FET Update #1 (finally!) and holiday events

Okaaaay, I just did the awesome thing where I type the whole post almost, then hit the wrong button and it's deleted. Argh! Okay, I will try a bulleted post to capture main points...

Significant and thrilling developments towards my FET cycle:

• Started my period last Saturday!
• With my period starting, I was able to resume my supplements, including pre-natals and Pentoxifylline (blood flow related). Yay for pills!
• Began taking birth control pills on Monday.
• Received my FET schedule yesterday... baseline ultrasound on the calendar for next week, likely after Christmas, and my embryo transfer scheduled for January 24th!!! Woo hoo!

Check in about my birthday:

• I'm 50 now and would never have guessed when I was young that I would be trying to have a baby now. Life is surely unpredictable.
• RC planned awesome activities for Saturday starting with brunch and moving into a scavenger hunt/amazing race type activity in our new hometown downtown area. Even having grown up here, I learned some things (i.e. Senator Morse! Cool guy!). 
• Then we went to a UO basketball game that evening, and he had arranged a super sweet message to appear on the reader board at halftime. ❤️
  
• Sunday evening with family was okay. Mostly the same chaotic, everyone talking, loud family dynamic that often happens when we all get together. Not so fun for an introvert. But I received some great presents, including double-date night dinner/concert tickets with my brother and sis-in-law to see Big Head Todd and the Monsters, a band popular in Colorado when I went to school there. Awesome! Then we just opened Xmas presents from/for my sister and her family, since they're going out of town, and ended the evening eating some cake. 
• No karaoke. :( But I did practice the Molly Shannon monologue from SNL, "I'm 50!" and shared it with people several times. You're welcome, family. "...And I can KICK, streeeeetch, and KICK!" lol

Monday was a downer after all the intensity, but I feel good now and am moving into what feels like "Christmas-time Phase 2." We took my older niece and nephew out to sing carols, drink hot chocolate, and look at Christmas lights last night, and this afternoon, my brother will bring my little nieces over to make Christmas cookies. Oh, and I got my first career counseling client in Eugene, y'all! First session tomorrow, and he paid already!

Having the dates to look forward to on the calendar for this cycle definitely adds to my holiday cheer. We are having conversations about one embryo or two again, after the discovery of my clotting mutation (heterozygous for prothrombin), but since I'll be on lovenox, I hope it's a minimal risk. More on that later.

Happy Holidays to Everyone!

p.s. RC and I have had some productive conversations, since I wrote the post on feeling challenged with some of his moods/behaviors. We solved our financial crunch for now, and have moved forward with ring design/selection. :) We are also reading a great book together about how to handle emotions/anger in ways that align with your values and goals. It's about the ACT process. Very helpful and hopeful.

#Microblog Monday - Turning 50

So my birthday is coming up, next Sunday the 16th. It's a big, scary one: 50. I do not feel 50, and I like to think I don't look or act 50 either. But 50 I will be, like it or not.

If I had to say how old I feel, I think it would be around 43 to 45. I'm sure the fact that I am in the process of donor egg IVF/FET and hoping to become a mom soon contributes to my not feeling like 50 is my appropriate age. Also, I've never been married and will likely be doing so next year, which is a life event that often occurs (at least the first time) at a significantly younger age. Thirdly, my sister and brother are 7.5 and 9 years younger than me, respectively, and they both are married with two children - the youngest being 4-years-old. My partner, RC, is 10 years older than me, so that should help me feel older, but it really doesn't. He's excited to have a child together, and says he doesn't feel his age at all, either.

My sister wrote me today and asked if I would like to have a family Xmas/birthday gathering on my birthday, since they will be in California with her husband family over the holiday. I have mixed feelings about this. It was always a big deal when I was growing up to keep Christmas and my birthday separate. My parents wouldn't get a tree until after my birthday, usually, and made an effort to focus just on birthday celebrations at my special time of year. So, maybe subconsciously that plays a role, although I'm all about starting Christmas early at this point, and we got our tree the first weekend of December.

I did want to do something a little "different" if we gathered for my birthday this year, maybe a karaoke machine or dancing and/or sharing memories. Something memorable. RC said he was going to try and plan something, but he hadn't really taken any action on that prior to my sister contacting me. I'm sure he'd be happy to have it off his plate.

Part of me would like to skip it and ignore I'm turning 50, and part of me wants to feel special and celebrate it in a memorable way. What you would do if you were me? Have you had any big birthdays which brought up mixed feelings?

Relationship Frustrations

I am having one of those moments in my life, in my relationship, in which I am necessarily reminding myself that I know who my partner is - have know who he is from the beginning - and should not be surprised when he is acting true to character. At this moment, I admit, I wish his character were a little different in certain ways.

Specifically, there are two ways in which my partner behaves that I'm struggling with right now...

One, when he is stressed and overwhelmed, he can become depressed and withdrawn. I generally do not do this, and I'm trying, but I don't really understand it. I know that we just went through a HUGE life change in moving to Eugene, and that this change is even bigger for him because he lived on the Central Coast for multiple decades longer than me. He said himself that he did not feel rooted there and that he was open to moving, but when it came down to it, it was very challenging for him.

What I would LIKE him to do when he is stressed and overwhelmed is to communicate about it and ask for what he needs or let me help him figure out what he needs. In general, I would like us to turn to one another and work as a team through life's challenges and adversities. Is this unrealistic? Perhaps, again, considering his nature. He has depression and it seems to flare up when he is feeling stressed and overwhelmed. Can he shift his thinking and reactions at these times? I don't know.

The second aspect with which I'm struggling perhaps relates to the first, as I think about it. He doesn't have the initiative and sense of agency that I would like him to have when it comes to problem solving, especially right now when it has to deal with money. This affects me big-time in the area of engagement and marriage.

I have never been married. I am excited and looking forward to being married. RC and I have talked about marriage many times over the last year plus that we have been together (as mentioned, we were friends for several years, as well, when I lived on the Central Coast a decade ago). Before we left, we had several discussions about getting married before the end of the year for tax purposes - I know, how romantic! - and then, when it quickly became clear that it would be too much to plan a real wedding by the end of the year, we talked about perhaps doing a justice of the peace court wedding in December, then a real wedding in February. We have looked at rings down there and once up here in Oregon, as well.

Fast-forward to yesterday, three weeks after we arrived in Oregon, I asked what his thoughts were now on the subject, and he totally withdrew and said he didn't know what to say - that I know our finance situation, and he wants to get me a ring but doesn't know where the money would come from. ARGH! In a past conversation, I asked him to reflect and consider where the money might be found. Is it unreasonable that I want him to take the lead on this endeavor? I'm willing to help or talk through finances, but I DON'T WANT TO BE IN CHARGE OF COMING UP WITH THE MONEY FOR MY OWN RING!

Obviously, I have some energy around this. As mentioned, I've never been married. He's been married twice before. The proposal and ring mean a lot to me, and there is romance involved, at least for me. It's so frustrating to me that it seems he hasn't even been thinking about this situation and how we might move forward. In this moment, right now, I can brainstorm two or three ways that he/we could come up with some money. Why can't he do that and take the lead? In addition to frustrated, it makes me feel sad and insecure.

Thanks for listening to my venting on this. I'd love to hear your thoughts and comments.

Arrived! Settling in. Cycle news!

We are here! Our little caravan arrived in Oregon last Saturday night. We took it slow due to RC towing my car behind the Uhaul. It was frustrating for me at times tailing behind, since he was often driving a little below the speed limit and had to slow down when we came up on (lots of) truckers, but we broke up the trip staying overnight in Redding, so it wasn't too bad.

Since then, we have been unloading the Uhaul and the Pod, which was delivered on Sunday morning with all my stuff in it, and unpacking the mountain of boxes in our dining room. We have made significant progress, though, and it's starting to feel a little like a home.

We have the kitchen functional, and I enjoy cooking so much more than at RC's old apartment! Our upstairs bedroom is lovely, with a large window looking out into open space in the back with a hedge and tall trees beyond that. Our townhouse borders a Country Club golf course, so that is very lucky! The hedges block a golf course view, but there are no other buildings or houses in sight when we are looking out the back.

We talked about getting involved and hopefully, eventually, buying in to a cohousing community currently under construction in town, but honestly, my heart is not in it right now. RC says he feels the same way. I like our new place and the thought of moving again in a year or two sounds awful, especially if we (God willing) have a little one. So, we may let that go for now.

Regarding our IVF efforts...so, my beta numbers continued to drop from 24 and were only 13 at the next blood test. The doctor said we didn't need to do further beta testing. Yay! My body has definitely continued it's return to normal, and, due in part to my attempt to eat a more low-carb diet, I feel thinner than I've been in many months.

The big news is that I did complete a doctor-ordered RPL (Repeat Pregnancy Loss) test panel, and not only was my tsh/thyroid level way up at 4.3, but my Protein C result was low at 64, with a normal range of 78 - 205. The doctor said that my recent early pregnancy loss may still be impacting these numbers and ordered repeat testing in four weeks (around December 7th).

So, even though it's a big drag to have further delay, if it means greater chance of success in our next cycle, we are okay with that. I guess if the Protein C is still out of range, they may put me on Lovenox (anti-coagulant) for the next cycle. Have any of you heard of or experienced this?

With regard to the tsh, I recently learned that estrogen can impact your tsh levels: WTF?! I had no idea. Needless to say, I requested we test my tsh level prior to our next transfer, following the weeks of taking estrogen to build my lining, and the doctor concurred.

