some time while I looked at my motivations and healed from past hurts. I am a spiritual person and believe that God has guided me to become a mom; I feel it is part of my purpose and part of who I am.

Which leads me to a request. If you feel drawn to support my campaign, will you consider making a contribution and/or sharing my campaign with your circle of friends? I would be deeply grateful. If you don't feel comfortable with either of those actions, wishing me well is enough and also means a great deal. If you're still reading, thank you for hearing me. I will write updates on this blog as things progress.

With Gratitude,
Kristina

Exhausted, sleepy, and hopeful...

I just assisted at an intro. weekend for my business marketing group. We gain benefits in terms of connecting more with staff and others in the program who are assisting, but are also paid several hundred dollars towards our current debt or future programs with them. So, it's well worth it for me, as I now, after working this weekend, owe them less than $1000! I wrote the powers that be an email asking if there was any way I could do their next level "Speaker" program in June/July, which would help my inner confidence continue to grow AND give me tools to speak on stage and make program offers. I hope she says yes, but it's likely she will say no. If it's a no, then I'll assist at the intro. weekend in September and hope to join that program then. The problem is that the Speaker events I want to attend only happen in June/July of each year, so I would have to wait over a year to take them (there are other awesome events with that program, too, called "leverage"). Even if I don't do the Speaker event this summer, I still plan to speak to groups and give workshops to the best of my ability; I just know that my ability would be far greater with this program. We will see what happens.

As is true after all of these weekends, I'm super exhausted today. I slept in big-time and can't believe it's after 4pm already. I haven't even eaten lunch... I did learn a lot and connect with other folks. Watching our program leader "dance with concerns" was definitely inspiring. One of the biggest reasons I joined this program is it wasn't about sleezy sales; it actually has a spiritual foundation and prioritizes people being "aligned" in a yes or no, versus trying to win them over to a yes no matter what. And that is translating to the consultations I am doing with possible clients. I am better able to talk with them about their worries and not collapse into just saying, "Okay, no problem, that's fine for you not to work with me," or "Okay, no problem, I can reduce my rate to a lower amount." Instead, I hold my own value and alignment and support them to make an aligned decision for themselves; one that they don't regret. I don't know if this makes sense as I'm explaining it, but it's a different approach and I feel grateful to be learning and practicing it.

I have eight clients now and several more consultations on my calendar and a workshop coming up at the end of the month. I would still like to pick up part-time college counseling hours again to support me, at least for now. I heard back from a couple full-time applications that I did not get interviews. Still waiting to hear back on three possibilities for part-time work, which would be my ideal.  Fingers crossed.

A last thought about S - he is continuing to do well with his treatment but it's uncomfortable and aggravating, and hard to sustain for so long over these last few months. I'm doing my best to be supportive and hold onto the bigger picture, but sometimes I just want him to be more loving and for us both not be in limbo waiting to feel normal again.

Happy Easter! and family/work updates

I'm not sure if this post will be cohesive, but wanting to share some happenings, so here goes...

It's Easter weekend, and I'm feeling a little sad not to be spending it with a little one. I told S that I wanted to spend this Easter with a child - my nieces and nephew or his grandchild - but it's not working out unfortunately. His daughter and son-in-law did make the move out here. She has a job already, and he has been interviewing and is close to landing one. They sent their one-year-old to her grandma's house in another state during the transition, which I don't think that I could do, but it sounds like she's happy and thriving. The grandma has been a caregiver for her since birth, so that does make it easier. She should be arriving in a week or so - can't wait! - but we're missing Easter with her.

Instead, I'm meeting S to watch the UO bball game (go Ducks!) this afternoon out at a sports bar somewhere, then going to dance tomorrow morning for the first time in over seven months - my knee is doing great with daily use and working out but I'm planning to take it easy - and meeting S afterwards for Easter brunch. Looking forward to our plans, but I'd still rather be with my brother's kids right now dying eggs!

S and I have been doing pretty well. We hit a bump in the road a week or two ago around his jealousy rearing it's head again and my frustrated attempt to set a boundary which then triggered him, but have moved through it in part thanks to the NVC couple's group we've been attending. We still plan to see our counselor to work through it further but are feeling close now. He's in his last round of chemo treatments and doing well so far, but we still have a few months to get through. As a reward for getting through it all, we plan to travel to Ireland in September! His step-son is getting married near Dublin. Woo hoo! It will be my first time traveling there, though I do have some roots in my ancestors, the Dunlavy's.

We have also had further conversations about becoming parents and made headway. We talked about different options, and I think he's coming around to donor embryo or foster adoption, but it's another thing we plan to discuss with our counselor. He's understandably worried about finances and the long-term responsibility piece. He makes a very good salary at this current job and honestly I'm not sure where it all goes and why he can't save more than he does. I know he has some credit card debt, but as I'm writing this I wonder if he's paying alimony to his ex-wife. We have had some money conversations but haven't gotten that far, yet.

My business continues to build slowly in fits and starts. I have a couple more career consultations this week so wish me luck. I'm also still waiting to hear back about two college counselor applications I submitted. My ideal is still to land a part-time counseling gig and continue building my business. There is a chance that I could be re-hired and given hours at my previous college for summer/fall, so I'm keeping an eye on that, as well. My marketing/client attraction program just formally ended with the final intensive last weekend, but I'm assisting at the next event in April and plan to stay connected, hopefully doing their speaker and leverage programs in the near future. I would definitely love to publish an e-book and get some videos or a home study program online! I officially joined my BNI local networking/referral group last week and am super excited about the potential there to get a steady stream of new clients. We are meeting for a second time next week.

