Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Eeeeek!!!  I'm freaking out a bit so please excuse this random post about signs and symptoms.

So I felt some pulsing sensations in my lower right abdomen on Thursday - oddly right in the middle of my work team meeting at the college.

Last night I felt ravenous and literally devoured a can of smoked oysters.  It's not odd for me to eat oysters, but the way I devoured them was strange.

I've had really wild, intense dreams the past few night with archetypal images like dogs, horses, food (lots of food - dessert and chocolate), and family members.  Last night had lots of little kids, including my sister and her daughter J, although they were siblings in the dream.  I was responsible for the kids and keeping track of them but they were running all over or something.

Then, today, something tangible:  I have pink spotting!  Which I've had before, as you might recall, but it was always later in the cycle.  And it only happened two or three times, on cycles where I had been trying and likely implantation did start to happen.

Finally, the last crazy obsessive point I'll make here today:  the online psychic I emailed with a few months ago said she saw a girl born in "December of 2012."  Actually, she said I would either conceive in December of 2011, which clearly was a bust, or have the baby in December of 2012.

Thanks for listening to my wacky thoughts!  Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!

Giving it the Last-Minute Try

I'm so excited that some blog friends trying to conceive have been getting BFPs.  A big twin-size Congratulations to Jen!  And sending lots of good thoughts to Mo as she goes for her first ultrasound tomorrow.

I'm not sure I want to talk about it much yet because the dust is settling and more talking will be done this weekend (it's not going to be back to where we were before).  But regardless of the outcome, S and I jumped on the crazy train and gave it another try this month.  Soooo, yeah.

The timing was right, cycle days 13/14, with reference to when I usually ovulate, though I was not tracking with temps or ovu predictors.  And for the first time with us trying, I had noticeable "eggwhite" cm, so that seemed a good sign.

One odd physical symptom I've had for over month now is really sore breasts.  Which could either indicate I'm in peri-menopause, be a reaction to going off prenatal supplements, or be a hormonal reaction to eating more fat in my diet or something.  Anyone else had this happen out of the blue?

On top of that, I've experienced a couple significant breast pangs in the last day and also had twinges in what felt like the right place.  But at just a few days post ovulation, I think it's early and likely means nada.

This may not make sense, but, regardless, I'm happy with this opportunity to try - even taking into account the obsessive aspect of the two-week-wait!

SOCAP SOUL and Love

I attended the most amazing conference last weekend at the San Francisco Hub: SOCAP SOUL.

Here's the website description for those interested:

What if your job, your finances, and your  community  were all aligned with what you  value? SOCAP has created a special event, SOCAP: Soul, to help answer  that question.

Social entrepreneurs and investors, faith leaders and activists, cultural creatives, and thought  leaders are all seeking to align what they care about with their jobs, and with the way they spend and invest their money.

We’re coming together as a movement of people who see the intersection of money and meaning as imperative not only to business – but also for our families and neighbors, for ourselves and people around the world.

Be inspired by speakers who have made these decisions. Explore models and find others along the same path. Find a better way forward for this world and yourself.

The two words that keep emerging for me around it are "affirming" and "inspiring."  They had several panels of amazing people and a breakout discussion group of people in various points of transition toward creating more meaningful work for themselves.  I still need to type up my notes and plan next action steps, so more reflections to follow in later posts.  But WOW!

I feel such a mixture of feelings in my life right now, but on a Spiritual level, I am receiving a lot of positive information from various sources around the potential of creating new, more localized / meaningful / sustainable forms of economy and work.  I wish I were further along in the journey, but I guess that's typical!

Brief check-in on the man front.... S and I are talking (I know, collective groan), ha!  But we are not committed or "back together."

He said he was very mad at himself (along with me) about going to the unilateral decision place.  He expressed feeling overwhelmed and scared about me breaking up suddenly again and about whether he can do the work he needs to do on himself while in relationship.

We are working on staying a lot more connected when talking about difficult things by holding each other and breathing in a meditative way at the beginning of our meetings.  It may sound strange, but it has been a surprisingly helpful technique so far.