I have more to share about our time with my family since arriving (taking my older niece and nephew to The Grinch was a highlight!), plus reflections about how RC and I deal with stress and are working out the true combining of our lives, but I'll stop here today. Holidays suddenly feel like they're right around the bend, and I'm excited for our first holiday season living in Oregon!

Updates from Limbo-land

Update on beta hell: The week following was, again, exactly the same as the prior week, around 45.

Cue getting more serious and investigating possibility of getting a D&C, which I would have to get locally, since my several-hours-away clinic isn't covered by my insurance. We talked to a local doctor, RC's friend who works out of a local medical center, who agreed to do the procedure.

I talked to the doctor at the clinic again and he explained again why he was against using methotrex@te, the timeline of recovery for that or a D&C, and how he has come to believe in the wisdom of letting things resolve naturally when possible. This makes sense, but it's sooo hard being in limbo and waiting, waiting, then waiting some more.

But... guess what? In the midst of these considerations, I had another beta this last Friday and... Halle-frickin-lujah, the numbers *finally* started moving in the right direction. It came back at 24.6!! I felt incredibly relieved. I really don't want to get the surgery or take toxic medication if I can avoid it, even though I know many women (including myself) have gone through these and been fine. It's stressful and uncomfortable, and, if I can avoid it and also avoid further delays in starting the next cycle, then that would be much preferred.

Without going into too much detail, after calming and almost stopping, my body has picked up it's efforts of final healing. I had some increased old blood, then some new blood yesterday and today, along with very slight cramping/pulling feelings here and there. I'll go in for another beta next Friday, fingers crossed!

And happening in parallel: a little less than two weeks now until we caravan with all our stuff and animals up to Oregon. Wowza! More about that in another post, but needless to say, this is a huge commitment on both our parts and is bringing up some stuff to work through.

Waiting...and Moving

Soooo, we have given up on starting the next cycle quickly or before we move to Oregon. It looks like my next transfer won't be until December.

This is because, instead of going down, my HCG beta went up last Monday to 45! Argh. The doctor then ordered an ultrasound, which I did on Thursday, and which showed there was nothing in my uterus or tubes. Therefore, no ectopic or retained tissue in my uterus or anything like that. I am having a little ongoing spotting and even a little very mild cramping the last couple of days, so I guess my body is still working through healing.

After reviewing the ultrasound results, the doctor gave us three options going forward:

1. Continue waiting for the beta to drop (and of course hoping my period arrives in three weeks). My next blood test is scheduled for next Friday. 
2. Get a saline sonogram and potentially have a DNC or hysteroscopy. 
3. Take methotrexate, which the doctor does not advise.

As hard as it is to just keep waiting, we’re leaning towards doctor-preferred option one. We will, however, reevaluate depending on the beta results next week.

The earliest we could start the next cycle would be around the first of November. Since a cycle takes about a month leading up to transfer, that brings us to the beginning of December. Cycling and transferring over the holidays - wow, not necessarily what I would choose, but we will move forward as soon as possible.

Our move to Oregon will be around the end of the first week of November. Our plans are starting to come together. We have a budget, which includes, in addition to paying for a POD to be moved from the Bay Area to Oregon, one of us driving a U-haul up and towing one of our cars behind, while the other person drives the second car. Sounds stressful! We will be breaking up the trip with a hotel stay, though, so that should help.

Life is rolling along, not as we had envisioned, but we are looking forward to moving to Oregon and feeling hopeful about the next cycle... which I pray starts sooner rather than later!

FET Update #3

Still in limbo land... the Beta number was, wait for it, *exactly the same* last Monday. Argh!! It was around 20. I told my nurse that I needed to have some reason why this was the case and not just, "It's a mystery, wait another week." So, the doctor ended up calling me and talking about how, since the level started and has remained low, it indicates there are slight remaining pregnancy/placental cells somewhere and it can take time for them to clear.

He said to stop the BCP and Trental, which I did right away. Since then, I started bleeding. Definitely an unusual-type cycle - less intense but starting with (TMI Warning) a couple days of old blood and now some red blood with tissue in it. It's all sort of sad, but at the same time, I welcome it because I really want to get back to ground zero and start the new cycle.

I do question why they started me on BCP on cycle day 3 after a chemical pregnancy? Doesn't it make sense that my body go through a whole cycle, and let it run it's course? I guess they were doing it because our initial plan was to go right into an FET cycle, but it needs to make sense with the healing process, too!

A positive development is that we are now clear about moving to Oregon at the start of November, then coming down for the transfer later on. We need to get on with our plans, plus we have a place now! It's in a perfect location, a few blocks from my sister's house and walking distance from my dad and brother's house, as well as a nice outdoor/indoor mall with restaurants, coffee shops, stores, and even a Trader Joe's. We want to get up there and don't want to pay two rents for longer than necessary.

Lastly, I bit the bullet and bought the Circle @nd Bloom meditation program. Yay! I'm excited about the modules specifically corresponding to each phase in the FET cycle and really feel it will help me manage my anxiety this time around. Now, if we can only get started! Fingers crossed for next Wednesday's blood test showing a *ZERO* Beta result!

FET Update #2

We are in limbo-land this week because the Beta did not drop. It was around 20 on Monday, so we re-test this Monday, fingers crossed.

It's so frustrating because we had a tentative cycle calendar which had us transfer at the end of October. Now, from what the nurse told me previously, the earliest we could transfer would be November 12th. :( This is an issue not just because it's so hard to be in limbo, but also because we are trying to make a move to my hometown in Oregon, and were planning on the beginning of November. We still may do that, but would then need to make a seven-and-a-half hour drive to the clinic for the transfer.

The good news is that we could get all the testing and ultrasounds done locally, but that's a tough drive to make and not ideal to do shortly after transferring. We will see how things unfold. The first hurdle is getting my d@mn Beta to drop, so please send good thoughts for us on Monday.

I have been feeling okay; a little occasional very light cramping and old blood spotting. I have continued taking the birth control pills, per doctor's orders, as well as the Trental medication for uterine blood flow. My mood has been okay generally, but it seems like I have less patience and tolerance than usual; RC and I have had some frustrating conversations.

I've been trying to meditate daily, however, and today we are going on a big food shopping trip to stock up with healthy items for the cycle. Yay. I'm back up to four career counseling clients, and am enjoying having that to take some positive attention and time. Fingers crossed we can move forward next week!

FET Update #1

I officially started this cycle today with BCPs, so here we go again! I began bleeding early Friday morning, as expected, and the nurse then sent over our new schedule. Lots going on this week with a final Beta blood test tomorrow to assure it's decreased, then a Baseline Ultrasound on Tuesday, and, assuming that's all clear, starting Lupron on Thursday. Our transfer is scheduled for October 23rd. We plan to transfer two again and look forward to talking to the embryologist about which of our remaining 15 (!) frozen embryos he would recommend.

Both RC and I have continued to feel some sadness here and there about our first try not working. He has been more deeply sad about it, I think, because I have gone through so many similar disappointments. Unfortunately, I have some callouses built up around my heart. That sounds strange to say, but hopefully that makes sense to some of you. I do know I'll be over the moon when we get a positive outcome... and it will probably take a while to sink in. I also think I had already started to accept that our cycle hadn't worked, first with the negative HPTs, and then with the super low beta, on top of just not feeling much those last few days.

Today, I'm actually excited to go into a new cycle and am feeling positive about it. I heard three different examples this week of second IVF tries (FETs) working for people, and that feels very encouraging. One was a blogging friend from the Cal IVF FB site who actually just got her positive on the second try with a frozen embryo transfer from her donor IVF cycle.

The second was on a television show I watch in which one of the main character just happened to be going through an IVF cycle. I really related to when she tried to "do everything right" and had her hopes up with a 70% chance of success. Her second try, she and her husband tried to mediate their expectations; she said she felt similarly to the first cycle in terms of symptoms... but it was a success!

When I went to a friend's house for dinner last night to catch up and share the experience, she gave me the third example. She told me about the daughter of a friend who had gone through a lot of infertility ups and downs and, after adopting two children, ended up pregnant with twins on her second IVF round with an FET.

We will be adding a couple new medical strategies to the protocol this time. Firstly, I started taking Trental, a type of Viagra or vasodialator to increase uterine blood flow. Secondly, as I hoped, I will be taking more estrogen from the start of that stage - both patches and pills - to hopefully increase my lining more gradually and fully. I would love it if I could reach at least an 11 or 12mm thickness with my lining. If you had success with an IVF or FET, do you remember what your lining reached prior to transfer?

This cycle, I also intend to meditate more from the beginning. Do you think it's worth spending $59 on a specific FET meditation program from Circle & B1oom? It includes 11 meditations corresponding with different stages of the FET process and sounds like it really focuses on relaxation, stress relief, and empowerment during the post-transfer wait, which was anxiety-provoking and challenging for me last time. I found a few meditations in my meditation app, but I'm not yet sure of their production quality.

Lastly, we talked about getting out of town during the two-week-really 9-day-wait... maybe going to the coast and staying at an air bnb location for two or three days. When we were in the Sacramento hotel for a day and a half after the transfer, I felt like we were in a nurturing bubble. I felt close to RC, relaxed and cozy. I hope all these changes will improve our chances and support our embabies to implant!

