I just attended another weekend intensive for my business marketing program. Whew, my Introvert is once again exhausted! I'm glad I went, though, because I am now re-inspired to keep the momentum growing with my business.
I also had a moment of insight that I hope will continue to unfold and positively affect my energy and the flow of money in my business. It happened near the end of the last day when the program leader did another "break-through" session with an attendee that helped them heal from a block holding them back. We then went through an exercise that could potentially heal the same block in us... basically, letting other people's criticism and ways they had hurt us hold us back from expressing our gifts and living our life fully. I initially thought that my "issue" was around a frat guy kind of archetype being critical of or hurtful to me - which I have had some unfortunate experience with and which my dad resembles in some ways - but then during the exercise I became emotionally triggered when my partner looked away at someone else in the room (we were taking turns doing dance/movement for the purpose of taking our power back). When she did that, I felt my power immediately drop out of me and I couldn't recover it, ending the exercise feeling sad.
On reflection, I realized a core issue for me is letting others define whether I am important or "good enough." It may sound simple, but it feels significant to pinpoint. It's odd because I have felt scared to be "seen" at time with putting my business communication and messages into the world, but I think underlying that is a fear that I will put my heart out there and create something I care about and want to share with others and no one will be interested or want it. So, I think that leads to me playing it somewhat safe and not wholeheartedly putting myself out there in my work and daring to care or become attached. Something like that. I'm still figuring it out. Anyway, I feel grateful and plan to discuss it in my business coaching session because I think it will lead to growth. This program places importance on both the "inner" and "outer" game or work we do, which resonates with the way I view my own work with clients and is a big part of why I joined this program.
S and I are getting along well and have had fun together lately, as well as sharing some productive and loving conversations. After struggling with my judgmental side coming up again strongly in our relationship, I made a shift in which I changed the question to "how" versus "whether." In other words, focusing on how to be in the relationship and deal with my judgments versus whether to continue in the relationship considering the judgments, which I think is a positive boundary for me. My mind definitely has the tendency to fixate on something and drive me, and others, crazy at times. He is being very helpful and supportive with my business, which feels awesome.
Lastly, his daughter, son-in-law, and granddaughter are definitely moving out here in a month or month and a half. His granddaughter is only one and a half and a smart and adorable little girl. We will spend time with them regularly, I think, and be part of their support system. S will more than me, but I see both of us being involved, especially considering my thus far very positive connection with his daughter and the way S and my relationship is heading. Wow, just thinking about that is exciting! And I can enjoy it without reservation because S is supportive now of my own desire to become a mom. So, I don't feel like it's one or the other or in place of having my own child.
Oh, and S is recovered from his stomach flu and finally getting back to regular strength after his surgery. I know he has more treatment to come, but it's nice to have some time where he is feeling good!
2/22/2016
2/11/2016
Labor and Love
Ach! Going crazy with the roommate over here. She is a Diva with the space; flouncing into the living room or kitchen at her convenience expecting me to jump up and move. Now, I'm working at my desk and she's in the living room just next door with the TV on. Ach! Thank God she's leaving midday for a couple of days. And thank God for headphones and calming Youtube recordings.
In other news, S had a bump in the road with his surgery recovery. His largest laparoscopic wound (not sure what to call it) got infected and broke open. He had to go back into the hospital for a couple days. It understandably freaked him out as it happened in the middle of the night and he had to call an ambulance to take him in. He's doing okay now so, fingers crossed, recovery will go as planned from here on out.
We have our couples NVC class this evening. There are only two couples in the class, which creates an almost uncomfortable intimacy between all of us in the small meeting room. We are being asked to share a lot of vulnerable feelings and experiences around our relationship communication, which is good and leading to some insights, but I admit I wish there one more couple at least. We learn from other couples sharing, as well. It's an 8-week class, so a few more to go. S and I have talked about how the class is refreshing the NVC concepts and principles in our minds, which positively affects our relationship in subtle ways. Overall, feeling grateful about it.
On the work front, I found a federally-funded career one-stop center (I recommend that those of you job searching check these out!) a short drive away and have decided this will be my "home base" for business work and job search activities when my roommate is home or I need to access their printing resources, etc. Yay! I completed the required equivalency application for the college district in which I'd like to work, and plan to submit another application today.
With my own business, I'm enjoying working with my clients and organically discovering various business systems to make things easier, such as a scheduling system, a note-tracking system, and a client contract template. My clients are generally awesome and fun to work with. And on the heels of last months poorly attended Meetup - one person! - last night I had four women attend and all of them signed up for free half-hour career consultations! Please send good thoughts that a couple of these lead to them becoming new clients.
Thank you so much for your kind wishes about S's surgery; they are really appreciated. We have plans for a lovely and scrumptious Valentine's Day dinner at an amazing restaurant, where we went a couple years ago for S's birthday. So looking forward to it! We decided we needed a romantic and fun night out after all the recent challenges.
Hope your Valentine's Day is full of love; be it romantic or with close friends and family.
In other news, S had a bump in the road with his surgery recovery. His largest laparoscopic wound (not sure what to call it) got infected and broke open. He had to go back into the hospital for a couple days. It understandably freaked him out as it happened in the middle of the night and he had to call an ambulance to take him in. He's doing okay now so, fingers crossed, recovery will go as planned from here on out.
We have our couples NVC class this evening. There are only two couples in the class, which creates an almost uncomfortable intimacy between all of us in the small meeting room. We are being asked to share a lot of vulnerable feelings and experiences around our relationship communication, which is good and leading to some insights, but I admit I wish there one more couple at least. We learn from other couples sharing, as well. It's an 8-week class, so a few more to go. S and I have talked about how the class is refreshing the NVC concepts and principles in our minds, which positively affects our relationship in subtle ways. Overall, feeling grateful about it.
On the work front, I found a federally-funded career one-stop center (I recommend that those of you job searching check these out!) a short drive away and have decided this will be my "home base" for business work and job search activities when my roommate is home or I need to access their printing resources, etc. Yay! I completed the required equivalency application for the college district in which I'd like to work, and plan to submit another application today.
With my own business, I'm enjoying working with my clients and organically discovering various business systems to make things easier, such as a scheduling system, a note-tracking system, and a client contract template. My clients are generally awesome and fun to work with. And on the heels of last months poorly attended Meetup - one person! - last night I had four women attend and all of them signed up for free half-hour career consultations! Please send good thoughts that a couple of these lead to them becoming new clients.
Thank you so much for your kind wishes about S's surgery; they are really appreciated. We have plans for a lovely and scrumptious Valentine's Day dinner at an amazing restaurant, where we went a couple years ago for S's birthday. So looking forward to it! We decided we needed a romantic and fun night out after all the recent challenges.
Hope your Valentine's Day is full of love; be it romantic or with close friends and family.
1/30/2016
We Made it to the Other Side of Surgery!
We successfully made it through S's colon cancer surgery! Yay!
From what the doctor said, everything went well, and the part of the colon he removed had "clean edges," which means cancer free to the eye (his chemo and radiation did it's job). S still has to have a final round of chemo beginning in a few weeks, so that any microscopic cancer cells are destroyed and chances of recurrence go way down. The surgery lasted a couple hours longer than initially planned, and the doctor told me it was because he is carrying extra weight so it took longer to create the ileostomy. This is a health issue S said he plans to address going forward, fingers crossed.
I may not have mentioned that S has to have a temporary ileostomy for six months. It would normally be 9 weeks but he has to recover from this surgery, undergo chemo, then recover from chemo, then have the ileostomy reversal surgery. So, yeah, it is a lot of treatment and recovery, but it should be completed by summer, thank God.
I had a moment of feeling really overwhelmed and questioning whether I could handle going through this with S considering our level of commitment... my thoughts were that this is the kind of thing where you would automatically jump into supporting your spouse if you were married, but S and I are not married and were even having some bumps in our relationship a month or two ago. For one thing, I want to pursue having or adopting a child and S was uncertain how he felt about that.
But in the days prior to the surgery, we talked about these issues and worked through them. S still isn't as excited as I am about having a child - for him, another child - and admitted he had been hoping I might let that dream go (really? after all I've been through and all you know about me? grr), but I said that I needed him to be supportive and to make the situation "better" with him there than "worse." I said I knew it couldn't be his focus with so much on his plate but that I potentially wanted to move forward within this six month time frame of his treatment/recovery and needed to know he would be supportive. I'm happy to say, he agreed. *As a caviat, I want to say that moving forward would assume that I either nailed down another "for sure" college counseling job or my business took off in a way that would provide a consistent, livable income.
Also, I was able to wrap my brain around the six months (!) of treatment and what that entailed and, though we didn't say specifically we intended to get engaged/married, we did broach the subject. He indicated he valued me bringing it up and wanted to talk again in the near future. Yes, a lot has gone down in the last few weeks!
S gets out of the hospital today, and I will pick him up and take him home to his house. His daughter is arriving today from the DC and intends to stay with him tonight, so I will probably go home later and give them time. I admit I'm nervous about that, though, since she would be staying in a separate room downstairs and what if, God forbid, something came up where he couldn't call out to her. We will see how things unfold.
I will post more on other life happenings soon. Hope your year is starting well and less dramatically!
From what the doctor said, everything went well, and the part of the colon he removed had "clean edges," which means cancer free to the eye (his chemo and radiation did it's job). S still has to have a final round of chemo beginning in a few weeks, so that any microscopic cancer cells are destroyed and chances of recurrence go way down. The surgery lasted a couple hours longer than initially planned, and the doctor told me it was because he is carrying extra weight so it took longer to create the ileostomy. This is a health issue S said he plans to address going forward, fingers crossed.
I may not have mentioned that S has to have a temporary ileostomy for six months. It would normally be 9 weeks but he has to recover from this surgery, undergo chemo, then recover from chemo, then have the ileostomy reversal surgery. So, yeah, it is a lot of treatment and recovery, but it should be completed by summer, thank God.
I had a moment of feeling really overwhelmed and questioning whether I could handle going through this with S considering our level of commitment... my thoughts were that this is the kind of thing where you would automatically jump into supporting your spouse if you were married, but S and I are not married and were even having some bumps in our relationship a month or two ago. For one thing, I want to pursue having or adopting a child and S was uncertain how he felt about that.