Perhaps oddly, I went on a date with a guy from Mat.ch on Monday night.  He seemed to like me and kissed me at the end of the night.  On my side, it was an interesting, pleasant time, but the kiss was too much.  It made me realize I'm not emotionally available to date other people right now, even if it makes part of me feel more protected and safe/less vulnerable.

S is away for the week at an NVC workshop at Esalen; a beautiful, blissed-out, hippie retreat center on the California Central Coast.  I have my appointment with a therapist next week, which I'm looking forward to...so perhaps this is a time of trying to work on ourselves and do some talking in a "no idea what the hell we are or what comes next" kind of place.  Yikes.

Dark and Random Thoughts

Random, thoughts for a rainy Wednesday (on the dark side so feel free to skip)...

• On efforts toward ttc.  As I've mentioned, it was such a nice change to be trying with a partner for the last half of last year.  We were planning on pulling out bigger guns after December.  I now wonder if S had cold feet around that idea which influenced his behavior to some degree.  I don't want to believe that, but when I look back at certain red flags, I do wonder.   For instance, when we both got onto his health care plan in November, I was most excited about the resources this opened up around ttc.  His reaction was decidedly deflating at that point, though we had discussed this benefit in the past.  

• So I'm still on the health plan.  I suppose since we seem to be broken up for the long hall, I should exit the plan and go back onto the minimalist plan I was on before.  It's so hard to accept that I may be out of time to try with my own eggs.  At 43, I feel like this is the last year I could reasonably try with injectables or IVF.  But I don't have the resources for either of those choices on my own.  It's depressing and brings up a lot of despair in me right now. 

• I feel like I'm drifting through life.  I honestly wonder if I have the fortitude and strength of character to build a full life on my own.  Has anyone else felt this way?  With S, I could see so many possibilities in terms of manifesting my dreams:  living in community, creating my own home and family, collaborating on Transition/sustainability projects together.  The idea of doing these things alone feels daunting and unattainable.  

• Finances come into play, I think, but just as important is having the stamina and energy.  I generate a lot of energy from interacting with someone else: brainstorming, acting as each others' sounding board, helping to making decisions, staying accountable, garnering more courage to stretch and try new things, motivating to engage with new projects and people.  I'm not an extrovert "go getter" by nature.  On my own, I tend to hibernate and withdraw.  I try to work against this tendency in myself, but I haven't been incredibly successful.  

• For example, my dancing, which is integral to my joy and sense of self, has been stuck in a rut for a while now.  I know that it would be "good for me" to expand my dance venues beyond my small, safe Sunday morning dance, but I fear the unknown.  This week, I put out feelers to local dance friends asking about attending the larger, weekly Dance Journey dance with me this Friday.  If no one else steps up, my intention is to go anyway.  I wish I had someone to hold me accountable and kick my butt if need be!

• I also know that I downplay and underestimate myself.  I actually have a lot of accomplishments under my belt.  But my most meaningful life goals seem elusive.  Maybe I'm just situationally depressed.

p.s. I have been continuing to talk collaboration with the administrator of that local economy/jobs website called PermaculturExchange.  Our project focus has been morphing it's focus, but I hope to begin some outreach to potential organizations/employers with project work needs in the near future.

p.p.s.  In rereading this post, it struck me that being with a partner, and being with S, doesn't necessarily make me a stronger person, but it makes me feel safer.  I feel like I'm not all alone in the world, struggling like a fish upstream.  Perhaps it numbs or cushions my raw, existential angst.  It also cushions me financially - that is the hard truth.  I think in an "ideal" relationship, two people would make one another stronger, bring out the best, and support one another's goals... but S and I did not reach that ideal.  He definitely allowed me to pursue ttc and also brightened my life with companionship and entertainment, but with regard to career and home/community, I don't think we consistently or effectively supported one another.  From my perspective, he held back a lot of himself from me.  And I could definitely put the blinders on...