Cycle Update 5

And, just like that, despite our great odds, this cycle is a bust. Or more specifically, a "chemical" pregnancy - the most ridiculous name I've ever heard for a very early pregnancy that stops developing.

When the three home pregnancy tests we took came back negative, my anxiety shot through the roof. It was, as they say, not a good sign. But we held out hope that maybe one or both of our embryos were late implanters and looked towards the Beta test that Friday.

The Beta test came back at 12, which, if you are familiar with Betas, is extremely low. They (as in your doctor and nurses) like to see it at least 30, preferably 50. But I did feel excited for a little while, just knowing I was pregnant; that something had started after so many tries with IUI before where nothing started at all. So, we hoped upon hope that it would double properly for the second Beta test on Monday.

On Monday, we drove to the lab, where they told us that the results hadn't been finalized or something. It was very confusing, but when we called the processing center, they faxed over the required confirmation paperwork to my doctor. So they could confirm they are my doctor. Even though the order said the doctor's name and had their signature at the bottom. Argh!

When that happened, they finally sent the results to both my doctor and the lab, and my nurse beat the lab to the punch and called right away. My nurse, who has been super helpful along the way, did not have a positive tone so I guessed even before I heard that the Beta had only risen to a 17. Disappointment does not describe the feeling. It's like a punch to the chest.

RC was immediately super sad, whereas I think I just went kind of numb. I think, too, that what I read about Betas, had indicated that it was extremely uncertain that there would be a positive ending. We decided to drown our sorrows that evening. It was effective, but now we are picking up the pieces and regrouping for a Frozen Embryo Transfer. I have stopped all medication and am waiting to bleed. Once that starts, I let my nurse know and we create a calendar for the FET cycle. We are super fortunate to have great quality frozen embryos to use.

Apparently, my clinic has a committee that meets to discuss cases that did not succeed, so we will be on the agenda. I look forward to hearing how they might want to tweak my protocols and medication. I definitely think I should start with more estrogen, since my lining was thin in the initial check and then barely reached the minimum level before starting progesterone. I think it was close to 9mm. I'd also like to check my progesterone shortly after transfer to assure it's where it should be.

On the two-week (well really 8-9 days) side, RC and I talked about getting out of town for a few days to help mediate my anxiety. Especially on days he worked, it was super challenging for me to get through those last few hours of the afternoon/evening before he got home. He's going to take a day or two off work, and I'm also going to pre-plan some fun and uplifting activities on the days we are in town. I also want to do some hypnobabies meditations - have any of you used those?

I guess we've turned the corner and are looking ahead to the new cycle, but I still feel a little lost and empty at times. We both got attached to the "perfect" little embabies that were transferred this cycle.

Cycle Update 4

Sorry I haven't blogged since I got back from Sacramento. I'm just getting to it now after pretty much being obsessed with being PUPO for the last few days.

Everything went great with the transfer. It was AMAZING to see the little "swoosh" on the ultrasound when the embryos were transferred to my uterus. It was uncomfortable holding my pee, especially since they were a half hour late (!), but the nurse let me release a little bit so it was tolerable. The catheter did hurt going in, but nothing else about the procedure hurt. We were given pictures of our beautiful Grade 1 embabies and have them on our wall now. I was pretty blissed out about having them inside me for the first day or two...

Yesterday, though, I felt so anxious, I ended up crying to RC when he got home from work. Today is not much better. I'm trying to distract myself but it's not working very well. I do think I have some classic infertility PTSD from the many previous unsuccessful cycles I did, and also, we have invested SO much into this IVF that I feel terrified of it not working. Somehow the 80% chance of success is not comforting me, even though I guess it should. I've had various symptoms, including:

• A hot flash two days ago (7th). I've never had one before and wow, it was intense.
• Feeling absolutely starving recently around 11am and *needing* to get food ASAP.  Initially, we had leftover moo shu chicken (yum), the next day it was an In-N-Out hamburger and fries, and today it was a deli turkey and cranberry sandwich and jalapeno chips.
• Some light pressure-type cramping two days ago (7th) over an hour or hour and a half.
• A wave of feeling really surreal/stony/out of it that evening. It felt like I was on something. I didn't want to lie down. I just walked around feeling whacked out. lol
• Today, I've had a couple episodes of feeling light headed
• Boobs got a little sore yesterday and a little more sore today, but not sharp jabs or stabs like people describe, but did get nipple sensations yesterday like blood flowing in for a couple seconds. Does estrogen or progesterone medication build up over time in the body to create more symptoms? I've been on these same doses for a week and a half and didn't feel much the first few days/week.
• A really intense shooting feeling in lower, right pelvis area yesterday evening, and a lesser one following a couple minutes later on the left side.
• Some fatigue in my right arm today, like when I'm holding a fork or a pencil, they feel too heavy to be holding up. Never heard of that symptom, have you? strange...

Probably all these could be related to the estrogen and progesterone I'm taking, right? I would love to get something more conclusive like throwing up or intense, pulsating cramps for multiple hours. Be careful what you wish for, right? Argh, it's just so anxiety-inducing to wait like this for something so important.

We are probably going to test late tonight, even though it's on the early side. Since we transferred at 11am on Wednesday, tonight would be on 5dpt of 5-day blastocysts. I'm not clear when people say it's best to wait until 5dpt, it means *after* five whole days or on the fifth day? Anyway, at this moment, I think we're going to start testing tonight. Fingers and toes and everything else crossed.

Cycle Update 3

It was so hard waiting until 3 PM yesterday to get my lining checked! Definitely experienced some anxiety, and during my client appointment,  I kept looking at the clock every 10 minutes or so.  I kept up with all my uterine lining building strategies, though, which included:

• Drinking beet and pomegranate juice.
• Taking L'arginine -  by the way, does anyone know if I should stop taking that after the transfer? 
• Heating pad on abdomen.
• Lots of water and warm liquids.
• Keeping my feet warm by wearing socks – I do not like wearing socks!
• And most importantly, of course, taking the additional estrogen in the form of two Estrace tabs per day.

Thank you to everyone who gave me ideas on how to help the process!

After my client appointment, I went and worked out, showered, and watch some TV to distract myself. Finally, the time rolled around to leave for my appointment. RC has been working weekends at a side job, so he wasn't around to help defuse my anxiety. Luckily, though, he called while I was driving to the Imaging Center, and we had a good check in.

The embryologist had also called me earlier that morning, so I had some fun information to share, like the fact that all 28 follicles yielded eggs! And a couple more possibly, he said!  He also said he would call me today, which is my current anxiety-provoking waiting game. LOL but he is also going to call us Monday to give an update.  Since our sperm extraction was surgical, they automatically do ICSI for fertilization, so that was done yesterday afternoon sometime. I can't wait to hear how many successfully fertilized! Fingers crossed.

Anyway, I made it to the lining check, and was of course dying with anticipation, until she told me… my lining was at 8 millimeters! Hallelujah, mega relief!I didn't care what else she measured or how long it took, I was completely excited and relieved for the rest of the time there.  We are now officially scheduled for a fresh embryo transfer this coming Wednesday! We are heading up to Sacramento again on Tuessday and will stay there until Thursday afternoon, just relaxing and watching funny movies in the hotel room after the transfer.  Do you have any suggestions of movies or shows that you find really funny?

OMG, the embryologist just called while I was writing this! So there were 26 mature eggs retrieved and out of those six were a little less mature.  Out of those 26, 23 fertilized and looked great, and two had a singular PN structure (don't ask me to explain that but something about both the sperm in the egg chromosomes being fully present).  He said that those latter embryos had maybe a 50% chance of making it to blastocyst, but he would be tracking them in a separate bubble just in case.  He said he did have to search for great sperm in the samples, but of the 23 eggs that fertilized, 80% of those sperm looked great. Next check in, Monday; I'm so excited!

Cycle Update 2

I don't do this often, but if you read regularly, would you consider leaving a comment on this post? I appreciate each comment, especially right now when I'm "in the thick of it" with this cycle. Thank you!

Sooo, three days until my lining check on the 28th! Time continues to creeep by, but our first of two trips to Sacramento is now right around the corner. Since my last post, I have lowered my daily lupron dose from 10 to 5 units and have begun my estrogen patches, changing them out every other day. Those that have done the patches know they leave a lovely trail of gummy outlines across your torso that only come off when I scrape them with my fingernails (rubbing alcohol was ineffective, but if anyone knows how to easily remove these, let me know!).

I investigated and decided I'm going to do an acupuncture treatment the day before transfer to help with blood flow to the uterus. There is some research to support this. Acupuncture has not been an enjoyable activity for me in the past, so I debated some on this decision. In the end, several people on my Cal IVF FB page felt it was helpful, the research seemed to specifically support receiving a treatment within 24 hours prior to transfer, and I decided to visit RC's acupuncturist here in town before we drive over to Sac. He said she does Japanese-style acupuncture with thinner needles, so fingers crossed.

We have continued our lively discussions about whether to transfer one or two. It seems that an individual's risk tolerance represents a huge factor in their opinion of what we should do. My brother has a very low tolerance for risk, and he had a conniption fit when I mentioned we're considering transferring two. The nurses at the clinic also seem clear in their opinion that they would recommend one. Several other people we have asked say something to the effect of, "You're putting so much into it, you should transfer two and get more bang for your buck." RC and I are currently in a two-day experimental period during which we are mentally choosing to transfer one and seeing how it feels and what comes up.

