Dark and Random Thoughts

Random, thoughts for a rainy Wednesday (on the dark side so feel free to skip)...

• On efforts toward ttc.  As I've mentioned, it was such a nice change to be trying with a partner for the last half of last year.  We were planning on pulling out bigger guns after December.  I now wonder if S had cold feet around that idea which influenced his behavior to some degree.  I don't want to believe that, but when I look back at certain red flags, I do wonder.   For instance, when we both got onto his health care plan in November, I was most excited about the resources this opened up around ttc.  His reaction was decidedly deflating at that point, though we had discussed this benefit in the past.  

• So I'm still on the health plan.  I suppose since we seem to be broken up for the long hall, I should exit the plan and go back onto the minimalist plan I was on before.  It's so hard to accept that I may be out of time to try with my own eggs.  At 43, I feel like this is the last year I could reasonably try with injectables or IVF.  But I don't have the resources for either of those choices on my own.  It's depressing and brings up a lot of despair in me right now. 

• I feel like I'm drifting through life.  I honestly wonder if I have the fortitude and strength of character to build a full life on my own.  Has anyone else felt this way?  With S, I could see so many possibilities in terms of manifesting my dreams:  living in community, creating my own home and family, collaborating on Transition/sustainability projects together.  The idea of doing these things alone feels daunting and unattainable.  

• Finances come into play, I think, but just as important is having the stamina and energy.  I generate a lot of energy from interacting with someone else: brainstorming, acting as each others' sounding board, helping to making decisions, staying accountable, garnering more courage to stretch and try new things, motivating to engage with new projects and people.  I'm not an extrovert "go getter" by nature.  On my own, I tend to hibernate and withdraw.  I try to work against this tendency in myself, but I haven't been incredibly successful.  

• For example, my dancing, which is integral to my joy and sense of self, has been stuck in a rut for a while now.  I know that it would be "good for me" to expand my dance venues beyond my small, safe Sunday morning dance, but I fear the unknown.  This week, I put out feelers to local dance friends asking about attending the larger, weekly Dance Journey dance with me this Friday.  If no one else steps up, my intention is to go anyway.  I wish I had someone to hold me accountable and kick my butt if need be!

• I also know that I downplay and underestimate myself.  I actually have a lot of accomplishments under my belt.  But my most meaningful life goals seem elusive.  Maybe I'm just situationally depressed.

p.s. I have been continuing to talk collaboration with the administrator of that local economy/jobs website called PermaculturExchange.  Our project focus has been morphing it's focus, but I hope to begin some outreach to potential organizations/employers with project work needs in the near future.

p.p.s.  In rereading this post, it struck me that being with a partner, and being with S, doesn't necessarily make me a stronger person, but it makes me feel safer.  I feel like I'm not all alone in the world, struggling like a fish upstream.  Perhaps it numbs or cushions my raw, existential angst.  It also cushions me financially - that is the hard truth.  I think in an "ideal" relationship, two people would make one another stronger, bring out the best, and support one another's goals... but S and I did not reach that ideal.  He definitely allowed me to pursue ttc and also brightened my life with companionship and entertainment, but with regard to career and home/community, I don't think we consistently or effectively supported one another.  From my perspective, he held back a lot of himself from me.  And I could definitely put the blinders on...

It's Over... Again

Well, the Snake struck again.

I thought we were in an exploratory time together.  But he did his classic blindside routine, making a unilateral decision based on his own fears and insecurities. Instead of talking to me about these fears and insecurities. he informed me that he wasn't feeling the romantic side of things enough to continue moving forward.

I'm enraged and disgusted.  I trusted him and opened up to possibilities, though I had my own doubts.  I thought we were in it together.  There were so many ideas we discussed that will now never see the light of day.  I don't feel we gave it a good chance.

But believe me when I say I will not be lingering and suffering and analyzing over many months again.  He's not worth the time and energy.  I will be continuing on in my own growth growth and self-awareness process.  And hopefully I will meet someone who has the courage and the ability to meet me fully and honestly in an intimate relationship.  Until then, I will continue my own soul's work.

My doubts around chemistry definitely came up again this week, so from that perspective, I feel hope that I will find someone with whom I feel more spark.  And maybe, at some point soon, I will be in a position to pursue the family I've imagined for myself.