It's Over... Again

Well, the Snake struck again.

I thought we were in an exploratory time together.  But he did his classic blindside routine, making a unilateral decision based on his own fears and insecurities. Instead of talking to me about these fears and insecurities. he informed me that he wasn't feeling the romantic side of things enough to continue moving forward.

I'm enraged and disgusted.  I trusted him and opened up to possibilities, though I had my own doubts.  I thought we were in it together.  There were so many ideas we discussed that will now never see the light of day.  I don't feel we gave it a good chance.

But believe me when I say I will not be lingering and suffering and analyzing over many months again.  He's not worth the time and energy.  I will be continuing on in my own growth growth and self-awareness process.  And hopefully I will meet someone who has the courage and the ability to meet me fully and honestly in an intimate relationship.  Until then, I will continue my own soul's work.

My doubts around chemistry definitely came up again this week, so from that perspective, I feel hope that I will find someone with whom I feel more spark.  And maybe, at some point soon, I will be in a position to pursue the family I've imagined for myself.

Today is a dark day, but I know tomorrow will be better.

Time Off and More Talking

This week has been one of three weeks off from my teaching job.  It just worked out that way because of a school break and a delay in signing on the next school.  Here's praying that the next school signs on the dotted line!  This situation classically illustrates the unreliable aspects of working for a grant program.  Luckily, I've been working double hours lately, which leaves me with a bit of savings.

I told myself (and S) that I was going to search for another part-time job for several hours every day this week.  I did spend time writing and reflecting on my goal of working as a Transition/Green Career Counselor.  And it looks like I can make some money working for the Perm.acultureXchange website, researching and conducting partner outreach..... but I haven't been disciplined enough and am feeling frustrated with myself.  Tomorrow is a new day and I WILL spend a good chunk of time to that end.

S and I spent all Sunday together.  The idea was that we would do our Sunday "routine," but, yeah, that didn't happen so much.  I came over and was flooded with emotion remembering the conflicts we had over there before we broke up and also that his ex had been living there all of December.

So, instead of Spiritual practice, we ended up talking a lot more about all that.  Then we did head down to the Farmer's Market and to dance/workout.  Followed by lunch and more talking.

Major insight:  when we've felt stuck trying to talk through conflict, he is totally committed to making me understand why my actions/strategy are not working, and I am totally committed to trying to reconnect through compassion for one another.  Mental versus emotional.  Head versus Heart.  Does not compute.  This is a breakthrough because we got stuck there a lot at the end!

Tonight we're going to dinner/movie.  And probably more talking!  Ha!

SSSaturday Night

Spending an exciting Saturday night cooking and watching a pre-recorded show about Whitney Houston's life.  Her voice was spine-tinglingly amazing and listening to "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" takes me right back to high school.  Just starting to get into the Bobby Brown part of her life.  I was sad to hear of her passing and would like to hear any new details that may help me understand more about her.

Last night, S and I had drinks at my house and then went out to dinner.  More talks.  More processing.  And an awareness that things feel different.  This may sound cheesy, but they feel more honest and real.  It seems like we are both willing to be more vulnerable.  

He's starting to get an inkling of how this situation affected me emotionally.  I'm better understanding his complete cluelessness.  lol  It's hard, but I have come to believe he did not "force my hand" in breaking up with him; that he truly did not think this situation would cause our relationship to implode.  

We've come to realize that we were both in some denial at the end of last year - hoping things would get better or "go back to normal" but growing farther apart.  I think the jealousy was largely connected to insecurities we both felt about our relationship.  There were ways I maintained distance from him in my heart.  He did the same.  I have some hope at this point that we both may be willing to do work that could open new possibilities.  But I'm not going there quite yet.  

I will say that tomorrow morning we are going to get together for our Sunday morning routine, which was something I always loved:  meditation and spiritual reading, a trip to the Farmer's Market, and carpooling up to my dance and his workout class.  I'm looking forward to it.  But even as I write this, I am realizing that I don't want to have expectations for things to unfold in some idealized way.  That was part of how I contributed to problems.  If difficult feelings come up in him or in me, I want to be present to them and not take the perspective that they are ruining things, if that makes sense.  