This experiment has already borne fruit in the form of inspiration to look up the specific statistics on the increased risk of preeclampsia, diabetes, and pre-term birth. After reviewing some reputable studies and websites yesterday, my current understanding and belief is that, while there is an increased risk of these issues surfacing, especially preeclampsia, if the 45-year-old+ embryo recipient is generally healthy (blood pressure, weight etc.) prior to transfer and is monitored frequently, the overall outcomes are positive and don't differ significantly from singleton pregnancies. I don't know why I didn't look up the specific details and statistics earlier, but I think maybe I was protecting my desire to transfer two. When we undertook this two-day experiment of planning to transfer one, it opened up willingness to investigate these issues further. In any case, I'm glad I did it and it yielded some useful information.

When I (finally!) had my first local obgyn appointment yesterday, she was very nice and encouraging but didn't have a clear opinion on the one versus two question. She just brought up pros and cons on either side. Same scenario when RC asked his friend and chiropractor. Both said it's not a question with a clear answer, and we need to discuss and decide as a couple. I guess they're right, and we are trying, but we are not there quite yet. Being established with a local doctor feels great, though, and at least I can get local orders for tests and monitoring now.

One more aspect I want to share about this two versus one decision... for many people, it would be a no-brainer: 70% chance of success with one vs. 80-85% with two, plus a 50% chance of twins if you transfer two? Transfer one of course! But when you have gone through many years of trying and failing, including 7 IUIs, which each had maybe a 10-15% of working tops,  10-15% is not a negligible number. 80-85% sounds a LOT better to me, and I would MUCH rather have twins and take all the risks that go along with them than have NO BABY. So yeah, I acknowledge that I bring some history to the table on this decision. What would you do if you were me?

Lastly, I hoped we would hear from the clinic yesterday about our donor's follicle count, but my nurse there said it will be next week. I'm dying to know! She did tell us that her baseline and all initial tests came back with no problems, and she received and started the medications. I have been thinking of her and sending positive energy, and a few days ago I went on Ets-y and found a cool Celtic gratitude necklace/pendant to give her in appreciation. We share Celtic/Irish heritage (along with English and French), so I thought that was meaningful.

I'll post again after the lining check; hopefully with good news!

Cycle Updates

I wanted to write an update on our donor egg IVF cycle, which officially started with medication two days ago (!).

Once we paid the (huge) fee for the procedure, we started getting excited and having many conversations about whether we wanted to transfer one or two embryos. The percentage of success with one embryo is 70% and with two, 80%. Apparently, to most people, 10% seems negligible, but that does not reflect my feelings. Maybe it's my teaching background - the difference between a C and a B - or maybe it's the psychological impact that 8 out of 10 or 80% has on my brain (I want those odds!), but it seems fairly significant to me.

But a 50% chance of twins if we transfer two? Those are significant odds, as well. We are open to twins and would much prefer them to a failed cycle, but we would definitely rather have one than two. Of course, two would be much harder on my (older mom) body and there are increased chances of preeclampsia and pre-term birth, moreso the latter I think.

We also think, however, about using donor egg and how this might increase the desire and benefit for a child to have a sibling. RC was a twin and has positive feelings about that. Twins could be lots of fun, right?! But also expensive and lots - and lots and lots - of work! So, we are continuing to reflect on this and feel into whether at some level we want or would be happy about having twins, which I feel would be a necessary precursor to transferring two.

In terms of concrete actions, I started Lupron day before yesterday. I've administered Lupron subcutaneously to myself before, so it is not too daunting and, strangely, a little bit fun. I just love the feeling of moving forward and each injection contributing to the success of this cycle. Today was my last BCP, so that feels momentous, as well. Hopefully, it's the last pack of pills for the next nine months and maybe ever!

Forthcoming exciting action steps include starting my Estradiol patches on the 14th, then going to Cal IVF for my lining check appointment on the 28th. We know the area a little better now, so rather than booking a hotel close to downtown and some very sketchy areas, we booked a Marriott within walking distance of the clinic. I love staying in (decent) hotels, it's like a fun introvert slumber party for me. They serve warm breakfast in the morning, too - yum.

If all goes well, the donor will donate the eggs on September 2nd, and somewhere around this time, I start dreaded progesterone injections. I have gotten a few helpful tips from friends; if you have any advice on how to make it less intimidating or painful, I would love to hear them. Then, the embryo(s) will be transferred to my uterus around the 7th. I'm so excited. :) Please send us good thoughts!

Another Round of Fertility Procedures (eek!)

This post will be about wrapping up a loose end, than talk about fertility procedures and upcoming appointments...

So, first of all, something has been on my mind for a long time and I want to put it out there, even though I feel nervous and awkward about it. I feel I owe it to my supporters.

A couple of years ago, when I was really excited about a donor embryo program (which happens to be under the umbrella of the same organization where RC and I are currently getting treatments), I launched a fundraising campaign to raise money to make up the difference between the loan for which I qualified and the cost of the program. Despite the generosity of many online friends, and although I raised a respectable amount, I was not able to raise the amount needed to move forward. And then time passed, and through no action on my part, I no longer qualified for the secured loan. Then, I decided to pursue adoption again. Then, I got a job in another county. Then, I moved. Then I met RC, etc. Life kept rolling on, and I didn't have the presence of mind to stop and acknowledge that I never moved forward with the donor embryo program for which I had raised money.

Sooo, I want to acknowledge that now, and once again thank all the kind, generous people who donated to my campaign and supported me in my dream. I appreciate you so much. Those monies were used up in initial testing procedures, the efforts towards adoption and qualifying for my home study, buying items for the nursery, and in the moving transition. But I did not cross the finish line and they did not go towards the bulk of the program cost. Now that RC and I are moving forward again with fertility procedures, I feel that all the support people gave me along the way have brought me to this point, and I'm extremely grateful. I also feel I should offer to give donations back if anyone is uncomfortable with the money not being used directly for the program I was pursuing at that time.

Will you please write me individually if you feel this way, and I will make an effort to return your donation?  Thank you, and thank you very much to everyone for the support you've given me on this very long journey.

With regard to the donor egg IVF program RC and I are currently pursuing, we have the first round of treatments coming up next week! He is having a sperm extraction procedure - I can't spell the name of it at this moment - which is making him feel pretty nervous. From what the doctor told us, we are confident we will end up with more than enough healthy sperm to move forward with the donor egg IVF at the end of August or beginning of September.

When we go in next week for his procedure, I will also get another saline sonogram, since too much time has passed since my last one. Since I had polyps removed in February, I'm hopeful my uterus will look good, fingers crossed. Then, at the beginning of August, our chosen donor will start her medication protocol in preparation for extracting eggs for both us and another couple who is sharing the donation with us. I will also start a medication protocol (mainly estrogen and progesterone I think?) at some point. So that's the plan so far.

I have had some interesting concerns and questions come up around using a donor egg that I didn't necessarily expect. In part, I think it's different using a donor egg and my partner's sperm versus a donor embryo, which to me felt like adoption, but having more control and early connection. In this case, RC WILL have a genetic connection to the child and I will not, which feels unfair in a way. I'm feeling some sadness again about not having the chance to look for my own features in my child and compare similarities with RC.

But then I think about being pregnant and holding MY baby, my child, and the excitement far outweighs the sadness or concern. We were fortunate to be able to choose the donor from their database... our first two choices were not available, but our third choice was, and now I feel like it was the right choice for us. She has a childhood picture in her profile that looks a little like me as a child, she's short and muscular like me, she has short grandmothers like me, she's introverted, smart, kind, and plans to study neuropsychiatry. She has English and Irish heritage, like me, and Scottish like RC, but also has a little Greek and Cherokee, which I've been wrapping my mind around. I'm at the point now where I think that's pretty cool and look forward to exploring that with the child down the road.

I'll probably write more on this later but want to get this post published for now. This is getting really real, and it's giving me butterflies even as I type this!

Tahoe 2018

We returned from Tahoe last Sunday. As usual with my family on vacation, there was a lot of alcohol, so we became a little weary of that, but overall, it was a fun, bonding time. We went out on the boat twice, ate some delicious grilled hamburgers and smoked ribs for the Fourth, played a lot on and around our dock, and had a rockin' dance party with the kids. A few other specific highlights I want to remember:

• Making pie filling and decorating for Fourth of July with my oldest niece J. She is 10 now and tends to be very independent, so it was nice to have some time with her.
• Getting up early and kayaking one morning with RC. The water was fairly smooth, the air was cool, and the view of the lake and mountains was expansive. I love kayaking because it brings you down onto the surface of the lake, and it's really fun and easy to paddle and move through the water.
• My sister and brother-in-law brought these huge inflatable lake toys: a big, pink flamingo, which J enjoyed paddling around, and a huge, several-person raft-type inflatable with an area to lie on adjacent to a circular seating area with room for several people and round open area in the middle so your feet could dangle in the water. We tied the big inflatable to the dock and had several dock chairs, as well, so we had a great place to hang out. The kids (and adults) loved jumping off the end of the dock when they got hot or needed some excitement.
• Chatting to my nephew, E, since he tended to be up earlier than anyone else and would hang out and eat breakfast while R and I made coffee.
• Seeing the changes in my littlest niece, D, and what a happy, engaged, and adventurous little girl she is becoming. Loved holding her hand and playing with her in the sand on the hotel beach where we went to visit my sisters friends one day.
• Sipping bloody mary's and watching a world cup game at a nearby resort with my sister and her family. They got us into it, and we are looking forward to watching the finals this weekend.
• RC and I being a team and getting along throughout the trip. He supported me at one point when I had some family "less than" stuff come up, was great with the kids, and generally fit in great with my family. At one point my sister asked me about marriage (which we've talked about a little lately!) and looking at me in a meaningful way, communicating her approval. Very cool and moving to me.