Still waiting to see what happens with my housemate/living situation, but she couldn't pay rent on time this month, and I'm wondering if she might be on her way out. Considering that factor plus negative responses from the college district nearest S, it looks like it might be a good thing for S to eventually move in here. More shall be revealed soon, hopefully, on that front. Guess that's all the news for now...Hope you have a very Happy Easter weekend!

So Annoyed

I just received a letter saying my equivalency application for one of the local college districts was denied. WTF?! I have been working in another local district for the last several years, and on top of that my equivalency application for yet another local district was very recently accepted. As I understand it, these standards are uniform across the state so why am I being denied by this one district? Argh! I have had nothing but bad experiences applying for schools within this district, so I am beginning to think that I am not meant to work for them.

Also, it's stormy, wet, and grey here, and I have a big case of PMS. So. Annoyed.

Thanks for listening. Hope your weekends are going better so far.

Liminal Hopes and Dreams

I'm feeling kind of lost today for some reason... I'm sad to say I had another shocking confrontation with my housemate a couple nights ago. Not as bad as others but still very disturbing to my psyche and peace of mind. Not surprisingly it had to do with sharing what she thinks of as "hers," i.e. the tv which she owns.  *Located in the middle of our living room, the fact of which makes it seems silly to buy another tv but perhaps that's what I should do.

Synopsis: She was gone at a family gathering for a couple hours during the academy awards. I was watching it when she came home and it was literally at the last three or four minutes when they reveal best actor and best movie, which they build up to all night. I asked to have a few minutes longer, which I think most reasonable people would understand and agree to, but she stood there angrily in her robe. The show actually went overtime and cutoff so I left. I came back in for a moment to let her know what the recording time where she had left off watching earlier and she erupted in rage and again called me a "Taker," and also said, "I don't know who you think you are, but you're not that person."

WTF is that psychological abuse? Trying to get in someone's head and make them question who they are? And she's supposedly worked as a therapist. So yucky and disturbing. I pay half of the cable and give her wide berth in watching it when she wants. The fact she's gone two to three nights per week at her daughters has made this situation tolerable to begin with, but she's coming back this afternoon and I feel the oppressive energy of that fact. So. Done. With. Her.

I really do like this house very well, in all aspects but the bathroom which the owner didn't renovate when he did the kitchen. The kitchen is large and nice and new, with tiling and lots of counter space, etc. The location is pretty nice, as well, within walking distance of this small town's downtown and near two nice parks. S and I have talked about him taking it over when she leaves so I'm trying to stick it out. She said she wants to leave and plans on leaving but it's now March when she initially said the beginning of the year.

There are other situations unfolding which play into where we live (we are talking about us living together wherever that may be) - including if and where I land another counseling job. If it's at the college near where I live right now, then the situation mentioned above is the one we would go for. I think we would pay Marilyn off in some way or try and negotiate with the owner. I don't have confidence she would want to help us at all, but I have found that money talks to her. I would even help her find a place, as far as sending her leads. I think she should live in a mother-in-law unit or apartment near her daughter in a city that's about 45 minutes away.

Anyway, that's one scenario. The other ones are either that I get hired up north in S. Rosa full-time or in the E. Bay (near bkly and oklnd) full-time or part-time. The first option would lead us to move up there, the second option we could stay here or move closer in, finding a place with a yard in a walkable pocket neighborhood. Zoey of course is a huge factor. She's worth it but she adds further considerations, mainly that the place is dog-friendly and has a yard, which hugely limit the choices. I do NOT like long commutes, however, so I would work to avoid that, unless BART worked super well for the location.

In the meanwhile, I do feel lucky right now that I have an abundance of time to work on my business. Honestly, sometimes I get stuck and am not sure what I should even be doing, but at those times I just need to go back to making lists and prioritizing... sometimes I wish someone would tell me, "This is the most important thing to work on right now, then this and this." ha I have to be the grown one and direct myself.

My introversion, while a strength in many ways, is holding me back on the networking front. I have every intention of going to a networking event, but then the time comes and I just don't have the energy or motivation. Sounds lame saying it. I am totally and 100% committed to attending a networking group next week, which may or may not lead to a solid referral network, fingers crossed. Looking for other ways to inspire and butt kick my way to attending other events, like committing to going with someone else. Also, finding events close by seems to really help energetically.

This afternoon and evening are quite busy starting with an appointment with the counselor I and we have seen in the past. I want to explore how to let go or give less weight to the idealization and fantasy around my "first true love." I realize that's what I've been subconsciously comparing every relationship since then to...I went back and read blog posts from when I gave it a second try with that person. What a nightmare in so many ways. From feeling bored and distant, to insecure when he was checking out my sister, to abandoned when he headed up to keep drinking when I wanted to call it a night during my brother's wedding weekend, to retraumatized when he made a unilateral decision to abruptly end things as he had more than two decades ago.

The "one thing" that was great was our base physical chemistry. He did not even kiss well and was not a great lover. But I felt physically drawn to him and comfortable with him in that area. I have researched and found out that this is "a thing" to idealize and be hung up on your first true love, and I want to contextualize it and get help with managing it and giving it less weight. Can any of you relate to this dilemma?

After my counseling appointment, I'm heading into the office to meet with a client, then I'm meeting up with S for our Val.entine's dinner romantic makeup dinner. He had the stomach flu that night, so we never ended up going to that awesome restaurant I was talking about. Tonight is our do-over! Should be really fun and connecting; I love these type of dinners with S.

Happy March to you! Hopefully, I'll have some good news to report on the job or business front next time.