But in the days prior to the surgery, we talked about these issues and worked through them. S still isn't as excited as I am about having a child - for him, another child - and admitted he had been hoping I might let that dream go (really? after all I've been through and all you know about me? grr), but I said that I needed him to be supportive and to make the situation "better" with him there than "worse." I said I knew it couldn't be his focus with so much on his plate but that I potentially wanted to move forward within this six month time frame of his treatment/recovery and needed to know he would be supportive. I'm happy to say, he agreed. *As a caviat, I want to say that moving forward would assume that I either nailed down another "for sure" college counseling job or my business took off in a way that would provide a consistent, livable income.
Also, I was able to wrap my brain around the six months (!) of treatment and what that entailed and, though we didn't say specifically we intended to get engaged/married, we did broach the subject. He indicated he valued me bringing it up and wanted to talk again in the near future. Yes, a lot has gone down in the last few weeks!
S gets out of the hospital today, and I will pick him up and take him home to his house. His daughter is arriving today from the DC and intends to stay with him tonight, so I will probably go home later and give them time. I admit I'm nervous about that, though, since she would be staying in a separate room downstairs and what if, God forbid, something came up where he couldn't call out to her. We will see how things unfold.
I will post more on other life happenings soon. Hope your year is starting well and less dramatically!
1/10/2016
Happy New Year 2016!
Checking in post holiday madness... It feels like we have turned the corner into the new year and all the possibilities it holds. Our family trip to Oregon was good overall, all things considered. Highlights included:
- Seeing my nieces and nephew of course! They are getting bigger and are so very, very cute. I took the older two out for ice cream with S one night, which was fun. My oldest niece, J, is totally into reading books now, just like I was at her age! I gave her a big book of horse stories that had once been mine, which she seemed excited about.
- We went to the coast with my brother, sister-in-law, and two littlest nieces one day, and I ran from the waves on the beach with the three-year-old, like my Dad used to do with me. The baby (10-months now) is getting cuter all the time and still has a mellow personality, like my brother - a nice contrast to her big sister who is super active and feisty. :)
- S and I worked out every day at the family athletic club during the last few days there. We had a dog-friendly hotel room in walking distance from downtown, which worked out really well. When we got back, we joined a small workout gym down the street from my house and are both looking forward to continuing our efforts to increase fitness.
- As expected, we all felt some sadness on Christmas missing my Mom. I had a good cry at the end of the day and lit a candle in her memory. Her birthday was yesterday, as well, and we all raised a virtual glass of wine in her honor.
- My Dad and Aunt, who are now very officially an item, were still in their "new romance" mode, which can be annoying as he is then not fully present to what's going on. We all - except for my sister's family who took a short family trip - attended the NYE party at the athletic club (which was just "okay" but had fun dancing with S) and my brother was annoyed that Dad and my Aunt were kissing on the dance floor at the end of the night. :-/ That said, S and I did have a nice goodbye breakfast with them the day we drove back. Apparently, there are plans being made for her to move to Oregon.
- Relationship-wise, S and I got along "okay," which is actually a big step up, if you can recall previous trips. Sorry for TMI, but I was on my cycle during the first half of the trip and then S had a stomach bug the last half, so we didn't have much "romance," but were able to live together in a very small hotel room for twice the time we normally stay, have fun, and work through disagreements fairly well and quickly when they came up. Ironically, at the very end of the trip, we had our worst fight about the way I talked to him when I told him to stop removing the lights on a fake Xmas tree we were readying to return to my sister. I felt justified telling him to stop because I had asked him not to take them off in the first place. He thought he was doing the safe thing, and also felt I was being controlling and should let this small thing go. So the first part of our drive was stressful but then I had a cry, which in hindsight was likely releasing emotions from the family trip as much as being about our argument, and we talked it through.
Work-wise, my routine has changed a lot, though, in that, as mentioned, I'm not at the college this semester (except for a few days week after next). I caught a flu last week, though, so have only had a few days of health. I have one more client now, bringing the total to six and hope to gain two more by the end of this month. Please send me good wishes! I sent out a mass holiday letter and will be following up with past and potential clients/referral partners by phone starting next week. I also have another career transition meet-up group next Wednesday evening with six people signed up so far. At these monthly meet-ups, I will continue to sign folks up for free consultations and hope to gain another client or two each time. I'm also in the process of developing a newsletter and other social media ideas so that will help with outreach, as well.
I also have two more applications to submit for local counseling jobs. I have started receiving unemployment, which should help me get through the next two-three months. I wish I could know where the chips will fall on the job front. I'm not sure whether I would prefer to just rely on my business or whether I would like to find another part-time college counseling gig and continue that in addition to working with 8-10 clients. In a way, working at the college two days a week would be ideal right now because I just show up and leave, without taking work home. With my clients, I need to track each of their progress and do a lot of outside research and communication. I have adjusted to having six clients but 10-15 will definitely be another level of adjustment. I enjoy the outside work with clients more, however.
Completely relying on individual client load, it seems at my current fee structure, I would need 15+ clients. I'm still figuring it all out, and I feel like there are parts of this puzzle that are out of my hands. I suppose I am just going to continue to take the next steps in both applying for jobs and building my business until things become more clear.
12/22/2015
Lots Happening Over Here
Much has happened this last week...
S and I were denied on our co-housing bid! On very short notice, we heard of this co-housing development, toured the construction at an open house, and put our hats in the ring. Honestly, it was an awkward and challenging process, and S and I learned as much about each other and working as team as we did about the community and their requirements and opportunities. The super enticing part of this co-housing development for me was - well, of course living in co-housing, in which you have your own separate unit, as well as share a large common kitchen, common space, and community meals and activities - but also that we could buy in at 2% and work our way up to 5-10% ownership in the LLC. For S and I, who don't have huge savings, this was an exciting avenue for ownership and increased security.
But it was not to be... I found the four people who were current members and "in charge" of the process to be woefully inadequate at group facilitation, as well as just generally not very warm and welcoming. To make it worse, the head guy who started the project and secured the financing, thought he was a *great* facilitator and just generally had a very high opinion of himself.
Additional factors included S and I having a couple of drinks at an event before the first group meeting and S talking a bit too much (which could easily have been managed by a skilled facilitator). It wasn't some drunken tirade or anything, just a little too verbose, which the head guy actually brought up to him at a separate meeting with us (!) and S responded non-defensively and positively. Also, they wanted people of color, as all four of them are white and they want to represent the diversity of the neighborhood. This is positive but also difficult, as the starting group is not diverse.
In any case, I think it's for the best it didn't work out and am hopeful we will find a better situation for us. Part of moving forward with that is clarifying what type of place we want and where we want to be located... complicated by the fact that I may find a part or full-time counseling job in a number of cities in the B@y Area. My business is growing, but I am not yet ready to completely rely on it financially. Overall, an exciting planning process, actually! But some stress, too.
Also, since I mentioned my birthday in the last post, I wanted to share that it was a great day and night! Mani-Pedi was lovely and relaxing, I did a bit of Xmas shopping, as well, and then met S for appetizers and drinks at a fun and surprisingly tasty upscale vegan restaurant, then moved down the street to another cozy restaurant with a lovely ambiance and waitstaff for dinner. Chocolate Pot for dessert - yummm.
I am doing very well with Christmas preparations for Oregon but suddenly here we are - leaving tomorrow morning! Ack! I still have some shopping to do, Zoey needs a bath, and I need to pack! What I have done is make banana bread and cookies, do all the laundry, including Zoey's, and do much of the shopping. So. many. people. to shop for, and I'm once again thinking longingly of the families that pick one person out of a hat or just buy presents for the kids. Ah well, it will be nice on Christmas. Speaking of which, I better get going on my long list for today! I hope you have a wonderful Christmas! I will check in again from Oregon...
p.s. S seems to have wrapped his head around being a Dad and a Grandpa (his young daughter - early 20s - had a baby this year), and we have been talking about possibilities... Of course, we need to get through the next phase of his treatment.
S and I were denied on our co-housing bid! On very short notice, we heard of this co-housing development, toured the construction at an open house, and put our hats in the ring. Honestly, it was an awkward and challenging process, and S and I learned as much about each other and working as team as we did about the community and their requirements and opportunities. The super enticing part of this co-housing development for me was - well, of course living in co-housing, in which you have your own separate unit, as well as share a large common kitchen, common space, and community meals and activities - but also that we could buy in at 2% and work our way up to 5-10% ownership in the LLC. For S and I, who don't have huge savings, this was an exciting avenue for ownership and increased security.
But it was not to be... I found the four people who were current members and "in charge" of the process to be woefully inadequate at group facilitation, as well as just generally not very warm and welcoming. To make it worse, the head guy who started the project and secured the financing, thought he was a *great* facilitator and just generally had a very high opinion of himself.
Additional factors included S and I having a couple of drinks at an event before the first group meeting and S talking a bit too much (which could easily have been managed by a skilled facilitator). It wasn't some drunken tirade or anything, just a little too verbose, which the head guy actually brought up to him at a separate meeting with us (!) and S responded non-defensively and positively. Also, they wanted people of color, as all four of them are white and they want to represent the diversity of the neighborhood. This is positive but also difficult, as the starting group is not diverse.
In any case, I think it's for the best it didn't work out and am hopeful we will find a better situation for us. Part of moving forward with that is clarifying what type of place we want and where we want to be located... complicated by the fact that I may find a part or full-time counseling job in a number of cities in the B@y Area. My business is growing, but I am not yet ready to completely rely on it financially. Overall, an exciting planning process, actually! But some stress, too.
Also, since I mentioned my birthday in the last post, I wanted to share that it was a great day and night! Mani-Pedi was lovely and relaxing, I did a bit of Xmas shopping, as well, and then met S for appetizers and drinks at a fun and surprisingly tasty upscale vegan restaurant, then moved down the street to another cozy restaurant with a lovely ambiance and waitstaff for dinner. Chocolate Pot for dessert - yummm.
I am doing very well with Christmas preparations for Oregon but suddenly here we are - leaving tomorrow morning! Ack! I still have some shopping to do, Zoey needs a bath, and I need to pack! What I have done is make banana bread and cookies, do all the laundry, including Zoey's, and do much of the shopping. So. many. people. to shop for, and I'm once again thinking longingly of the families that pick one person out of a hat or just buy presents for the kids. Ah well, it will be nice on Christmas. Speaking of which, I better get going on my long list for today! I hope you have a wonderful Christmas! I will check in again from Oregon...
p.s. S seems to have wrapped his head around being a Dad and a Grandpa (his young daughter - early 20s - had a baby this year), and we have been talking about possibilities... Of course, we need to get through the next phase of his treatment.