Next post will be about our upcoming fertility procedures. It's getting real, folks!

Holiday Trip! And sleep struggles...

First, some fabulous news: I got a new (used) MacBook!! I didn't realize how much I missed having a laptop computer until I didn't have one for a month, when I had to return the other one to my school. It's my precious and I love it. lol

In other good news, we leave for Tahoe early Tuesday morning. I'm starting to look forward to it. We have our meals and snacks mapped out and are going shopping on Monday. It's a longer drive from here - about six hours - but it will be worth it. Looking forward to seeing my nieces and nephew, playing on the water, and going out on our dock and out on the boat. We usually go out on the boat at least a couple of times and anchor it in a nice spot so we can go swimming, listen to music, eat lunch, etc. Really looking forward to kayaking this year, too, with both my oldest niece and with RC. We will watch the fireworks off the dock again, which is always fun. Hopefully we can get the radio station tuned to the right channel from the get-go this time and not be scrambling. Fireworks are definitely enhanced with the choreographed music.

In relation to this holiday, I want to mention that I am aware that our government is currently engaging in acts and creating policies that I am very much against. I don't associate Fourth of July with all that; I think of it as an opportunity to gather with family. But I am talking to friends, signing petitions and looking for ways to take further action to express my deep disapproval. I'm also starting to look forward to Michael Moore's movie about our current president...

I also wanted to bring up a topic and hope to hear feedback from some of you who are currently in relationships or have dealt with this in the past. So RC and I have been navigating blending our lives and daily routines. I have mentioned my frustrations with not currently having much going on in terms of my own activities. I'm noticing how much I need to feel a sense of purpose and meaning in my life or I start to get depressed or sometimes feel a lot of anxiety. I have taken this out on RC at times, which isn't really fair, but we are talking about it and working through it together. Additionally, he sometimes gets attached to his routines, so he is looking at that and trying to be a little more flexible. This comes up around cooking and eating, but especially around sleep patterns, as sleep is something he seems to have struggled with ever since we started dating and beforehand, as well.

Yesterday, I got mad because it seemed like he was blaming me or our relationship for his getting less sleep, when, in fact, I know it's been a constant issue for him from long before I came along. I think my anger really stemmed from the fact that I have adjusted my own sleep and tv-watching patterns quite a lot to meet his needs around bedtime and sleep (in general, I'm watching way less tv, which is good, but has also been a source of relaxation for me). I am usually a night owl, going to bed around 11:30pm or midnight. Now, we start getting ready for bed at 10:30 or 10:45 and are in bed or asleep by 11. I usually ask him about his sleep and sympathize with his struggles, as well. So when he sounds critical of me or like he's blaming me at some level, it hurts my feelings and frustrates me.

Have you gone through the process of integrating different sleep patterns in a relationship? How did you do it, or what did you find helpful?

Looking forward

Well, I guess I would say things have improved though I continue to feel a little stuck around creating a routine and daily flow that works for me. I think that comes with having a life of my own, which I don't have here after three weeks. RC has mostly come out of his funk, for which I'm grateful.

I'm looking forward to two upcoming trips. The first one is the family trip to Tahoe over the Fourth of July. We're just going for three days, but I'm excited to see everyone and play in the lake, boating and kayaking and swimming, etc.

The second trip is the one RC and I are taking for the first round of treatments at Cal IVF. It turns out the trip is just a little over four hours, but RC has to be there for the sperm extraction surgery at 8:30am so we're going over the night before. While he's in surgery, I'm going to get the required saline sonogram, so I get to have some fun too. lol Even though they are uncomfortable medical procedures, I'm really excited to move forward on our fertility plans!

Oh and I did hear back from the university, and I did not advance. Boo. I'm continuing to search and apply. Yesterday, RC and I made a list of fun and interesting activities we want to do this summer, so I hope we can start getting out and playing more. He does have an interview tomorrow for a weekend job in a local wine tasting room. Fingers crossed for some badly needed savings income. A friend also contacted me out of the blue for career counseling support. I love it when work comes in without even trying.

A Bumpy Time

I've arrived and gotten mostly settled in RC's place (I guess "our" place now) on the central coast.

Honestly, it's been a mixed bag so far. I don't regret it, but there are challenges. To begin with,  Introverts living together 24/7 is a recipe for some frustration and irritability to come up at times. I have also found it hard to create my own focus and flow, and have realized I do not feel satisfied when I'm in his flow or routine. It seems like he's always puttering around cooking something, taking supplements, or trying to solve a technical issue with the computers. I'm trying to set some goals each day and develop my own routine.

He's also been waking up in a foul mood, lacking sleep the last few days, which sucks because I tend to wake up in a good mood and enjoy being playful. We've been talking about finances, which brings up stress, and this week he decided, and I agreed, that we should cancel our trip to Texas to see his family because we need to continue working on financial health, especially considering we want to move forward with fertility procedures later this summer. He's understandably sad and disappointed about that, and we've had several conversations about it. I feel helpless to make it better and his negative mood is starting to wear on me. How long should it take to grieve and move on from something like that? It's been a few days.

He's especially disappointed that now he won't get to spend Father's Day with his sons and grandkids, which he was envisioning as a healing experience after many years of getting little recognition on that day. I guess his sons are not great at holiday gifts and gestures. Anyway, I understand that but like I mentioned, his depressive state is wearing on me.

On a positive note, the animals have adjusted well and are more comfortable hanging out together and are even playing a little together in funny ways. It's nice having a cat in my life again. And RC and I have had some meaningful conversations and nice walks and meals together. We had a lovely afternoon last weekend doing a little wine tasting, then sitting on the patio listening to a great live singer, sipping wine, and eating charcuterie.

I still haven't heard back from the university in Oregon, which sucks. I'm still trying to remain hopeful. I kind of miss working, which is strange to say, but it does give a sense of purpose, and I enjoy meeting with students/clients.

Saying Goodbyes

The next time I post, I will likely be with RC in Atascadero! This time is filled with significant endings, mainly in the last week and upcoming week,  that I want to share...

1. Spring semester at my school came to an end. It was a big push with a couple of my students to get their work completed to graduate. Also, we had online courses that were "self-paced" (translation: "nightmare!"), which had to be crammed to completion, as well. So I spent a lot of time herding cats, but graduation on Thursday was special and meaningful, and we got through the semester!
2. Related to the end of the semester, I will be giving notice at the community college in the near future. I feel less sure of that, since I was given an abundance of classes to teach in the Fall and went through three interviews before I was offered this job. It's a great school, great area, and a tough one to leave. But having a partner and a family takes precedence, and if I can find employment with the university in Oregon, that will be even better. I applied for unemployment on Friday, based on receiving no summer assignment, and will give my notice as soon as that is established.
3. After all the intensity of celebrations and goodbyes on Thursday and Friday, I had my last Chalice Circle group gathering at the UU church I've been attending in Petaluma. The theme was goodbyes and OMG y'all, I was so exhausted I was falling asleep in the initial round of sharing. It didn't help that everyone was sharing about the most impactful deaths in their life. Normally, I would be fine and in my empathic counseling mode, but I was not. up. for. it. that night. I apologized and luckily the next round was a little lighter. I'm glad I went for closure and hope to keep in touch with one or two of the women in the group. Through the course of our group meetings and discussions, I did realize that I am more God-focused, even more of a very progressive/liberal Christian, than the general culture of the UU church, so I will probably look for a Unity or other similar-type church wherever RC and I end up.
4. Now, comes the last of this series of endings: leaving Petaluma and moving out of my house here. Everything has been in disarray since RC was here a week or two ago and we completed a first round of moving stuff into the pod. He arrives again tomorrow for the final push. We will have the guy who helped us last time come again on Wednesday to get everything else out. Then, left with only a blow-up bed and a few necessities, we will sleep a last night in this place and drive down to Atascadero Thursday morning, with Zoey of course. Zoey will be in for a big adjustment time learning to live with RC's cat, Calvin. Luckily they've spent time together already, so we won't be starting from ground zero. I'm a little sad to leave Petaluma, as I really enjoyed living here, especially being in walking distance to downtown and all it's restaurants, shops, and community events - not to mention wine tasting which I did for a last hurrah yesterday late afternoon/early evening. As far as this too-small, funky little townhouse, situated in a too-loud, messy complex? No sadness at leaving that in the rearview mirror.

My last topic is related to beginnings not endings: we are thiiiis close to making a final decision on the three egg donor choices we need to provide to Cal IVF! It's been quite an interesting and fun process, not unlike my process of choosing a sperm donor way back when. We identified and honed the parameters most important to us and made a comparison table with all the relevant data. We had multiple conversations, both in-person last time he was here and over the phone in the last week, mulling over the pictures, genetics, health, and personality/essays of the several candidates in whom we were interested.

All of our current final three candidates, like me, are reflective and thoughtful, are focused on a career in psychology, have a passion for music, writing, and/or the arts, and are active and athletic. The looks side of things was interesting... I wanted women who shared my family traits in terms of hair and eye color as much as possible, and we wanted to feel warmth or "drawn to" their pictures. One of the candidates doesn't meet the warmth factor to the level we would prefer, especially for RC, but she was attractive and everything else is great, so overall she seems like a good choice.