Okay, enough analysis, back to Whitney.  Hope you are all enjoying your weekend!

Report on "The Talk"

Talk with S went very well.  I was able to express the deep hurt and also the anger, and he heard it and felt things I wanted him to feel like guilt and compassion.  I understand more of his side of the fence--the main new information being that he was thrown both when I broke up with him and later when I said I didn't want to be friends.  He expected a reaction but not to that level.  He thought we would still go to Oregon.  Also, he thought I would come around to thinking about his history with the ex and bring that more into my considerations.  I reiterated how it felt like he emotionally broke up with me prior to me formally taking that action.

There were things he said that I want to know more about, like how he sees he has a pattern of "setting a trap," referring to the situation with me and his ex.  I want to know more about his feelings when he said that yes, he was going ahead with his plans despite how I felt and how I said I couldn't handle it.  I know some of the thought process, but I want to know the feelings.  Part of me still feels pain thinking of that moment and that decision on his part.  He said he felt dizzy and sick to his stomach when he got the email about me not wanting to be friends, and I admit that felt soothing to hear.  We acknowledged the sadness that we didn't get more help from resources in our community and the many connections we have.

We are going to talk again soon.  At the end of our talk, we held each other and ended up kissing.  I won't lie; it felt really good.  More warmth and tenderness mixed in with the passion part.  Who knows what that means.  I'm just trying to stay focused on myself as we talk through things that have needed talking for a long time.

A Busier than Usual Weekend

Actually getting together tomorrow in-person with S to talk about our relationship and it's demise.  I still struggle with wrapping my head and heart around his decision about the ex at the end, and how he could have held the idea of her coming out and staying with him in his head our entire relationship.  So hopefully I'll find a bit more peace with that whole thing.

The dark side in me that I want to forget, which I've shared a lot about in previous posts, revolves around my doubts around our chemistry and my judgments of him, as well as my tendency to want to force things to be what I wanted them to be at times.  I honestly think our two sides are connected.  It doesn't make it okay, but it helps explain the disconnect that might open the door for him to consider such things.

The confusing thing about relationships is that everything - all the issues and feelings - are wrapped around each other and interconnected like jungle vines.  Trying to dissect and unravel "my part" and "your part" can be an exercise in higher emotional math.  But, yes, I enjoy higher emotional math more than most!

Shout out to all you who've been enduring the sick lately.  I've been under the weather since a week ago last Tuesday with this cold/cough crud that's been going around.  I'm grateful there wasn't any severe congestion, knock on wood (this thing has had so many phases, I wouldn't be surprised if another one rolled around), but the coughing has been a real joy.  Not so much.

I'm kind of warped in my sense of humor sometimes and would tease certain more rowdy kids with threats I was going to cough on them.  hehe  Maybe that's really inappropriate; I'll probably get a call from a parent.  In my defense, I never actually DID it.  :-)

Brief side note:  I confirmed that there will be no hours for me for at least two or two-and-a-half months this summer = increase the urgency in search for added income sources!  I also talked to the Dean of our department, and she said there are no additional grant hours available.  And even if there were, I could only work a total of 16 hours a week per a specific District rule.  Disappointing.  She also said supportive things about my value to the team and gave me some positive guidance, so that felt good.

Looking forward to my Heart and Soul community meeting tonight and the Dances of Universal Peace being led by another member.  The creativity will continue tomorrow morning when I attend the Mosaic class my brother gave me for my birthday.  Their class description said we will all leave with a completed mosaic art piece; very cool!  Seems like good energy to move into my talk with S. . .

Seeking Within

The housemate and I watched the Super.bowl together and his team (he grew up in NY) won, so that was fun.  I made yummy 7-layer bean dip, and we drank porter and later cooked up some pesto pizza.  A regular party around these parts, yo!