Today is a dark day, but I know tomorrow will be better.

Time Off and More Talking

This week has been one of three weeks off from my teaching job.  It just worked out that way because of a school break and a delay in signing on the next school.  Here's praying that the next school signs on the dotted line!  This situation classically illustrates the unreliable aspects of working for a grant program.  Luckily, I've been working double hours lately, which leaves me with a bit of savings.

I told myself (and S) that I was going to search for another part-time job for several hours every day this week.  I did spend time writing and reflecting on my goal of working as a Transition/Green Career Counselor.  And it looks like I can make some money working for the Perm.acultureXchange website, researching and conducting partner outreach..... but I haven't been disciplined enough and am feeling frustrated with myself.  Tomorrow is a new day and I WILL spend a good chunk of time to that end.

S and I spent all Sunday together.  The idea was that we would do our Sunday "routine," but, yeah, that didn't happen so much.  I came over and was flooded with emotion remembering the conflicts we had over there before we broke up and also that his ex had been living there all of December.

So, instead of Spiritual practice, we ended up talking a lot more about all that.  Then we did head down to the Farmer's Market and to dance/workout.  Followed by lunch and more talking.

Major insight:  when we've felt stuck trying to talk through conflict, he is totally committed to making me understand why my actions/strategy are not working, and I am totally committed to trying to reconnect through compassion for one another.  Mental versus emotional.  Head versus Heart.  Does not compute.  This is a breakthrough because we got stuck there a lot at the end!

Tonight we're going to dinner/movie.  And probably more talking!  Ha!

SSSaturday Night

Spending an exciting Saturday night cooking and watching a pre-recorded show about Whitney Houston's life.  Her voice was spine-tinglingly amazing and listening to "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" takes me right back to high school.  Just starting to get into the Bobby Brown part of her life.  I was sad to hear of her passing and would like to hear any new details that may help me understand more about her.

Last night, S and I had drinks at my house and then went out to dinner.  More talks.  More processing.  And an awareness that things feel different.  This may sound cheesy, but they feel more honest and real.  It seems like we are both willing to be more vulnerable.  

He's starting to get an inkling of how this situation affected me emotionally.  I'm better understanding his complete cluelessness.  lol  It's hard, but I have come to believe he did not "force my hand" in breaking up with him; that he truly did not think this situation would cause our relationship to implode.  

We've come to realize that we were both in some denial at the end of last year - hoping things would get better or "go back to normal" but growing farther apart.  I think the jealousy was largely connected to insecurities we both felt about our relationship.  There were ways I maintained distance from him in my heart.  He did the same.  I have some hope at this point that we both may be willing to do work that could open new possibilities.  But I'm not going there quite yet.  

I will say that tomorrow morning we are going to get together for our Sunday morning routine, which was something I always loved:  meditation and spiritual reading, a trip to the Farmer's Market, and carpooling up to my dance and his workout class.  I'm looking forward to it.  But even as I write this, I am realizing that I don't want to have expectations for things to unfold in some idealized way.  That was part of how I contributed to problems.  If difficult feelings come up in him or in me, I want to be present to them and not take the perspective that they are ruining things, if that makes sense.  

Okay, enough analysis, back to Whitney.  Hope you are all enjoying your weekend!

Report on "The Talk"

Talk with S went very well.  I was able to express the deep hurt and also the anger, and he heard it and felt things I wanted him to feel like guilt and compassion.  I understand more of his side of the fence--the main new information being that he was thrown both when I broke up with him and later when I said I didn't want to be friends.  He expected a reaction but not to that level.  He thought we would still go to Oregon.  Also, he thought I would come around to thinking about his history with the ex and bring that more into my considerations.  I reiterated how it felt like he emotionally broke up with me prior to me formally taking that action.

There were things he said that I want to know more about, like how he sees he has a pattern of "setting a trap," referring to the situation with me and his ex.  I want to know more about his feelings when he said that yes, he was going ahead with his plans despite how I felt and how I said I couldn't handle it.  I know some of the thought process, but I want to know the feelings.  Part of me still feels pain thinking of that moment and that decision on his part.  He said he felt dizzy and sick to his stomach when he got the email about me not wanting to be friends, and I admit that felt soothing to hear.  We acknowledged the sadness that we didn't get more help from resources in our community and the many connections we have.