We had one bump in the road when we were told our top choice was no longer available, as she had just been chosen for her final (6th!) donation. It's disappointing but out of our control, so I choose to believe the donor we end up with is the one we were meant to have.

Our next steps are to have the couple's psychological consultation week after next and then RC will go for his sperm extraction procedure in July. At that time, I will also likely undergo another saline sonogram, as unfortunately the one I had before was too long ago.

Please send good thoughts for my move and settling in to RC's  place for the summer. I'm praying it goes relatively smoothly!

Over the Hump

It's been almost a month since I posted! I've been pretty occupied with gearing up for this move. The Variety Show I organized for the students went pretty well. We didn't have a huge turnout for the show, but I considered it a success that most of them did actually perform something and have that success and added confidence going forward. My program Director also posted the show on FB so it got out to more folks and was positive for the program.

RC has been here for the past week supporting me to prepare for moving lots of my stuff into the pod yesterday.  We ended up hiring a guy from Craigslist to help us with labor, as there were a few things that he and couldn't have moved on our own. We are now on the other side, and I feel super relieved! My place has emptied out and now just has necessities to get through the next 10 or so days. RC is coming back in about a week, next Monday, for the final load-in, and then we head down the coast to his place. Crazy!

We have had some tension this week, because he had expectations of how the week would go with him being here - that it would mainly be about him physically moving stuff. But for me, and I tried to communicate this to him but not clearly enough, the initial task was providing moral support and provide energy/encouragement to get some challenging organizing/packing steps done. A big challenge was that I had to work last week, so he was at my house feeling frustrated during the day  because he felt he couldn't move forward on that much.

But to me, it was hugely helpful to do certain things, like: move the boxes out from under the stairs so I could sort through them and repack some of them; buy more boxes and packing stuff at the store; repack a storage bin that had collapsed and take apart the crib and desk, etc. I had a little energy left when I got home to do a few things, but then I needed to rest and recharge for the next day of work. I knew tasks were moving forward in the way they needed to though, whereas he couldn't see it as much because it wasn't his stuff.

Anyway, we ended up talking it through Friday evening and Saturday morning I got a bunch of stuff done for when the moving guy came at 11:30. We had a wonderful walk around the lake that we like to do and a nice dinner where he actually broached the topic of marriage (!), so the week is ending well. I'm going to go make him breakfast before he has to drive back. Feeling a lot of gratitude and excitement about future possibilities. I also had a phone interview with that university in Eugene this week - more on that later!

Big Changes

Sunday morning, April 22...beautiful day here in Northern California. Feeling grateful for the weekend and catching up on sleep after a hectic week, including a tech rehearsal for the Variety Show I'm producing for our program as drama club advisor, and the show is coming together, though I have felt like I am herding cats for much of the process. After next Thursday evening, the show will be complete, and I will have a lighter load.

I've been spending some time this weekend planning and thinking through action steps to prepare for moving in with RC at the end of May. We came up with this new plan after he had a mini-breakdown thinking of moving up here right now. He has lived in his place much longer than I have and will be getting rid of lots of stuff in the move. Also, he has a strong support system down there, and he just started an intensive 12-week online program to become a fitness trainer.

As we talked through it more fully, it does make sense that I put my stuff in storage and move down there. I have no work up here - he can work some part-time concert event hours down there at a winery - and I can get unemployment wherever I am located. Also, I am seeing it as an opportunity to really focus on creating my online introvert/professional career transition program.

The negatives include: his place is not very nice, as I mentioned earlier; I have pack up all my stuff again after doing that just a year ago; and we will be living on the Central Coast in a location that is less desirable than my current neighborhood.

I think the positives outweigh the negatives, though, and include: saving money through paying less rent and his additional income; simplifying my life so I can really focus on creating this online program; he and I spending quality time together this summer in-between both of us focusing on completing online programs - he from the student side and me from the counseling/coaching side; and giving him more time to sort through his stuff and decide what to get rid of, keep, or store.

The negatives are mediated by the fact that it will be time limited - two or three months at the most - after which we plan to move closer to family in Eugene or Austin! We have been talking about this since we met and will likely be taking a short trip in June to visit his family and check out Austin. At this point, Eugene is looking much more likely because he really liked it there and my family has the athletic club business where he could work part-time, to supplement his retirement income. But I'm open to falling in love with Austin and switching gears if both of us feel that way and see a positive future there. As a side note, I have applied for a job at the university in Eugene, which could definitely be a factor, as well.

Spending some time on the Central Coast also has perks in that I have a couple of friends to spend time with down there from when I lived in the area (where we met), and it really does have some beautiful hikes and state parks, some along the ocean. His friend has a winery, as well, which might be a benefit and a fun place to visit.

I guess overall it makes sense, but it's a huge pain in the immediate time frame of May when I will be packing up! He's coming down to help in a couple of weeks. I'm going to get a pod so that we don't have to unload the stuff into storage and can just move it up the coast to Oregon, if that's where we decide to settle, or to Austin if the ship turns in that direction.

Of course, my priority remains having a child through the California ivf donor egg program, and a big reason to save money is so that we can go forward with that in late July or August. It makes sense that we stay in California through August so that we can drive to complete the treatments there, versus having to fly. In the meanwhile, I have started working out and taking supplements and will continue to work towards being as healthy as possible before the transfer. Our next steps are my getting all the fertility tests done again, and he doing some tests then going through sperm extraction and freezing, probably at the end of June or beginning of July.

How's that for some big changes?

A Fertile Spring

Amazing to look at the calendar and see April 7th! RC left last Monday after a two-week stay.  It's weird how our time together seems to go through different "phases.". I guess we haven't settled into a routine or consistent pattern. For example, the first part of the trip was about co-housing and exploring a local co-housing community and open house. We talked a lot about how we would like to live in an intentional community like that for the benefits of community meals and events, resource sharing, and a child growing up in a loving extended family-type environment.

The second phase was getting matching tattoos from a well-known local tattoo place. I will add a picture to this post later, but I'm happy with how they turned out. Lots of pain, however. Yes, you do feel like a badass and yes, you do get an endorphin rush that is very interesting and relieving when it finally kicks in. Getting these tattoos brought home the level of commitment we are making.

After the tattoos, I experienced what I might call a minor emotional backlash, in which I felt questioning and at times judgmental towards RC and the ways that we are different. We continued our reading in a spiritual relationship book, which opened up sadness about this backlash and it's impact on our relationship. I talked about my worry a little bit; that it's come up when I don't feel he's tuning in or really listening to me, especially with regard to ideas or intellectual thoughts, and that I was afraid we may not be as compatible on that level as I would like.

In this conversation, I learned more about him and his engineering background, and I felt reassurance that he cared and wanted to listen to me in a way that met my needs to matter and feel like he was interested in my thoughts. I recognized that my distancing through judgment is toxic and gets in the way of experiencing the love and joy that both of us want to feel. I'm trying to remember that and make adjustments when I slip into this pattern that started long before him.

In the next phase, we drove to Sacramento for a Cal IVF consultation, which was VERY exciting to both of us, to say the least. We talked there and back about it in the car, then went out for drinks and food and talked some more. I researched information on questions that came up, including supplements and other strategies to support implantation, as well as donor IVF statistics, etc.

The first step is for RC to go through a sperm extraction process, which a specialist does at the center. We weren't sure how reliable or successful this process would be, but he was beyond encouraging, giving 96% odds of healthy, usable sperm samples. We could then choose an egg donor, looking at pictures and background information, that hopefully resembles me. They require ICSI with the IVF procedure. If it doesn't work, then statistically we should have frozen embryos for a second try. RC looked up financial information and said he could borrow from his retirement account to cover costs.

But...later on, he had a lot of anxiety come up around adding to his debt load right now. He would have to pay back the money on his retirement account, apparently, and it would add a substantial monthly payment to current expenses. The last couple of nights he didn't sleep very well because he was anxious about this, but either he wasn't fully aware of why he was anxious or he wasn't able to tell me for some reason. In any case, it created a little tension in the last couple days before he left.

After he got home, he reflected and wrote about it, becoming more clear about his feelings so he could share them with me. Right now, he is doing some work on his budget/spending plan, and we are both talking about how we can afford the extra payments. The way I'm seeing it now (and hoping and praying for) is that we could move forward in August or September. In the meanwhile, we can work on getting more healthy, eating well, doing required fertility testing and choosing a donor. Financial changes coming down the pike include:

• He is currently completing a three-month fitness-trainer certification program, which guarantees employment and will add to our income.
• Although I am not working at the college this summer, I will receive unemployment, then start teaching my three classes (an increase in the income I have been receiving) in mid-August.
• As soon as school ends next month, I will begin attending the local BNI business networking chapter to increase local contacts and client referrals. By this Tuesday, I also plan to publish a newsletter and schedule a new local Meetup event, also in hopes of connecting with new clients. The two clients who just finished their sessions with me have also said they may want additional help in a month.
• Lastly, when RC moves here on May 19th, he will start paying half the rent, which will open up more money in my budget to cover the IVF loan payment (first to cover my budget shortage on unemployment, then to cover the payment).

Regarding the adoption plan, we have been feeling torn. My agency has said they do not want clients pursuing fertility treatments at the same time as trying to adopt. Our energy and excitement right now is towards the donor IVF option. So, I think right now, we will likely focus on that, but I am worried about stepping back from that route after all the effort I've put towards it. I think it's probably the right thing to do, though...