12/13/2015
Holiday Hustle
December is clipping along... I can't believe my birthday is next week. I made my Christmas shopping list for family, though on reflection, I should probably lower the budget, as my income is uncertain starting in late January. I will get one more full paycheck from the college on January 10th, then will be working a four-day counseling gig in mid-January as part of a math support intersession program. I also will begin receiving unemployment in January, though it will obviously be much less than my regular paycheck.
Good news on the business front: I now have five clients! Yay! I just signed another one on Friday for a two month package. My goal is to increase that number to 10 in the next two months; wish me luck!
I still need to figure out how to plan for dramatic monthly income variations, due to some clients paying for counseling packages up front, then not paying anything for the next couple of months. I imagine part of strategy for managing this is figuring out your average monthly income, then budgeting for that amount. But I also want to have a way to calculate the necessary rate of new clients I need to sign each month to maintain my desired level of income. I can see that will vary depending on whether I am signing clients for four sessions, six, or eight. If I have 10 clients, theoretically I am bringing in 2200+ a month, but most clients thus far are not paying monthly. I'd actually prefer they pay monthly, as I think it through, though of course it's exciting and fun to get large payment sums up front (at least for me who is still new at this). For now, I think I will aim for the number 10 and seek to maintain it. Does this make sense to you business-minded folks out there?
In "holiday event" news, S and I went out to my pre-birthday dinner last night and then to a beautiful and inspiring men's choir concert. S knows one of the choir members from work, and he had a solo, which was fun. The music spanned continents, cultures, and centuries, and many of the songs were in different languages. I found this interesting because when you don't know the words, you appreciate the musicality of the song, aside from meaning - a different perspective for word-oriented folks like me. S liked the Latin songs, and I did, too, but I also enjoyed the German songs. Part of the concert was a sing-a-long with traditional Chr1stmas songs, so we were given a fun chance to do some caroling. The restaurant was okay... took forever to seat us and the atmosphere was loud, but the Spanish tapas food was super yummy.
Lots more events this week: Repub debate on Tuesday with kids xmas shopping beforehand (S is very political and likes to watch all the debates, even though he's a dem, and we like watching them at this cool local theatre with food and drink); my official bday on Wednesday, for which we're meeting for happy hour drinks and appetizers, one of my favorite things to do; and finally S's holiday work party on Thursday at what looks to be quite a nice location in downtown SF. Monday, I have an alternative networking event with a more conscious bent to it... I generally dislike networking events but I'm giving this one a chance and am attending with two friends from my business program. I hope my Introvert can survive all the socializing! ha
My saving grace will be having daytime off on Monday and Wednesday, so I can get some down time. I'm going to get an inexpensive pedicure on Wednesday for my birthday, which will be a nice pampering experience; plus, my shoes for Thursday are open-toes and no one wants to see my feet, as they are!
I hope you are enjoying the holiday festivities and finding down times to rest and escape the hustle and bustle.
Good news on the business front: I now have five clients! Yay! I just signed another one on Friday for a two month package. My goal is to increase that number to 10 in the next two months; wish me luck!
I still need to figure out how to plan for dramatic monthly income variations, due to some clients paying for counseling packages up front, then not paying anything for the next couple of months. I imagine part of strategy for managing this is figuring out your average monthly income, then budgeting for that amount. But I also want to have a way to calculate the necessary rate of new clients I need to sign each month to maintain my desired level of income. I can see that will vary depending on whether I am signing clients for four sessions, six, or eight. If I have 10 clients, theoretically I am bringing in 2200+ a month, but most clients thus far are not paying monthly. I'd actually prefer they pay monthly, as I think it through, though of course it's exciting and fun to get large payment sums up front (at least for me who is still new at this). For now, I think I will aim for the number 10 and seek to maintain it. Does this make sense to you business-minded folks out there?
In "holiday event" news, S and I went out to my pre-birthday dinner last night and then to a beautiful and inspiring men's choir concert. S knows one of the choir members from work, and he had a solo, which was fun. The music spanned continents, cultures, and centuries, and many of the songs were in different languages. I found this interesting because when you don't know the words, you appreciate the musicality of the song, aside from meaning - a different perspective for word-oriented folks like me. S liked the Latin songs, and I did, too, but I also enjoyed the German songs. Part of the concert was a sing-a-long with traditional Chr1stmas songs, so we were given a fun chance to do some caroling. The restaurant was okay... took forever to seat us and the atmosphere was loud, but the Spanish tapas food was super yummy.
Lots more events this week: Repub debate on Tuesday with kids xmas shopping beforehand (S is very political and likes to watch all the debates, even though he's a dem, and we like watching them at this cool local theatre with food and drink); my official bday on Wednesday, for which we're meeting for happy hour drinks and appetizers, one of my favorite things to do; and finally S's holiday work party on Thursday at what looks to be quite a nice location in downtown SF. Monday, I have an alternative networking event with a more conscious bent to it... I generally dislike networking events but I'm giving this one a chance and am attending with two friends from my business program. I hope my Introvert can survive all the socializing! ha
My saving grace will be having daytime off on Monday and Wednesday, so I can get some down time. I'm going to get an inexpensive pedicure on Wednesday for my birthday, which will be a nice pampering experience; plus, my shoes for Thursday are open-toes and no one wants to see my feet, as they are!
I hope you are enjoying the holiday festivities and finding down times to rest and escape the hustle and bustle.
12/07/2015
Finances, Fellowship, and Festivity
First of all, I'm happy to report that I am getting some traction with my business! I had my first month of bringing in over $1000 (around $1500) and sold my first 6-session career counseling package. I admit I did the happy dance on that one. If you're willing, please send positive thoughts to keep the flow going.
Then yesterday, S offered to contribute his marketing expertise to help me generate more leads through social media, blog posts, and newsletters. He wants to create a business providing these services to clients, so I am his guinea pig. It's a definite win-win!
In other financial news - hope this isn't too boring - I spoke with my financial advisor friend yesterday, and she is setting me up to manage my money on Quicken, which also has reporting features to help with planning and decision making around how many clients I need to maintain and bring in per month for relative financial stability. This is all new and I'm so grateful for the support.
I still plan to apply to any open part-time counseling positions I find, as well. In fact, I have a lead for the college in Napa where my friend and former colleague works, which I will apply for today.
On the relationship front, S and I did some shopping over the weekend, and he bought me an early birthday present of a fancy, sequined dress and matching sparkly shoes for two upcoming parties: his work Christmas party next week and the NYE party at my family's athletic club in Oregon. We also bought him a very nice lavender dress shirt to wear. I'm excited to attend his work party, as work is an area he has compartmentalized during all of our previous time together. I have never met his co-workers or attended any work functions and am looking forward to seeing that side of him.
We also had a counseling appointment over a week ago, shortly after Thanksgiving. It went okay, though we didn't yet create agreements for how we will handle communication when one or both of us are triggered and tension starts to escalate. I made sure to request that be forefront on the agenda for our next meeting. We did, however, have a vulnerable exchange in which I said I didn't want our relationship to be threatened by these type of conflicts. I want our commitment to be stronger than that, and a bit later (I felt very vulnerable in the meanwhile!), he said he wanted that, too.
Then, last night, after a little bickering where I felt criticized and unwanted, he reassured me that he wants me, that despite things he might prefer were different, he loves me and specifically wants "me." I'm not sure if this is coming across very clearly, but it was a significant moment. He has hesitated in reassuring me during these moments in the past.
Oh, and we bought and decorated a little Christmas tree last Thursday. It's so cute and festive and is bringing good cheer during this darker, colder month of December. S is coming over tonight, so we will have the chance to enjoy it more together. :)
Then yesterday, S offered to contribute his marketing expertise to help me generate more leads through social media, blog posts, and newsletters. He wants to create a business providing these services to clients, so I am his guinea pig. It's a definite win-win!
In other financial news - hope this isn't too boring - I spoke with my financial advisor friend yesterday, and she is setting me up to manage my money on Quicken, which also has reporting features to help with planning and decision making around how many clients I need to maintain and bring in per month for relative financial stability. This is all new and I'm so grateful for the support.
I still plan to apply to any open part-time counseling positions I find, as well. In fact, I have a lead for the college in Napa where my friend and former colleague works, which I will apply for today.
On the relationship front, S and I did some shopping over the weekend, and he bought me an early birthday present of a fancy, sequined dress and matching sparkly shoes for two upcoming parties: his work Christmas party next week and the NYE party at my family's athletic club in Oregon. We also bought him a very nice lavender dress shirt to wear. I'm excited to attend his work party, as work is an area he has compartmentalized during all of our previous time together. I have never met his co-workers or attended any work functions and am looking forward to seeing that side of him.
We also had a counseling appointment over a week ago, shortly after Thanksgiving. It went okay, though we didn't yet create agreements for how we will handle communication when one or both of us are triggered and tension starts to escalate. I made sure to request that be forefront on the agenda for our next meeting. We did, however, have a vulnerable exchange in which I said I didn't want our relationship to be threatened by these type of conflicts. I want our commitment to be stronger than that, and a bit later (I felt very vulnerable in the meanwhile!), he said he wanted that, too.
Then, last night, after a little bickering where I felt criticized and unwanted, he reassured me that he wants me, that despite things he might prefer were different, he loves me and specifically wants "me." I'm not sure if this is coming across very clearly, but it was a significant moment. He has hesitated in reassuring me during these moments in the past.
Oh, and we bought and decorated a little Christmas tree last Thursday. It's so cute and festive and is bringing good cheer during this darker, colder month of December. S is coming over tonight, so we will have the chance to enjoy it more together. :)
11/30/2015
Start... and Stop
So. As you guys know, I am not currently ttc, and the possibility of ever doing that again in a realistic way is uncertain. At my age, the way that would look would involve donor eggs. Right now, the priority is S getting through treatment and recovering from his illness. He is done with the first round and surgery will likely be at the end of January or beginning of February. It will be nice to have a respite over the holidays.
Despite all this, and somewhat remarkably I think, during the last couple months, we have been sexually active and consciously not preventing any sort of miraculous conception that might have an ever so slight chance of occurring. Basically, both of us would be happy if this miracle should transpire. This last cycle, I feel something happened along those lines and then stopped. Here are the main signs below... what do you think?