I'm about to go read me some more of the book, "Undefended Love," which I shared about in a previous post.  If you go through a heart-wrenching breakup, you may as well get some personal growth out of it, right?  The exercises I've done so far have been helpful, though I'd like to be doing them with a partner.  C'est la vie.

I'm becoming more and more convinced that my time right now should be spent on working on myself versus seeking a man.  I'm tired of desperately seeking.  A psychic in San Luis Ob.ispo told me before I moved up here a couple years ago that the right man would find me.  That my baby was waiting for this man and I to get together.  She said this man would be good looking, not need mothering (as she said many men I've been with so far have needed), and would have a child already or we would adopt one together (in addition to the baby we would create).  So there you go.  I just need to hang out and wait for him to show up!

Regardless of the veracity of her prediction - and actually I need to write another post about growing doubts I'll even have a biological child - I'm sick and tired of Ma.tch f'ing com and all the other crap dating sites.  I'm too weird (i.e. too 'deep' and artsy and progressive, etc.) to find my match on there.  

Plus, I'm still sorting through the remnants of my breakup with S.  We talked on the phone Thursday night, which felt surprisingly good.  He proposed we just check in that night about what had been happening in our lives and then talk again in two or three days about the relationship, to which I agreed.  Since the conversation, I've been thinking of him more and missing him.  I know, however, that what I need to focus on is getting more clarity and possibly healing.

I think part of missing him is just plain feeling lonely.  This book is helping me to not run away from those feelings. . .

A Not-So-Bad Weekend

Looking at the number of comments, I wonder if people are getting sick of reading about my relationship analysis.  I don't blame those of you that feel that way.  It has been a lot.  But it helps me to understand.  I've always been that way.  Maybe because my dad was so internal and uncommunicative, and I never knew what was going on with him.  Or maybe it's just my personality (ha! there I go analyzing again).  And I do like to have a record of the process to look back on.

After the email exchange in the last post, I texted S to ask if he was attending a party I knew we were likely both invited to this weekend.  He wrote back no, and we ended up texting/emailing a bit over the weekend.  It's helping me a lot to know he cares and feels pain, as well, and to know more about where he's at right now.  Clearly, from his communication, he's avoiding really facing his feelings.  I can't force him to do so or to talk to me in person.  I know we will talk eventually, though, and that helps to let it go for now.

Believe me, I still have a lot of anger about the choices he made, but it is tempered somewhat by remembering my own feelings and choices and how they affected him throughout the relationship.

I went out with a friend yesterday afternoon to an art party.  It fed my need for beauty.  The artist (someone I know from my community work) does amazing drawings, and works with Batik in deep, vibrant colors.  I bought a small batik picture of a bridge, waterfall, and forest in an area of Washington called, "Five Step."  Growing up in Oregon and living in Seattle for so many years, I still feel a deep connection to the Northwest, and this picture brings that alive.  I can't wait to hang it up.

Afterwards, I went to a healing and expressive arts gathering.  When I walked in, they were doing a blessing of different directions.  I've done this before, but walking into it not knowing anyone, I felt awkward.  From then on, however, the meeting was fabulous.  We did some EFT and Franklin Method activities, and I led an Image Theatre visioning exercise for the group (picture below).  We will be meeting monthly, and I'm optimistic about where this group might lead for me personally and professionally.

All in all, a not-so-bad weekend.  Hope you had a good one, too!

P.S. I realize I never concluded the Cop saga:  as you might have guessed, it's over-and-done-thank-God.  A bit more texting silliness and word from him that he was once again immersed in drama with his ex, and that was the final straw I needed to say, "bye-bye."  Safe to say, I think that whole situation may have been a bit of a rebound thing. . .

Another Round of Fun

It's been a while, but I recently had another cry about my break-up with S.  The wave of sadness came on unexpectedly, as they often do; this one while re-reading our most recent email exchange.  


We had not communicated since I had emailed him post-Christmas, after receiving his email confirming he had spent the holiday with his ex and that his romantic feelings for us had been fading - according to him, of their own accord, not due to anyone else taking that focus.  I said that I doubted his ability to be truthful and did not want to be friends at this point, but may want to talk in the future.  