Overall, however, many developments to happily anticipate. I'm so glad Spring is slowly slipping into view. Flowers blooming and smelling heavenly, temperature creeping up. It seems timely, as our energy and excitement are rising, as well.

Emotional and "Real World" Progress

Life keeps rolling along... relationships take focus and energy; I find myself with less blogging motivation. But I still appreciate having a space to process and record the journey, so here I am again.

I started seeing a cognitive behavioral counselor yesterday for help working through intimacy and commitment fears, which I recently identified as a specific phobia and OCD, without the compulsions. Somehow, it's helpful to have a label for these fears and anxieties that arise in the context of intimate relationship, often in the form of judgments. It's already led to some helpful insights and reframing.

One of the underlying fears is that if I commit to something that is not "perfection," then I will lose the opportunity to be "un-abandoned" and have ideal, completely safe unconditional love and merging with someone. I will also become dependent on one person to meet all my needs. There is a sense I will be "trapped."

Obviously, these thoughts and fears are not rational and have as one main source my mother dying when I was four-years-old (and never really bonding with my step-mother). I think there are other layers, sources, and faulty beliefs acquired over the years, as well.

My relationship with RC has continued to grow. We connect emotionally, spiritually, romantically, and sexually. Also mentally, but a little less than I hope it grows into, as he engages more with an external passion or interest. Though we are physically affectionate and regularly sexual, I would like more fire from him, in terms of feeling his intense desire for me. I realized this dynamic of someone wanting me helps spark my own passion. He says he is strongly attracted to me and hasn't really felt this type of unbridled intense physical passion with someone before, that he can remember. So, it's something he's asking himself about - how can he feel open to losing some control in that way?

Overall, I feel excited and happy, hopeful about our future. We are having some spontaneous and relaxed, playful phone calls, which I am enjoying. I can be my quirky, silly self with him and feel comfortable. I can get frustrated or have strong feelings with him and feel comfortable. He is starting to show me edges I haven't seen before, which, while sometimes uncomfortable, I really appreciate.

So, we are moving forward both emotionally and in the "real world," as he is planning to move up here with me in May. This will only be about seven months into our romantic relationship, but considering our past friendship of several years, during which we spent a lot of time together, I think we are at a different place than many couples would be. I am tired of trying to maintain our intimacy over long distance between times we are together. I'm also really looking forward to having a life companion and someone who is "with" me in the journey of adopting or having a child. Combining finances and splitting rent will certainly not hurt my security and stability either.

He's coming up here for a couple of weeks over Spring Break, starting next weekend, during which we plan to get matching tattoos (!). Not the elaborate one we've talked about, but a simple celtic-style one of a combined heart and infinity sign. I'm excited to spend more time with him and learning more about each other and getting comfortable living with one another. So glad that my procedure is behind me and we won't have that stress and annoyance hanging over us!

Valentine's Visit - Part2

 Sorry, that was more of a delay between posts than I intended… Things have been a little hectic, but overall I'm feeling good.

To finish sharing about RC's visit,  we had a wonderful Valentines dinner at the same place we went for my birthday. We were seated in the back room so it felt a little more intimate, and we both ordered surf and turf with steak and scallops. Amazing! I think we both ate nearly all of it.

Backing up a little, I had to work during Valentine's Day. When I got home, RC had red roses, a balloon saying I love you, chocolate and red wine waiting for me. All the traditional romantic stuff; very sweet. We spent a few hours before our late dinner – we made our reservation last minute, oops - enjoying our own private party at my place. We lit candles, played music and danced, and did some creative stuff like drawing animals on cards, then picking one and looking up its symbolism.

We also had some deeper conversation about tension that's come up a couple times during the transition into going to sleep. In part, it was because we have developed our own nightly rituals and they weren't fitting together well. He has insomnia and is currently smoking a little pot before bed to help. I don't have a problem with that except for that then we are on different wavelengths and he has diminished communication skills. I like to take my melatonin, then look at my phone for a while until I feel sleepy...but then he was waiting for me so that we could cuddle a little and kiss good night, which was just not working for either of us. Anyway we talked this out and came up with some good strategies, so that was positive. We had a fun time dressing up for dinner, too.

My procedure was rescheduled for the following Tuesday. He planned to leave Wednesday morning, so, after Valentine's Day, we had a few days through the weekend to spend together. Our activities included:

• Going to the DMV together to get some paperwork I needed. So nice to have a partner in these practical things. Grocery shopping was also fun, though it would be more fun if he wasn't so restricted on his diet! 
• Taking a walk around the lake at the sanctuary we visited before. I love this. It's so beautiful, and we end up having some really meaningful conversation while walking with Zoey. 
• Watching our show together at night. We have developed a ritual of watching a Netflix series together and texting comments during it when we are apart, so it was fun to watch and comment in person. 
• Enjoying a yummy brunch of blueberry pancakes (gluten-free for him), bacon, and fruit. He ends up doing more of the dinner cooking, in large part because he makes things he knows he can eat. I usually help out by making a salad or prepping the veggies or something, but he often does the majority. I love making breakfast and desserts, so I feel good to be able to cook for him in those ways. 
• Taking Zoey for her daily walks together, often late at night when she has free run of the park. It feels romantic holding hands and looking at the stars, although we have to pay attention to navigating her leash and uneven surfaces in the dark. I may not have mentioned but RC is not the most coordinated person…He has fallen several times over the years, so I feel like I need to look out for him sometimes in that way. 
• Envisioning our lives with a child and what decisions and activities may be part of the journey. 
• Drinking a little too much wine one night and laughing hysterically. I don't think the jokes would translate LOL but boy were they funny at the time.  
• Part of the reason we got so tipsy that evening was because we started in the afternoon with some winetasting. Winetasting is so fun! It was a sunny day, we were out on the patio, and we took the opportunity to review and revise the goal cards we initially created on New Year's. Then we walked around downtown and ended up making an appointment to get a collaboratively-designed tattoo over spring break. Eek
• The day before my procedure, we went to get some lunch, during which we also looked at an anxiety/phobia workbook (more on that later). I started feeling really crabby and unsettled for no real reason. We had talked before about how we are both introverts and need to set boundaries and take alone time, but had so far not managed to follow through. This day, after walking out to the car, I just blurted out, "I need some alone time!" He said he could walk home, but I said, "Well, that's about 15-20 minutes; I need an hour." So, he decided to walk around downtown, and I went home. You would not believe what a difference it made! Within a half hour, I was thinking of him and missing him a little, and when he got home, we shared an emotional embrace, feeling a lot of love and warmth towards one another. Interesting.

The last experience I want to share is getting the hysteroscopy done to remove my uterine polyp. The doctor was so awesome. He explained the details thoroughly and also added some humor, putting us at ease. I was really nervous the day before and when I woke up that morning, but taking the hydrocodone and anti-anxiety medication they gave me an hour before we went really helped. I thought the two fibroids would be removed also, but he explained that they were in the outer lining of the uterus and weren't causing any problems. Also, they can only be removed through more invasive laparoscopy. Best of all, the procedure was not painful, and he was obviously very skilled; it seems like it was done in no time.

RC drove me through the McDonald's drive-through on the way home as a reward, and I spent much of the day resting with him, but honestly I didn't feel too bad. I just took the pain medication on the schedule they suggested and didn't really feel much cramping at all. Here's to not having ongoing random bleeding!

p.s. We cheated and tried some "modified" sexual activity. It didn't seem to create any negative effects, and it was a connected way to end our trip. :) 

Valentine's Visit - Part 1

RC arrived for a 9-day visit last Saturday. We have been getting used to each other again, talking and spending time at my place, as well as doing "normal" activities like grocery shopping and picking up a few items at T@rget.

This time, he decided to bring his beautiful, orange kitty cat, Calvin, so it has been fun and entertaining watching Calvin and Zoey interact and gradually make (sometimes an uneasy) peace with each other. They are definitely not in the cuddling or grooming each other phase, but they can walk by each other more easily now and even lie next to one another on the floor.

When RC first arrived, after not seeing each other since January 2nd, I felt a powerful wave of joy and attraction to him. The intensity of this was unexpected. He looked so good and I just wanted to be close to him and look at him. Of course, that has mellowed, but I'm still feeling super happy to have him around. We have been watching some TV in the evening, but for the most part, have been out and about or eating meals. We also did a guided meditation at one point up in my room, which was lovely.

Yesterday afternoon, we finally watched the movie, "The Shape of  Water, which was dramatic, touching, and romantic. Then, later on, we went out to one of our favorite local restaurants, Central Market. We ordered oyster shooters to start, then he had chicken and I had a super yummy chorizo and mussel dish, accompanied by a nice red wine.

As of yesterday morning, back is out of alignment or something and I've been experiencing some pain. RC has been caring and helpful with that. After reading that we could not be intimate for at least a week, possibly longer, following the hysteroscopy procedure, I decided to postpone it for a month or so until my spring break in March. So it's ironic that my back pain is getting in the way of us being intimate, though we did have a chance to connect in that way for a day or two before it flaired up.

I may regret postponing the procedure but literally started crying when I read that guideline and felt that we really needed to have normal connection this week after over a month apart and going through the progesterone hell. It's not an urgent situation, so I don't think another month will make a difference. And maybe it will allow us to time the procedure better in terms of my cycle and lining production, etc.