1. The main sign was light spotting and cramping at around 8 dpo for just a half a day or so, which then totally stopped.
2. I was unusually moody for a significantly longer and more intense period.
3. I experienced sinus headaches the days prior and then a huge tension headache on Thanksgiving, along with slight nausea.
4. My period came in really weird with light spotting and no cramping after sex, which then totally stopped for another day before my period slowly began.
I know how low the odds are, but part of me still can't help hoping. And I am giving that part of me a little bit of room to have fun, but this month I got a little too attached and was bummed when it ended. :-(
Despite all this, and somewhat remarkably I think, during the last couple months, we have been sexually active and consciously not preventing any sort of miraculous conception that might have an ever so slight chance of occurring. Basically, both of us would be happy if this miracle should transpire. This last cycle, I feel something happened along those lines and then stopped. Here are the main signs below... what do you think?
1. The main sign was light spotting and cramping at around 8 dpo for just a half a day or so, which then totally stopped.
2. I was unusually moody for a significantly longer and more intense period.
3. I experienced sinus headaches the days prior and then a huge tension headache on Thanksgiving, along with slight nausea.
4. My period came in really weird with light spotting and no cramping after sex, which then totally stopped for another day before my period slowly began.
I know how low the odds are, but part of me still can't help hoping. And I am giving that part of me a little bit of room to have fun, but this month I got a little too attached and was bummed when it ended. :-(
11/22/2015
The Debbie Downer Report with a dash of hope
Quick request for regular readers - if you're willing, will you become a member of my blog? :) My number has been stuck at 29 for ages... Thank you!
This post will mainly be a downer report of recent events but also include some excitement and hope for the future.
First downer event: I was informed on Thursday that I will not receive counseling assignments at my college for Spring semester. WTF?! Complete shock and awe. Commence disbelief, questioning, hurt, and tears. Talked it over with a couple of other part-time counselors, and they were in shock, as well. In retrospect, I think there was a policy change that initiated at the beginning of this semester. The only clues about this change were part-timers not being inviting to the annual retreat and there being a couple of meetings to which part-timers were not invited. Just prior to learning about this development, I realized that our important orientation/education planning classes were only assigned to full-timers for the Spring, and all the other classes were only assigned to full-timers, as well.
I have worked at the college for several years and increased my responsibility over that time. When CTE counseling was shut down two and half years ago, I was really concerned about my job, but since then, I've worked hard to integrate into general counseling and feel proud of my efforts to serve students and teach several college success and orientation courses. I *never* have empty appointments, and my understanding was that we need more counselors, not less. To my knowledge, I have made no big mistakes or pissed any key people off. So WTF?! Again, my only guess is that it's policy regarding part-time/full-time that I don't fully understand yet, and something with the budget (errors in planning made at a higher level).
Since finding out this news, I have basically come to terms with the reality of what this means and have shifted into coping with it and planning how to replace that income - at least to the extent that I can get by - for Spring. Two hopeful possibilities in this regard: an interview for a full-time position at another local college on December first. I think I have shared how much competition there is for these positions but fingers crossed. The other possibility, which is the one I would prefer, is signing on several new clients. I have already signed on two more, for a total of three. I would like to find four or five more in the next two months. Will you envision that for me?
Positive actions so far include hosting a great career transition Meetup group last Tuesday during which four women signed up for consultations! I am realizing I need to actually get them in the calendar if at all possible before leaving because now we are playing tag to set them up. But signing one or two clients from that group would be wonderful! I am also following up with close friends and colleagues to generate more referrals, which is the best source of potential clients. Lastly, I am taking steps to increase my online presence and find opportunities to speak to introverts who are seeking meaningful career change and want to make a difference doing work that feels like play.
I have support through my business program, which is great. If you or someone you know needs career counseling support, will you please let me know in the comments or by sending a message? You can also contact me through my website (and receive a free gift of a Career Clarity Questionnaire) on my website at www.helpnavigatingtransitions.com And all good thoughts very welcome. This could be the shove I need to expand my business...
The other downer news is that I was late to the adoption orientation and they had locked the doors and were turning people away. I was sad and disappointed, but I also see that the timing was likely not right for me. My intention is to attend the orientation in December, knowing that once I start the process it will likely be a minimum of several months before I complete the home study and am offered a placement.
Okay, I'm going to end on the excitement and hope! I'm excited to go to S's dad's house for Thanksgiving this week. We are staying in a dog-friendly hotel that night, and I'm looking forward to time away. Also, though it's more in the future, I continue to look forward to Christmas in Oregon. And in the weeks before that, I will also celebrate my birthday and attend S's company Christmas party, which will be festive and fun! S is buying me a special dress for my birthday, and we plan to shop for our niece and nephew's gifts together.
Finally, though S and I have had some difficult conversations lately and our old dynamic has reared it's head, we have also managed to talk through it so far and experience a new level of intimacy. We will be meeting with our counselor next weekend for help with healing more of our underlying "stuff" around this dynamic and developing communication agreements for when it comes up. I am feeling hopeful!
This post will mainly be a downer report of recent events but also include some excitement and hope for the future.
First downer event: I was informed on Thursday that I will not receive counseling assignments at my college for Spring semester. WTF?! Complete shock and awe. Commence disbelief, questioning, hurt, and tears. Talked it over with a couple of other part-time counselors, and they were in shock, as well. In retrospect, I think there was a policy change that initiated at the beginning of this semester. The only clues about this change were part-timers not being inviting to the annual retreat and there being a couple of meetings to which part-timers were not invited. Just prior to learning about this development, I realized that our important orientation/education planning classes were only assigned to full-timers for the Spring, and all the other classes were only assigned to full-timers, as well.
I have worked at the college for several years and increased my responsibility over that time. When CTE counseling was shut down two and half years ago, I was really concerned about my job, but since then, I've worked hard to integrate into general counseling and feel proud of my efforts to serve students and teach several college success and orientation courses. I *never* have empty appointments, and my understanding was that we need more counselors, not less. To my knowledge, I have made no big mistakes or pissed any key people off. So WTF?! Again, my only guess is that it's policy regarding part-time/full-time that I don't fully understand yet, and something with the budget (errors in planning made at a higher level).
Since finding out this news, I have basically come to terms with the reality of what this means and have shifted into coping with it and planning how to replace that income - at least to the extent that I can get by - for Spring. Two hopeful possibilities in this regard: an interview for a full-time position at another local college on December first. I think I have shared how much competition there is for these positions but fingers crossed. The other possibility, which is the one I would prefer, is signing on several new clients. I have already signed on two more, for a total of three. I would like to find four or five more in the next two months. Will you envision that for me?
Positive actions so far include hosting a great career transition Meetup group last Tuesday during which four women signed up for consultations! I am realizing I need to actually get them in the calendar if at all possible before leaving because now we are playing tag to set them up. But signing one or two clients from that group would be wonderful! I am also following up with close friends and colleagues to generate more referrals, which is the best source of potential clients. Lastly, I am taking steps to increase my online presence and find opportunities to speak to introverts who are seeking meaningful career change and want to make a difference doing work that feels like play.
I have support through my business program, which is great. If you or someone you know needs career counseling support, will you please let me know in the comments or by sending a message? You can also contact me through my website (and receive a free gift of a Career Clarity Questionnaire) on my website at www.helpnavigatingtransitions.com And all good thoughts very welcome. This could be the shove I need to expand my business...
The other downer news is that I was late to the adoption orientation and they had locked the doors and were turning people away. I was sad and disappointed, but I also see that the timing was likely not right for me. My intention is to attend the orientation in December, knowing that once I start the process it will likely be a minimum of several months before I complete the home study and am offered a placement.
Okay, I'm going to end on the excitement and hope! I'm excited to go to S's dad's house for Thanksgiving this week. We are staying in a dog-friendly hotel that night, and I'm looking forward to time away. Also, though it's more in the future, I continue to look forward to Christmas in Oregon. And in the weeks before that, I will also celebrate my birthday and attend S's company Christmas party, which will be festive and fun! S is buying me a special dress for my birthday, and we plan to shop for our niece and nephew's gifts together.
Finally, though S and I have had some difficult conversations lately and our old dynamic has reared it's head, we have also managed to talk through it so far and experience a new level of intimacy. We will be meeting with our counselor next weekend for help with healing more of our underlying "stuff" around this dynamic and developing communication agreements for when it comes up. I am feeling hopeful!
11/08/2015
WDYD and other happenings
Sorry if this post is all over the place... feeling like writing a blog post but not feeling very focused.
One topic I wanted to follow up on is how I articulate the type of clients I help and the problem I solve for them. Would you please let me know how this lands with you? When you read it, does it bring to mind specific people in your life?
You know how talented introverts who have outgrown their careers can distract and isolate themselves, actually hiding from the power of their greatest gifts?
Well, I help them recognize and focus these unique talents in a powerful career that feels like play and makes a huge difference in the world.
Any feedback welcome! :) I made myself go to a conscious networking event for women, and it wasn't awful - another business plus this week. Oh, and I got one more client!
In less positive news, my crazy housemate, M, has struck again. S stayed over and slept on the couch (because I have a single bed right now). M and I agreed on him staying over on nights she's not here. Unfortunately, I set an extra blanket on her couch for him to use in case he got cold and forgot to put it away the next morning. So of course, she assumed the worst as is her way and completely freaked out on me again, insisting someone had sat and slept on her couch. She called me a liar and a thief (I guess I am technically a thief as ONE time I borrowed a small amount of almond milk but in normal roommate situations this might be okay? Clearly not this one) and said I'm a bad dog owner and she should report me (!). This latter accusation is because I leave Zoey in her crate until 10am because I don't go to bed until midnight or one and she's out until then and goes for a last pee then. She sleeps soundly in her crate until I let her out. Anyway, M also called me a f-ing b-word again, as well.
This all feels so Jerry Springer, and I know I need to just not react but it's challenging when she's directly attacking me like that. I'm not sure there are any legal/material actions to take, other than perhaps talking to the landlord if it happens again. Since day-to-day it tends to be civil/tolerable, my current plan is still to wait until after the holidays and hope for a change - perhaps even helping her move if that makes a difference. Thanks for listening to me vent. It's stressful when these blow-ups happen and if I'd known what she was like, I would not have chosen to live with her. I guess that's the risk with moving in with people you don't know or that your friends don't know.