We are going to talk again soon.  At the end of our talk, we held each other and ended up kissing.  I won't lie; it felt really good.  More warmth and tenderness mixed in with the passion part.  Who knows what that means.  I'm just trying to stay focused on myself as we talk through things that have needed talking for a long time.

A Busier than Usual Weekend

Actually getting together tomorrow in-person with S to talk about our relationship and it's demise.  I still struggle with wrapping my head and heart around his decision about the ex at the end, and how he could have held the idea of her coming out and staying with him in his head our entire relationship.  So hopefully I'll find a bit more peace with that whole thing.

The dark side in me that I want to forget, which I've shared a lot about in previous posts, revolves around my doubts around our chemistry and my judgments of him, as well as my tendency to want to force things to be what I wanted them to be at times.  I honestly think our two sides are connected.  It doesn't make it okay, but it helps explain the disconnect that might open the door for him to consider such things.

The confusing thing about relationships is that everything - all the issues and feelings - are wrapped around each other and interconnected like jungle vines.  Trying to dissect and unravel "my part" and "your part" can be an exercise in higher emotional math.  But, yes, I enjoy higher emotional math more than most!

Shout out to all you who've been enduring the sick lately.  I've been under the weather since a week ago last Tuesday with this cold/cough crud that's been going around.  I'm grateful there wasn't any severe congestion, knock on wood (this thing has had so many phases, I wouldn't be surprised if another one rolled around), but the coughing has been a real joy.  Not so much.

I'm kind of warped in my sense of humor sometimes and would tease certain more rowdy kids with threats I was going to cough on them.  hehe  Maybe that's really inappropriate; I'll probably get a call from a parent.  In my defense, I never actually DID it.  :-)

Brief side note:  I confirmed that there will be no hours for me for at least two or two-and-a-half months this summer = increase the urgency in search for added income sources!  I also talked to the Dean of our department, and she said there are no additional grant hours available.  And even if there were, I could only work a total of 16 hours a week per a specific District rule.  Disappointing.  She also said supportive things about my value to the team and gave me some positive guidance, so that felt good.

Looking forward to my Heart and Soul community meeting tonight and the Dances of Universal Peace being led by another member.  The creativity will continue tomorrow morning when I attend the Mosaic class my brother gave me for my birthday.  Their class description said we will all leave with a completed mosaic art piece; very cool!  Seems like good energy to move into my talk with S. . .

Seeking Within

The housemate and I watched the Super.bowl together and his team (he grew up in NY) won, so that was fun.  I made yummy 7-layer bean dip, and we drank porter and later cooked up some pesto pizza.  A regular party around these parts, yo!

I'm about to go read me some more of the book, "Undefended Love," which I shared about in a previous post.  If you go through a heart-wrenching breakup, you may as well get some personal growth out of it, right?  The exercises I've done so far have been helpful, though I'd like to be doing them with a partner.  C'est la vie.

I'm becoming more and more convinced that my time right now should be spent on working on myself versus seeking a man.  I'm tired of desperately seeking.  A psychic in San Luis Ob.ispo told me before I moved up here a couple years ago that the right man would find me.  That my baby was waiting for this man and I to get together.  She said this man would be good looking, not need mothering (as she said many men I've been with so far have needed), and would have a child already or we would adopt one together (in addition to the baby we would create).  So there you go.  I just need to hang out and wait for him to show up!

Regardless of the veracity of her prediction - and actually I need to write another post about growing doubts I'll even have a biological child - I'm sick and tired of Ma.tch f'ing com and all the other crap dating sites.  I'm too weird (i.e. too 'deep' and artsy and progressive, etc.) to find my match on there.  

Plus, I'm still sorting through the remnants of my breakup with S.  We talked on the phone Thursday night, which felt surprisingly good.  He proposed we just check in that night about what had been happening in our lives and then talk again in two or three days about the relationship, to which I agreed.  Since the conversation, I've been thinking of him more and missing him.  I know, however, that what I need to focus on is getting more clarity and possibly healing.

I think part of missing him is just plain feeling lonely.  This book is helping me to not run away from those feelings. . .