Today, we plan to walk around downtown, back permitting, and maybe revisit the goal cards we first created on New Year's, as well as guide him through a career values exercise I've been meaning to share. I think I may have said that he's  been in semi-retirement after burning out of a PG&E management job of several decades, and he's wanting to find more meaningful work for the next 10-15 years.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and I look forward to creating some romantic memories, including another nice dinner. Hope your day is filled with love and connection, as well.

Health Update

So I spoke with my doctor on Monday, and she solved the bleeding mystery. Unfortunately, it wasn't the best case scenario I'd hoped for, but it wasn't the worst case scenario either.

She said I have a polyp in the uterine lining that has disrupted the natural formation and shedding cycle; thus, the odd spotting/bleeding. Additionally, I have two small fibroids, one outside the uterus and one inside that are, I guess, re-growing since my surgery a few years ago. Boo.

The good news is that I can get all that taken care off with a hysteroscopy, at the same time I get the uterine biopsy. Just now, in this moment, the question arises for me as to "why" I still need the biopsy if we have determined the reason for the problems. But I guess it's a good idea to play it safe.

I'm going to the medical center today to sign the consent and pick up the medications, then the outpatient procedure is scheduled for the 12th. RC will be here that week and can be my ride, as I'll be kind of out of it.

I wonder if I can go to work the following day? Anyone know? I think I had a biopsy a long time ago but I don't remember, and this is also removing the polyp and fibroids. She said there might be some cramping, but I go home right after the procedure.

There was a question as to whether my lining would  be "too thick" when they do the procedure. As mentioned the (less than stellar) doctor I originally saw put me on progesterone until last Friday. It worked perfectly, as it stopped the spotting and when I went off it, my full period came four days later.

But apparently, there would ideally be less time between my cycle ending and date of the procedure. There was "no way" that I was going back on progesterone, however, as it just about drove me, and RC, insane. We did move the procedure up a few days from Friday to Monday, though, and she seemed to think that would be okay.

That's the latest news...please send good thoughts that this procedure goes well and I can put this whole "interesting" health journey behind me. I'm sooo glad the wicked month of January is over, and I am looking forward to my training next week and RC's visit and I guess just generally getting my health and life stabilized again.

Developments: Body, Business, Baby, Boyfriend

As I mentioned in my last post, I had been having off and on spotting but not a true cycle for over a month, so after a visit to the doctor, I was put on progesterone tablets to try and  reboot my cycle. My last day on these pills was yesterday, thank God.

It is an understatement to say my mood was affected.  At one point, I said to RC on the phone, "I'm just so angry!" lol  Several times, I've become bent out of shape about things that normally would be no big deal. Poor RC. And on top of that, I haven't had energy to do anything but go to work and come home and do a chore here and there when I have to.

The good news is, I am done with the pills, and they did work as far as stopping the bleeding immediately after I began taking them. I had an ultrasound yesterday, but I don't get to know the results until I talk to the doctor early next week. She measured a lot of things, including from what I could see pretty large follicles.

Hopefully I'll get a full cycle in a few days. Fingers crossed. I really hope I don't have fibroids redeveloping. Best case scenario, maybe it was a a cyst coupled with stress and some hormone imbalance causing the problems.

I do have some work developments to report. As background, when we started back this semester, I asked my program director what were the chances that I would have a counseling job in the program next fall. I asked her because last semester we found out that my college would no longer be paying for college counselors in the program. I had heard she was looking for other ways to pay for counseling, but these would likely involve high school district funding, not college.  She replied that there would be maybe a 35% chance of my employment in the fall.

Well, needless to say that was not reassuring, and I began talking to RC about some different options like considering a move to Oregon or to Austin where his family lives. It was actually kind of exciting to consider these possibilities, and I even applied for a couple of jobs in these cities.

But then suddenly life, as it can do, took a turn. I got a call from my college counseling department chair, and she proceeded to offer me three classes to teach in the fall! Two Introduction to Career Counseling courses and one College Survival Skills course. I had bid on a lot of classes, but considering I'm still fairly new to the college and hadn't had luck bidding before, I didn't expect to be offered anything. Then, to be offered three was shocking!

Of course, I.immediately said yes, knowing I could change my mind later. But I don't think that will happen unless I were offered a job somewhere else. Plus, it supports my continued adoption efforts in this area versus starting over.

Speaking of adoption efforts, I have received no further news of being submitted for a match, since my social worker submitted me for a an 18-month boy at the beginning of this month.  That was an exciting couple of days until I heard I was not chosen.

There are a couple events coming up, however, that I'm looking forward to. The first one is an adoption fair next Thursday in a town about an hour and a half south. My worker will be there and said she would bring the home study/family packets I can share with county representatives.

The second one is a training February 9th through my agency called, "Nurtured Heart Training."  I generally enjoy trainings and want to learn as much as I can, so I'm looking forward to it.

RC has completed and submitted all his paperwork, which means if a child was suddenly placed with me, he can stay in the same house and even watch the child if needed. We have ventured into talking about what it might be like if he moved up here this summer and stayed with me in my place for a while. It would be challenging for sure, and he would definitely need to put a lot of stuff in storage.

But talking through it, it would be possible I think, at least in the shorter term of a year or two.  If we didn't live several hours apart, we might wait a little longer, but all things considered, neither of us enjoy the long drives and a long distance relationship isn't sustainable. Yikes!  We'll see...

Wrapping Up and Moving Forward

Sometimes I can't believe how time flies by! I'm ready to be done talking about the holidays, but I do want to write a brief record of RC and my final days of holiday break here where I live, and also share a couple more recent happenings...

After Christmas-time in Oregon, it felt good to get here and relax more and make our own schedule. We walked around downtown, as we like to do, and one afternoon, we went to the sanctuary/recreation area where he had spread his families ashes. It was much different this time, with lots of folks walking around the long, scenic circular pathway, so we - RC, Zoey, and I -  joined in and began walking and talking.

After a while, we got into some deeper conversation about the prospect of my adopting a child. Every time this comes up, I feel him lean into it and really seem interested and "with" me in the journey. This feels wonderful. Although I was and am prepared to move forward alone, I've always felt I would do better as a parent with a partner. Partly because of being introverted and partly because I'm not a super organized, decisive person. I think I would benefit from collaborative decision making and sharing the logistics. In any case, so far, I feel good about our conversations.

He asked about what would be required of him as far as background check, finger printing, etc., and I said I would ask my social worker. I did ask her later and forwarded the information and forms for finger printing, TB and health checkup to him. He has a doctor's appointment scheduled for a week or two and has taken the next steps to complete the background check, as well.

The last holiday experience I want to share is New Year's Eve... We went shopping, watched some TV, and took a nap, then got ready and headed down to an oyster bar we had been wanting to try. We ordered this delicious fresh seafood tray, with four types of oysters, uber-fresh shrimp, salmon, and a couple other types of raw or smoked fish. So good! Accompanied by some yummy Pinot. It felt romantic, too, as we sat at the bar and held hands under the counter.

Afterwards, we went home and spent some meaningful time on a NYE ritual of releasing the old and welcoming in the new. We did some writing and discussed these things in-depth, especially our goals for the new year. We even made some goal cards and set the intention to read them every night and chip away at them, creating new goals when these are complete. We also drank a glass of super expensive Cab -  not so great! That was the only disappointing part of the evening. Price often leads to most yummy with wine, but not always. We ended the evening listening to bands on TV and watching the ball drop.

In the big picture, everything is not perfect, but so far, I'm feeling really good about moving forward. Occasionally, I seem to hit an "intimacy wall," where I feel overwhelmed. This has happened two or three times now, and he has been able to hear me and talk through it, without escalating or withdrawing, like what used to happen with my ex. Having someone new in my space, with all that entails, can feel overwhelming to the senses. I'm sure this is partly due to the fact that I'm an HSP (highly sensitive person), which means being extra sensitive to lights, smells, sounds, energy, etc. So, having lots of "foreign" sensory input from someone other than myself can feel scary sometimes. I think fear of intimacy because of my past can at times heighten these sensitivities. So far, we've been able to navigate this well. I'm strongly attracted to him and being physically playful is fun!

Since he left, we have resumed our daily texting and talking on the phone a couple times a week, sometimes more. A new development is that when something significant happens, he is the first person I want to call. When I call, he's usually available and I appreciate the support and being able to talk through things. He has especially been there for me through one particular ongoing development...

As some of you know, I had a bleeding event over the holidays; basically bleeding off an on for a month. He was my partner through that, including a short time when we even considered we might be pregnant (it was not rational, as those who have gone through infertility know about), and when I went to the doctor and had an upsetting experience with an attempted non-medicated uterine biopsy, he was there to support me.

As an update, I have an ultrasound scheduled for the 23rd to check on my lining (and see if I had a cyst) and a phone call with the doctor calendared soon after. I'm taking progesterone for three weeks to hopefully "reboot" my body, fingers crossed. If the doctor - MY doctor not the one I scheduled through Kaiser online - affirms I need a uterine biopsy, you can bet I'm getting all the good drugs I can. A friend said they won't prescribe drugs for those in her state. WTF?! Not okay. I won't get started, but my strong belief is that if we can prevent or mediate pain, we absolutely should, unless there is a compelling reason the patient chooses not to.

There are some developments with work and plans that RC and I are considering, including upcoming trips, but I'll share more about those in another post. For today, I am appreciating this three-day weekend and catching up on laundry and sleep.