Speaking of the holidays (in a happier light), it looks like S and I will be traveling to Oregon for Christmas. Yay! I'm so excited. I can't wait to see the kids - and everyone else, too - and I think it will be good to be home on this first Christmas without my Mom. I'm sure it will be difficult at times, but I'm really glad I will be able to be there.
Okay, off to clean the house and do some shopping. S is coming up here for a mellow evening tonight, which will be nice.
One topic I wanted to follow up on is how I articulate the type of clients I help and the problem I solve for them. Would you please let me know how this lands with you? When you read it, does it bring to mind specific people in your life?
You know how talented introverts who have outgrown their careers can distract and isolate themselves, actually hiding from the power of their greatest gifts?
Well, I help them recognize and focus these unique talents in a powerful career that feels like play and makes a huge difference in the world.
Any feedback welcome! :) I made myself go to a conscious networking event for women, and it wasn't awful - another business plus this week. Oh, and I got one more client!
In less positive news, my crazy housemate, M, has struck again. S stayed over and slept on the couch (because I have a single bed right now). M and I agreed on him staying over on nights she's not here. Unfortunately, I set an extra blanket on her couch for him to use in case he got cold and forgot to put it away the next morning. So of course, she assumed the worst as is her way and completely freaked out on me again, insisting someone had sat and slept on her couch. She called me a liar and a thief (I guess I am technically a thief as ONE time I borrowed a small amount of almond milk but in normal roommate situations this might be okay? Clearly not this one) and said I'm a bad dog owner and she should report me (!). This latter accusation is because I leave Zoey in her crate until 10am because I don't go to bed until midnight or one and she's out until then and goes for a last pee then. She sleeps soundly in her crate until I let her out. Anyway, M also called me a f-ing b-word again, as well.
This all feels so Jerry Springer, and I know I need to just not react but it's challenging when she's directly attacking me like that. I'm not sure there are any legal/material actions to take, other than perhaps talking to the landlord if it happens again. Since day-to-day it tends to be civil/tolerable, my current plan is still to wait until after the holidays and hope for a change - perhaps even helping her move if that makes a difference. Thanks for listening to me vent. It's stressful when these blow-ups happen and if I'd known what she was like, I would not have chosen to live with her. I guess that's the risk with moving in with people you don't know or that your friends don't know.
Speaking of the holidays (in a happier light), it looks like S and I will be traveling to Oregon for Christmas. Yay! I'm so excited. I can't wait to see the kids - and everyone else, too - and I think it will be good to be home on this first Christmas without my Mom. I'm sure it will be difficult at times, but I'm really glad I will be able to be there.
Okay, off to clean the house and do some shopping. S is coming up here for a mellow evening tonight, which will be nice.
11/01/2015
Halloween 2015
We had fun handing out candy to the cute little - and not so little - kids in the neighborhood. *Side note - I don't quite get the point of taking a baby trick-or-treating to stranger's houses. I guess it's to show off the cute costume and thinking they might enjoy it? They can't eat the candy, right?* My favorite costume was this darling little girl, with calaca face paint somewhat similar to mine and a sparkly witch outfit with hat. It was so cute. I really think the Ninja Turtle costumes are cute on little kids, too. The older kids had some seriously creepy masks! lol Zoey adjusted after a while and didn't bark. She is so smart.
Then, S and I went out to get a drink and something to eat. We had some good talks, and he reached out and offered me care and sympathy at one point, which melted me into showing sadness and brought us closer. He realized he had unconsciously been pulling back some because he wasn't feeling well and that was how his family handled sickness. He said he would try and work against that impulse. He has two-and-a-half more weeks of treatment, then the holidays off and surgery likely at the end of January. He's tolerated treatment very well so far, but is starting to have a couple of uncomfortable side effects.
Good news on my cousin's husband: He made it through surgery well, and is awake and, though initially there was some paralysis in his left side, movement began returning. Also, he was interacting with his children. I am quite sure my cousin misspoke when she said he is having his entire frontal lobe removed. Maybe all of the tumor there. Anyway, I'm relieved that it seems he will have a much better quality of life than I initially thought.
10/30/2015
Rough Week
The day before Halloween... no big plans this year, except dressing Zoey in a taco costume (hehe), handing out some candy, and going out in our small downtown for a drink. This will likely take place with S, but honestly, we have had a bit of a rough week. We tried contacting our previous couple's counselor for support around communication in conflict, and some stuff came up about how S saw her over a year ago to deal with the anger that came up in his relationship at the time (which he shared with me and said was part of what made him work on it and realize how badly he had treated me those last couple months we were together).
That's not the issue, however. The issue is that apparently he tapped into a really vulnerable place, then abruptly ended his work with her and didn't show up for his next appointment. So, before she was willing to work with us again, she said she needed to see him individually a final time to have closure and talk about what happened to make him stop so suddenly. Initially, we both thought that was a little weird - like she wanted to work out her own feelings on his dime. But after talking to her a bit more, we both felt okay with it and an appointment was scheduled for yesterday.
Shortly after that, though, he had feelings come about something I said about a past lover. When I said it, we were both sharing in a lighthearted way, and after my share, he told me something about one of his exes, as well. So, it seemed like his jealousy pattern surfacing, which made me nervous. We talked about it but it wasn't completely resolved, then we had a difficult phone conversation where I wanted him to be more present and he was frustrated that, in his view, I was trying to script the conversation. He did have a point, but the way he spoke to me sucked. Instead of just saying what he thought, he started trying to make a case how no one he had been with before had ever acted like this and asking me if anyone I had known had done this, etc. Blech. You don't need to try and make me feel messed up to make your point. I already know I'm messed up! lol And so are you!
Anyway, I wish I/we could have had humor at that moment, but the call ended badly. He's been distant and unavailable the last couple days, now he says he's clear and wants to reconnect and talk tonight. But why should he get to call all the shots like that? Is this setting a precedent for his behavior? I am feeling the need more than ever for ground rules and accountability around communication, whatever that may look like. We were generally communicating really well until this week, so I did joke that contacting our past counselor unleashed something evil and unholy. Wish us luck.
In other news, through a lot of hard work and talking to several people in my business program, I made headway on defining the types of clients I want to work with through my career counseling business. I'm refining my wording and maybe I'll share the finished product in my next post. The idea is you want your ideal client to be crystal clear to people, so they can think of clients to refer you.
I'm still not sure when I'll be visiting Oregon, but I am missing them and especially my nieces and nephew. My sister sent an email this morning giving an update about our cousin's husband who is having brain surgery today; his second one in five years. She said he is having his entire frontal lobe removed. I'm wondering how he will function? I am sad and have been sending prayers all day for the best possible outcome. Makes you realize how precious life is, and I think that is making me want to see my family more.
That's not the issue, however. The issue is that apparently he tapped into a really vulnerable place, then abruptly ended his work with her and didn't show up for his next appointment. So, before she was willing to work with us again, she said she needed to see him individually a final time to have closure and talk about what happened to make him stop so suddenly. Initially, we both thought that was a little weird - like she wanted to work out her own feelings on his dime. But after talking to her a bit more, we both felt okay with it and an appointment was scheduled for yesterday.
Shortly after that, though, he had feelings come about something I said about a past lover. When I said it, we were both sharing in a lighthearted way, and after my share, he told me something about one of his exes, as well. So, it seemed like his jealousy pattern surfacing, which made me nervous. We talked about it but it wasn't completely resolved, then we had a difficult phone conversation where I wanted him to be more present and he was frustrated that, in his view, I was trying to script the conversation. He did have a point, but the way he spoke to me sucked. Instead of just saying what he thought, he started trying to make a case how no one he had been with before had ever acted like this and asking me if anyone I had known had done this, etc. Blech. You don't need to try and make me feel messed up to make your point. I already know I'm messed up! lol And so are you!
Anyway, I wish I/we could have had humor at that moment, but the call ended badly. He's been distant and unavailable the last couple days, now he says he's clear and wants to reconnect and talk tonight. But why should he get to call all the shots like that? Is this setting a precedent for his behavior? I am feeling the need more than ever for ground rules and accountability around communication, whatever that may look like. We were generally communicating really well until this week, so I did joke that contacting our past counselor unleashed something evil and unholy. Wish us luck.
In other news, through a lot of hard work and talking to several people in my business program, I made headway on defining the types of clients I want to work with through my career counseling business. I'm refining my wording and maybe I'll share the finished product in my next post. The idea is you want your ideal client to be crystal clear to people, so they can think of clients to refer you.
I'm still not sure when I'll be visiting Oregon, but I am missing them and especially my nieces and nephew. My sister sent an email this morning giving an update about our cousin's husband who is having brain surgery today; his second one in five years. She said he is having his entire frontal lobe removed. I'm wondering how he will function? I am sad and have been sending prayers all day for the best possible outcome. Makes you realize how precious life is, and I think that is making me want to see my family more.
10/19/2015
Gaining Momentum
I am recovering from my three-day business marketing workshop intensive this weekend. Whew! All the information coming into my brain plus hugs and high fives and pairs activities, plus networking on breaks and lunch equals a LOT of energy drainage for an introvert. I like the group and am excited to "get back on the train" as they say, and start connecting with possible clients again and being of service to men or women seeking a career transition to more meaningful work, aligned with their energy and personality. My goal is to give 10 free career clarity consultations in the next month. If you or someone you know might benefit from a 30-minute phone consultation looking at where you are now and where you want to be, and receiving key resources to help you get there, let me know. No pressure or expectation to sign up for career counseling.
My event was about an hour and a half south, so Friday night, I stayed at S's house, which is much closer to the location. That was nice. It was my first time staying at his place. I met his two roommates - an older woman and man, both single. They were nice and the place is okay; better than I thought is would be from what S said. The woman is a bit of a clutter collector but it's generally clean and his room and bathroom are nice enough. Makes a huge difference for me to try and sleep in a Queen bed versus single with him. At my house, one of us, me so far this time around, has always ended up on the couch. But this weekend, he is bringing a queen-size bed he owns out of storage and transporting it to my house. It has a wood frame, which sounds nice, and it should work much better.
On the family front, my adoption orientation is coming up on Tuesday, November 10th, and I look forward to getting the ball rolling again. I imagine my next steps will be filling out more paperwork and connecting with a caseworker and setting up a meeting. On a parallel track, I am talking to a friend of mine about tools to better manage my finances and save some money. I might be able to get by with very little savings (other than retirement savings through my employer, which I pay into monthly) on my own, but not with a child. I need to step it up and either earn more in the next few months or tighten my belt, or both.
That's all for now... Wishing you a Happy Autumn!
My event was about an hour and a half south, so Friday night, I stayed at S's house, which is much closer to the location. That was nice. It was my first time staying at his place. I met his two roommates - an older woman and man, both single. They were nice and the place is okay; better than I thought is would be from what S said. The woman is a bit of a clutter collector but it's generally clean and his room and bathroom are nice enough. Makes a huge difference for me to try and sleep in a Queen bed versus single with him. At my house, one of us, me so far this time around, has always ended up on the couch. But this weekend, he is bringing a queen-size bed he owns out of storage and transporting it to my house. It has a wood frame, which sounds nice, and it should work much better.
On the family front, my adoption orientation is coming up on Tuesday, November 10th, and I look forward to getting the ball rolling again. I imagine my next steps will be filling out more paperwork and connecting with a caseworker and setting up a meeting. On a parallel track, I am talking to a friend of mine about tools to better manage my finances and save some money. I might be able to get by with very little savings (other than retirement savings through my employer, which I pay into monthly) on my own, but not with a child. I need to step it up and either earn more in the next few months or tighten my belt, or both.
That's all for now... Wishing you a Happy Autumn!
9/28/2015
Moving Forward in Fits and Starts
Everything was moved in on Saturday, and now I have the daunting task of unpacking or storing all the boxes. It's interesting to me that I survived the last several months without any of these items, which shows they are not vital to my life. Useful in many cases, yes. Aesthetically pleasing sometimes, yes, but not necessary. I will admit after all the protests from my housemate about using "her stuff," it does feel good to move all "my stuff" into the dining room and kitchen. I am back to having an abundance of cups and bowls, versus just the few I bought at the dollar store.
At the moment, housemate and I are getting along in a civil fashion. Major drama erupted last Thursday, though, when I let her know late night that S might stay over and leave early in the morning for work. He was wrapping up a conference and had been out with colleagues and I, admittedly after having a glass of wine, thought it would be nice to cuddle, especially since we have been talking about staying over but haven't crossed that line yet. I texted her as a courtesy but realize now it was something we needed to talk about first. I was thinking it would be unobtrusive and they wouldn't even see each other, but we do have a shared bathroom.
I think a reasonable response from her might have been saying that she felt it was something that needed to be discussed first and didn't want to be informed right before something was going to happen. Then, asking me if I could change plans because she really wasn't comfortable with it. Instead what happened is she turned into a toddler or teenage, I'm not sure which, and started cussing me out and yelling at me. It was pretty crazy, and I felt really overwhelmed. I knew if S came over, things would escalate further, so I got a hold of him and cancelled. I made it very clear to her later that the name calling/cussing at me was unacceptable, and I did not want it to happen again. I also apologized for not discussing it with her first. We have since negotiated a couple things, including sharing the living room and S coming over perhaps one night a week on a night she is not there (she stays at her daughter's house two nights a week). Feeling okay about it right now, but admit I questioned my choice to stay here after she blew up.
S has a couple of key appointments with doctors today, so please send good thoughts. He hopes to start this round of treatment as soon as possible, so it - and I think the surgery, as well - will be done by Christmas break. We have been talking about diet and supplements that will support his treatments and healing. This article was interesting to me, in that it doesn't talk a lot about diet. It says the most important factors are stress, exercise, staying away from mold, helping others, and levels of Vitamin D. What do you think? Apparently, this doc has studied these factors for over 30 years. I did find a good cookbook along these lines, as well, and plan to use that.
We had a great time Saturday night after he helped me move in. A friend of mine from the EOL leadership program I did - ironically right after we broke up - was having a 70th birthday party, replete with an Indian feast. So, we had a drink ahead of time and caught up on our weeks, which was really nice, then headed over and had a lovely evening connecting with conscious, compassionate people and participating in sharing memories and recognizing my friend. I usually get very nervous to give speeches, even informal ones in front of nice people, but I had some liquid courage at that point, and I think I did pretty well. :)
Tonight, we are going to the Gi@nts game with one of S's work friends and his girlfriend. S said she's a little odd, so we'll see how things go. It would be nice to have "couple" friends to do things with. We've never had that before, other than with our siblings.
At the moment, housemate and I are getting along in a civil fashion. Major drama erupted last Thursday, though, when I let her know late night that S might stay over and leave early in the morning for work. He was wrapping up a conference and had been out with colleagues and I, admittedly after having a glass of wine, thought it would be nice to cuddle, especially since we have been talking about staying over but haven't crossed that line yet. I texted her as a courtesy but realize now it was something we needed to talk about first. I was thinking it would be unobtrusive and they wouldn't even see each other, but we do have a shared bathroom.
I think a reasonable response from her might have been saying that she felt it was something that needed to be discussed first and didn't want to be informed right before something was going to happen. Then, asking me if I could change plans because she really wasn't comfortable with it. Instead what happened is she turned into a toddler or teenage, I'm not sure which, and started cussing me out and yelling at me. It was pretty crazy, and I felt really overwhelmed. I knew if S came over, things would escalate further, so I got a hold of him and cancelled. I made it very clear to her later that the name calling/cussing at me was unacceptable, and I did not want it to happen again. I also apologized for not discussing it with her first. We have since negotiated a couple things, including sharing the living room and S coming over perhaps one night a week on a night she is not there (she stays at her daughter's house two nights a week). Feeling okay about it right now, but admit I questioned my choice to stay here after she blew up.
S has a couple of key appointments with doctors today, so please send good thoughts. He hopes to start this round of treatment as soon as possible, so it - and I think the surgery, as well - will be done by Christmas break. We have been talking about diet and supplements that will support his treatments and healing. This article was interesting to me, in that it doesn't talk a lot about diet. It says the most important factors are stress, exercise, staying away from mold, helping others, and levels of Vitamin D. What do you think? Apparently, this doc has studied these factors for over 30 years. I did find a good cookbook along these lines, as well, and plan to use that.
We had a great time Saturday night after he helped me move in. A friend of mine from the EOL leadership program I did - ironically right after we broke up - was having a 70th birthday party, replete with an Indian feast. So, we had a drink ahead of time and caught up on our weeks, which was really nice, then headed over and had a lovely evening connecting with conscious, compassionate people and participating in sharing memories and recognizing my friend. I usually get very nervous to give speeches, even informal ones in front of nice people, but I had some liquid courage at that point, and I think I did pretty well. :)
Tonight, we are going to the Gi@nts game with one of S's work friends and his girlfriend. S said she's a little odd, so we'll see how things go. It would be nice to have "couple" friends to do things with. We've never had that before, other than with our siblings.
9/21/2015
House! Relationship! Family!
Sitting in Starbuck's passing time while my new house is cleaned. That's right, my new house! My stuff was delivered a couple of days ago. S and I moved some boxes and bedroom furniture in yesterday and will move the rest in next weekend, likely with an hour of help from T@sk Rabbit or another type service.
My housemate has softened a bit, so that we are not exactly friendly but respectful and civil. It's a step in the right direction, anyway. Of course, I am counting on her moving out in a few months to a year, as she said she planned to. We will see how that unfolds... she is financially struggling and, as I well know, it is difficult to make a move from that position. Hopefully, things will pick up for her with her business and re-starting a part-time therapy practice.
Once I get my stuff settled in, I plan to contact social service folks in my new county and take the next step with paperwork and meeting with an adoption caseworker.
S and I have been continuing to communicate daily and see each other once a week. I think I mentioned he is going through a health challenge right now. He has the type of illness that many men his age have to worry about. He caught it relatively early but will need to go through a round of treatment for the next several weeks, then surgery, then another round of treatment. The doctors prognosis is that, if he completes all that, he should have a full recovery. I am praying this is so. When I first heard the extent of necessary medical intervention, I felt scared and had a moment of asking, "Am I up for this?" After all, S and I are newly reconnecting and still talking through issues and concerns. But things continue to be encouraging and grow closer between us. I love him and want to be of support.
One of the issues we started talking more in-depth about this last weekend is family and parenting. As I have mentioned, S has a lovely adult daughter and step-son and does not feel the longing I do. Plus, he is almost a decade older than me and worries whether it is responsible for him to become a father at this age. He has also not wrapped his head around the various aspects and potential challenges of adoption to the level I have at this point. But I have a sense he will "come around" should we stay together long-term. In the meanwhile, I know he will be supportive of me in my present adoption efforts.
A parallel concern is whether his fertility will be affected by treatments because, although this path is not something we are pursuing or are ready to pursue, if a door is closing, I would like to know that and discuss it together. Of course, his health is paramount and takes priority over anything regarding fertility.
So I guess we are in a complicated and multi-layered relationship right now! I am feeling pretty hopeful and upbeat today, though, for what that is worth. :)
My housemate has softened a bit, so that we are not exactly friendly but respectful and civil. It's a step in the right direction, anyway. Of course, I am counting on her moving out in a few months to a year, as she said she planned to. We will see how that unfolds... she is financially struggling and, as I well know, it is difficult to make a move from that position. Hopefully, things will pick up for her with her business and re-starting a part-time therapy practice.
Once I get my stuff settled in, I plan to contact social service folks in my new county and take the next step with paperwork and meeting with an adoption caseworker.
S and I have been continuing to communicate daily and see each other once a week. I think I mentioned he is going through a health challenge right now. He has the type of illness that many men his age have to worry about. He caught it relatively early but will need to go through a round of treatment for the next several weeks, then surgery, then another round of treatment. The doctors prognosis is that, if he completes all that, he should have a full recovery. I am praying this is so. When I first heard the extent of necessary medical intervention, I felt scared and had a moment of asking, "Am I up for this?" After all, S and I are newly reconnecting and still talking through issues and concerns. But things continue to be encouraging and grow closer between us. I love him and want to be of support.
One of the issues we started talking more in-depth about this last weekend is family and parenting. As I have mentioned, S has a lovely adult daughter and step-son and does not feel the longing I do. Plus, he is almost a decade older than me and worries whether it is responsible for him to become a father at this age. He has also not wrapped his head around the various aspects and potential challenges of adoption to the level I have at this point. But I have a sense he will "come around" should we stay together long-term. In the meanwhile, I know he will be supportive of me in my present adoption efforts.
A parallel concern is whether his fertility will be affected by treatments because, although this path is not something we are pursuing or are ready to pursue, if a door is closing, I would like to know that and discuss it together. Of course, his health is paramount and takes priority over anything regarding fertility.
So I guess we are in a complicated and multi-layered relationship right now! I am feeling pretty hopeful and upbeat today, though, for what that is worth. :)
9/07/2015
Labor Day Progress
Happy Labor Day!
I am feeling excited for Mo at Life and Love in the Petri Dish because she is now getting clearly positive HPTs! A lot of resources and emotion have gone into her journey, and I am happy that her little one may get a sibling!
After I finish this post, I will get ready and head out to meet S at a park to watch a free production of King Lear. I don't love Shakespeare, to be honest, though I can recognize it's worth, but it's outdoors and we will be sipping wine and relaxing, so I think overall it will be a good time. Then, we will stroll over to have dinner in the neighborhood near the park. I thought about bringing Zoey, but neither of us have been to this park, so I don't know whether there will be trees or posts to tie her to, which is key to a lengthy event like this.
S and I had some more conversation in the last few days about the possibility of dating again. We have talked about different lifestyle choices and taken action to get more on the same page. It's so strange when I take a step back and consider where we are right now. I would have NEVER thought we would get back together. I was truly and surely finished, which is why I ignored his first two attempts over the last year to communicate with me.
But I do believe he has "woken up" to a couple of the key issues that painfully destroyed the love we had for each other and finally broke us apart two years ago this November. His acknowledgement of his "stirring the pot" around exes and shift in his view of what loyalty and commitment look like is huge. Then, his work on getting control of his anger and, from a cognitive-behavioral lens, changing his viewpoint when he is emotionally triggered by my actions, is also a giant change. So far, knock on wood, we have been able to talk through anything that has come up for either of us in a mature way, like two adults. Imagine that! It does feel very grown up, here at our ripe old ages of 55 and 46. ha!
Also, I don't want to go into it today, but S has recently had a health scare and I am helping him with a couple of things. This brought up fear of losing him and also a true desire to help him the way he helped me with my fibroid surgery, even after we had broken up. So that has been a factor in bringing us closer, I think.
More shall be revealed, but I'm feeling some optimism today and look forward to spending time together this afternoon and evening.
Oh, even though my housemate has continued to be caustic at times, we did have another talk on Friday that released some tension, and, considering the landlord now says he has no plans to sell anytime in the foreseeable future, I may end up moving into this house on a more long-term basis. I will likely decide when I hear back from him on a couple questions, including the lease, in the next day or two.
I am feeling excited for Mo at Life and Love in the Petri Dish because she is now getting clearly positive HPTs! A lot of resources and emotion have gone into her journey, and I am happy that her little one may get a sibling!
After I finish this post, I will get ready and head out to meet S at a park to watch a free production of King Lear. I don't love Shakespeare, to be honest, though I can recognize it's worth, but it's outdoors and we will be sipping wine and relaxing, so I think overall it will be a good time. Then, we will stroll over to have dinner in the neighborhood near the park. I thought about bringing Zoey, but neither of us have been to this park, so I don't know whether there will be trees or posts to tie her to, which is key to a lengthy event like this.
S and I had some more conversation in the last few days about the possibility of dating again. We have talked about different lifestyle choices and taken action to get more on the same page. It's so strange when I take a step back and consider where we are right now. I would have NEVER thought we would get back together. I was truly and surely finished, which is why I ignored his first two attempts over the last year to communicate with me.
But I do believe he has "woken up" to a couple of the key issues that painfully destroyed the love we had for each other and finally broke us apart two years ago this November. His acknowledgement of his "stirring the pot" around exes and shift in his view of what loyalty and commitment look like is huge. Then, his work on getting control of his anger and, from a cognitive-behavioral lens, changing his viewpoint when he is emotionally triggered by my actions, is also a giant change. So far, knock on wood, we have been able to talk through anything that has come up for either of us in a mature way, like two adults. Imagine that! It does feel very grown up, here at our ripe old ages of 55 and 46. ha!
Also, I don't want to go into it today, but S has recently had a health scare and I am helping him with a couple of things. This brought up fear of losing him and also a true desire to help him the way he helped me with my fibroid surgery, even after we had broken up. So that has been a factor in bringing us closer, I think.
More shall be revealed, but I'm feeling some optimism today and look forward to spending time together this afternoon and evening.
Oh, even though my housemate has continued to be caustic at times, we did have another talk on Friday that released some tension, and, considering the landlord now says he has no plans to sell anytime in the foreseeable future, I may end up moving into this house on a more long-term basis. I will likely decide when I hear back from him on a couple questions, including the lease, in the next day or two.
8/31/2015
More Time with S
I met with S for the third time yesterday, after having a couple great phone conversations this week. The way we are talking through things if one of us has feelings come up feels really, well, "mature"! So far, fingers crossed, we are able to keep connection and humor throughout our dialogue. This is quite different than before.
Things are beginning to move into romance, and we crossed the kissing threshold yesterday. I feel mostly positive about this, with a little anxiety mixed in. Would I be a fool to try again with him? As you all know, I have dated and been open to meeting other guys in this last year and a half - as well as when we were broken up before - but I can say that no one thus far has come close to his level of willingness to grow and talk about things.
And obviously we have a lot of history together, which is both good and bad, but mostly good I think, in terms of knowing each other and getting to a deeper level of communication. The trust has been rebuilt somewhat in the last few weeks but would have a ways to go.
I do know that both of our issues would come up more strongly as we grew closer. We have been talking about using H@rville Hendricks "Im@go Ther@py" work and even practiced one of his communication exercises yesterday. I read all HH's books a decade or more ago and really see the potential for healing childhood wounds. In brief, he believes we choose partners because they possess both the positive and the negative traits of our caregivers and within this reality is the potential to heal what happened to us - what we lacked in childhood - with our partner. S has indicated he would be on board with doing this work with me.
A last positive development is that he owned his passive-aggressive behavior of being late to our meeting. He admitted he felt okay in the moment about changing plans to him coming up to me again, versus me driving down to him (based on some logistical factors and me feeling overwhelmed), but then felt some resistance/resentment that resulted in him dragging his feet to start the drive. Awesome! Not the feet dragging, but the fact he acknowledged his feelings and how they had driven his behavior.
More shall be revealed, but today I'm feeling some hope.
Things are beginning to move into romance, and we crossed the kissing threshold yesterday. I feel mostly positive about this, with a little anxiety mixed in. Would I be a fool to try again with him? As you all know, I have dated and been open to meeting other guys in this last year and a half - as well as when we were broken up before - but I can say that no one thus far has come close to his level of willingness to grow and talk about things.
And obviously we have a lot of history together, which is both good and bad, but mostly good I think, in terms of knowing each other and getting to a deeper level of communication. The trust has been rebuilt somewhat in the last few weeks but would have a ways to go.
I do know that both of our issues would come up more strongly as we grew closer. We have been talking about using H@rville Hendricks "Im@go Ther@py" work and even practiced one of his communication exercises yesterday. I read all HH's books a decade or more ago and really see the potential for healing childhood wounds. In brief, he believes we choose partners because they possess both the positive and the negative traits of our caregivers and within this reality is the potential to heal what happened to us - what we lacked in childhood - with our partner. S has indicated he would be on board with doing this work with me.
A last positive development is that he owned his passive-aggressive behavior of being late to our meeting. He admitted he felt okay in the moment about changing plans to him coming up to me again, versus me driving down to him (based on some logistical factors and me feeling overwhelmed), but then felt some resistance/resentment that resulted in him dragging his feet to start the drive. Awesome! Not the feet dragging, but the fact he acknowledged his feelings and how they had driven his behavior.
More shall be revealed, but today I'm feeling some hope.
8/23/2015
Further Healing
I had a second meeting with S yesterday and had another big release of emotion - both anger and sadness/grief - and we talked about what verbal abuse means and how our interactions did end up in that area. We did a couple of structured exercises, including an "im@ge theatre" one in which we sculpted each other into images of how we saw each other in conflict and also into images of our feelings during this conflict. It was good. I felt lighter at the end, but S seemed to feel heavier and said he was understanding more of what I went through. I'm sorry he is feeling down, but I do appreciate him "going there" and remembering and empathizing with my side of what happened.
Also, I think he was sad that we didn't end up closer physically. He hoped that working through this stuff might automatically lead to us feeling amorous towards one another. I felt affectionate and caring but not romantic. I think switching gears from the intense processing and grief, especially since it involved remembering pain and anger from the worst time in our relationship, to romantic feelings would have been difficult. We have talked about that possibility prior to yesterday, because both of our minds had strayed into that possibility, and I brought up that I sometimes feel strongly passionate towards him and other times not, and would that even be okay with him. He indicated yes, but maybe he's really not, after reflecting further.
Anyway, regardless of what happens, I'm deeply grateful for our conversations, and for him holding space for me to express buried grief and heal further from the traumatic end of our relationship.
Also, I think he was sad that we didn't end up closer physically. He hoped that working through this stuff might automatically lead to us feeling amorous towards one another. I felt affectionate and caring but not romantic. I think switching gears from the intense processing and grief, especially since it involved remembering pain and anger from the worst time in our relationship, to romantic feelings would have been difficult. We have talked about that possibility prior to yesterday, because both of our minds had strayed into that possibility, and I brought up that I sometimes feel strongly passionate towards him and other times not, and would that even be okay with him. He indicated yes, but maybe he's really not, after reflecting further.
Anyway, regardless of what happens, I'm deeply grateful for our conversations, and for him holding space for me to express buried grief and heal further from the traumatic end of our relationship.
8/16/2015
Housing and Healing with update
The month-to-month house I've been living in for the last two weeks has been great in many ways - the kitchen is fantastic and Zoey loves the room and playing with me in the side yard. My housemate was gone all last week so that was nice. I did figure something out about her yesterday... so she's been kind of cold and seems annoyed much of the time I'm around her. Acting put-off when I ask her something and just generally not seeming warm and conversational, like she did when I came to first check out the house. I was feeling anxiety about this and also taking it on myself, questioning if I had done something wrong and trying to be a "perfect" housemate to make her happy.
Weeell, that is ending today. I pay the same amount of rent as she does. Yes, my furniture is in storage and I'm using "her stuff," but that was the agreement we made when we all talked about it and signed the lease with the landlord. She knew I was not going to take my furniture out of storage for just a month or two. I may go to target or even the dollar store and buy a few cups/bowls/dishes. I think that might help some, but overall I'm not going to stress about that.
What I realized yesterday is that she does not want me living here and is not happy about it, and that's just the way it is. She wanted to live with me IF we were both living here long-term and IF I was coming with all my stuff and furniture. She may have preferred, in a way, to live alone, but she was prepared for that scenario. What she did not want was what she got which was that the landlord said everything was uncertain because his wife had Parkinson's and they may move into the house in two or three months, thus everything about this situation has been tenuous. She did not want me "camping" here basically - I think she used those words once - without my stuff and without a long-term commitment.
If it was going to be short-term, she wanted to live here by herself and work on her writing. Well, sorry housemate, this is a two-bedroom house and the landlord is not going to choose to have it half-empty if someone is prepared to pay rent. And if she was unwilling to have me move in without my stuff, she could have said so. But she didn't. And here we are, and I'm not going to feel guilty or tip-toe around her. This is my house as much as hers right now. I will respect her stuff and her needs for the space of course.
To throw a further twist in things, two factors have changed with regard to our situation here: one, the landlord's wife accused him of carer abuse and he was actually arrested. I think he's out now but I'm not sure, and I'm not sure what the "truth" of the situation is. In any case, he is now moving in by himself to the cottage that he also owns, next door to our house. Sooo, I guess that means potentially we could rent the house long-term now? I don't know if I want to, now that I've seen this kind of cold, closed-off side of my housemate. When I move in somewhere, with all my stuff, I want it to be long-term. The second factor, though, is that she said she will likely be moving to Hawaii in a few months to a year. At which time, maybe I could take over the house. That is tempting and could work out great with adopting.
Which brings me to another big piece of news to report, which is that I have been emailing with my ex, S, for the purposes of healing still-existing hurt from the past. We met yesterday and I had a HUGE grief outpouring about our Fourth of July Tahoe trip - you know the kind where the sobbing and wailing just pours out of you interspersed with words coming from your deepest feelings - and it did feel healing. S held a container for me around that, and it was really good.
We talked about other things, as well, like the work he's done around his anger issues, which he now fully acknowledges. He told me about that work and also shared his current awareness of the source of this anger (some of which I knew but it was more specific) from less than adequate parenting in his early childhood, as well as teen years with a jerk of a step-dad.
I can tell he is thinking about the possibility of us getting back together, but I am only thinking of healing and friendship. I will not ever again stay in a relationship that has so much fighting and criticism without the love. Five positives for every negative experience - that's what a relationship needs to thrive. That's what we all need and what I intend to have. It is interesting that he is in a temporary solo living situation for a few more weeks and needs to find a new place. It's just weird that I need a place right now, too. But I'm not going to let a coincidence determine my choices. For now, I'm really happy to have released so much stored-up grief yesterday and to feel the start of forgiveness.
*Update: My housemate and I talked yesterday and I was right about much of what I wrote above. Also, she shared about the financial stress she is under, which is almost causing panic attacks. Good news is that we worked out a couple compromises - I'll buy a few dishes and Zoey can stay in my room when housemate needs focused privacy. We will see how it goes. In other news, we had an earthquake last night, and I was awake for it! It wasn't as scary for me as past earthquakes for some reason - felt more like rolling than jolting - but we were further from the epicenter than my ex who lives in Oakl@nd.
Weeell, that is ending today. I pay the same amount of rent as she does. Yes, my furniture is in storage and I'm using "her stuff," but that was the agreement we made when we all talked about it and signed the lease with the landlord. She knew I was not going to take my furniture out of storage for just a month or two. I may go to target or even the dollar store and buy a few cups/bowls/dishes. I think that might help some, but overall I'm not going to stress about that.
What I realized yesterday is that she does not want me living here and is not happy about it, and that's just the way it is. She wanted to live with me IF we were both living here long-term and IF I was coming with all my stuff and furniture. She may have preferred, in a way, to live alone, but she was prepared for that scenario. What she did not want was what she got which was that the landlord said everything was uncertain because his wife had Parkinson's and they may move into the house in two or three months, thus everything about this situation has been tenuous. She did not want me "camping" here basically - I think she used those words once - without my stuff and without a long-term commitment.
If it was going to be short-term, she wanted to live here by herself and work on her writing. Well, sorry housemate, this is a two-bedroom house and the landlord is not going to choose to have it half-empty if someone is prepared to pay rent. And if she was unwilling to have me move in without my stuff, she could have said so. But she didn't. And here we are, and I'm not going to feel guilty or tip-toe around her. This is my house as much as hers right now. I will respect her stuff and her needs for the space of course.
To throw a further twist in things, two factors have changed with regard to our situation here: one, the landlord's wife accused him of carer abuse and he was actually arrested. I think he's out now but I'm not sure, and I'm not sure what the "truth" of the situation is. In any case, he is now moving in by himself to the cottage that he also owns, next door to our house. Sooo, I guess that means potentially we could rent the house long-term now? I don't know if I want to, now that I've seen this kind of cold, closed-off side of my housemate. When I move in somewhere, with all my stuff, I want it to be long-term. The second factor, though, is that she said she will likely be moving to Hawaii in a few months to a year. At which time, maybe I could take over the house. That is tempting and could work out great with adopting.
Which brings me to another big piece of news to report, which is that I have been emailing with my ex, S, for the purposes of healing still-existing hurt from the past. We met yesterday and I had a HUGE grief outpouring about our Fourth of July Tahoe trip - you know the kind where the sobbing and wailing just pours out of you interspersed with words coming from your deepest feelings - and it did feel healing. S held a container for me around that, and it was really good.
We talked about other things, as well, like the work he's done around his anger issues, which he now fully acknowledges. He told me about that work and also shared his current awareness of the source of this anger (some of which I knew but it was more specific) from less than adequate parenting in his early childhood, as well as teen years with a jerk of a step-dad.
I can tell he is thinking about the possibility of us getting back together, but I am only thinking of healing and friendship. I will not ever again stay in a relationship that has so much fighting and criticism without the love. Five positives for every negative experience - that's what a relationship needs to thrive. That's what we all need and what I intend to have. It is interesting that he is in a temporary solo living situation for a few more weeks and needs to find a new place. It's just weird that I need a place right now, too. But I'm not going to let a coincidence determine my choices. For now, I'm really happy to have released so much stored-up grief yesterday and to feel the start of forgiveness.
*Update: My housemate and I talked yesterday and I was right about much of what I wrote above. Also, she shared about the financial stress she is under, which is almost causing panic attacks. Good news is that we worked out a couple compromises - I'll buy a few dishes and Zoey can stay in my room when housemate needs focused privacy. We will see how it goes. In other news, we had an earthquake last night, and I was awake for it! It wasn't as scary for me as past earthquakes for some reason - felt more like rolling than jolting - but we were further from the epicenter than my ex who lives in Oakl@nd.
8/05/2015
Short (ish) Post on New Place and Someone from the Past
Short post this morning to share that I am moved into the house I mentioned last time. It feels great to be in "my" space - it's shared but I'm paying rent versus being a guest in another's home - and to know I have the option of staying another month or longer if needed. This situation IS quite perfect for me, I must say. Thank you, God.
My friend is driving over in her truck this morning to drop off my bed. I have been sleeping on an air mattress the past few nights, which was fine, but a bed will be nice. Zoey is in dog heaven to have the run of a full house after being confined to single rooms the past months. We are learning the neighborhood and have been enjoying walking around a lovely nearby park.
The interview went well. Not perfect, but well. I was a bit scattered on a couple of unexpected questions but did great on several other questions and my 10-minute presentation. From buying a new outfit, to lengthy research, to doing a mock interview with a friend, I know I did everything possible to prepare, so now it's out of my hands.
My final juicy bit of news is that my ex, S, contacted me for the third time since our break-up, asking if he could share recent insights about our time together. That bait was too enticing to pass up, so I responded, and he shared... well, he didn't share much of anything new, so it was kind of disappointing. He basically validated what I already knew - that he did have anger issues he needed to work on and had shut down in the intimacy department and also was unable to get to a place when we were together where he could "hang out" with me and just be normal - work or whatever. He said he had made progress in all these areas in a relationship he had been in since about six months after our break up, which had now "reverted to being friends." Ah, I see why you contacted me at this time, S.
Anyway, I'm considering getting together with him to see if I can release some residual anger and hurt from the last few months we were together. But first, I need to get clear on "how" that might be possible. The goal would not be to get back together, but to further heal my feelings from that time, and maybe have more positive feelings towards S, allowing friendship. I am meeting with a counselor this week (the one S and I saw when we were together and that I saw individually a few times after), so hopefully that will help.
My friend is driving over in her truck this morning to drop off my bed. I have been sleeping on an air mattress the past few nights, which was fine, but a bed will be nice. Zoey is in dog heaven to have the run of a full house after being confined to single rooms the past months. We are learning the neighborhood and have been enjoying walking around a lovely nearby park.
The interview went well. Not perfect, but well. I was a bit scattered on a couple of unexpected questions but did great on several other questions and my 10-minute presentation. From buying a new outfit, to lengthy research, to doing a mock interview with a friend, I know I did everything possible to prepare, so now it's out of my hands.
My final juicy bit of news is that my ex, S, contacted me for the third time since our break-up, asking if he could share recent insights about our time together. That bait was too enticing to pass up, so I responded, and he shared... well, he didn't share much of anything new, so it was kind of disappointing. He basically validated what I already knew - that he did have anger issues he needed to work on and had shut down in the intimacy department and also was unable to get to a place when we were together where he could "hang out" with me and just be normal - work or whatever. He said he had made progress in all these areas in a relationship he had been in since about six months after our break up, which had now "reverted to being friends." Ah, I see why you contacted me at this time, S.
Anyway, I'm considering getting together with him to see if I can release some residual anger and hurt from the last few months we were together. But first, I need to get clear on "how" that might be possible. The goal would not be to get back together, but to further heal my feelings from that time, and maybe have more positive feelings towards S, allowing friendship. I am meeting with a counselor this week (the one S and I saw when we were together and that I saw individually a few times after), so hopefully that will help.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)