Then, a couple weeks ago I felt strong enough to talk further about our relationship and insights I had discovered.  So, I wrote him an email explaining the emotional pain in which I wrote the last email, but that I was now feeling the need for more closure and understanding.  I asked if he was willing to have a conversation, and this is the core of the reply I received:


"We did have something special. I'm left confused by our breakup. However, I feel deeply convinced that it's the right thing for me. 

I'm not up to, nor up for, discussing it with anyone yet, and probably least of all with you. I think I did a few things that would have been very hard on any relationship, and I think some of your ways of reacting and interacting were particularly hard on me (vs. some imaginary "average" man who's a bit less sensitive, especially to particular constructions of words). 

I have a lot to unpick on my side before I'll be more emotionally resilient, and ready to not require of a partner that they be extraordinarily resilient, just to withstand my being what seems like myself. I do still think this will need expert help. 

As we saw, the hard way, I also have strong connections to two of my exes, and I have to figure out just what I'm willing to give and take on those before I try a relationship again."


Is it just me, or is his tone excessively formal?  Actually, knowing him, I can say that he tends to write on the formal side but this is extremely formal, even for him.

He also said he's not ready to talk about our relationship as a whole and asked for space.  No specific timeframe but indicated several months.  Btw, he didn't say anything I hadn't already heard, content-wise, in the email.  Some of the things he says point out our differences in preference for direct and indirect communication.  I thought the way he framed the situation with his exes was particularly gentle on himself, to put it mildly.


After reading this email from him, I felt disappointed, angry, and hurt (also some yuckiness).  Because of the formality and refusal to engage with me, I guess.  Is his response fair?  What is going on with him?  Feeling guilty?  Or just emotionally overwhelmed and unable to deal with talking to me?  


It feels like he's holding onto control and not considering my feelings in the equation, which is resonant with how he's behaved as a whole during our breakup.  

I did write back an immediate response, which I don't regret, and which says some of the things I've wanted to say.  But it's far from comprehensive.  Here is an excerpt:

"I have a couple initial thoughts I'd like to share.  I want to be clear I was in not asking you to get back together.  I was asking for what I consider an extremely reasonable thing: to have a conversation about our relationship post-breakup.  That you will not have this with me is deeply confusing and hurtful to me.  Do you not feel some sense of responsibility, or, if not that, caring for my needs around this?  I don't understand what is so scary or threatening about talking to me.  Part of what I wanted to share with you has to do with my own revelations about myself and some of the choices I made; stuff I imagine you would want to hear."


I then expressed some strongly-worded feelings about how his choices at the end of our relationship sucked and diminished my view of us and our relationship. . .


". . .That said, I recognize my own role in our issues, including checking out sometimes and not being present to what was actually happening, taking you and your communication for granted at times (or not respecting and caring for your feelings at times around communication).  And there was lots of stuff with our chemistry, on both sides.  I just wanted it to get better but was not admitting that it was not getting better and was in fact getting worse.  I don't completely understand, because the emotional/mental is so interconnected with the physical, but there were problems and I don't think I faced them directly at the end."


Ah breakups, how fun you are.  Not.


I'm really doing okay overall and healing well.  But we shared so much, and he and our relationship meant a lot to me.  I want to understand as much as I can about what happened.  And I do want more closure.  I suppose I may have to find more closure for myself at this time, as so many people have had to do before me when their partner refused to process with them.  


Admittedly, when I transport myself back through the reality of our relationship, I remember how so many times I did not want to get close to him in circumstances that I think in a "healthy enough" relationship you should want to get close to someone.  As I said to him, I don't fully understand how the emotional/mental connects to the physical.  On some level, did I sense that he was not being completely transparent with me about his exes and therefore feel unsafe and less attracted/sexual with him?  I don't know.  He had lapses in his feelings of hotness for me too that may have fed into my feelings.  


Overall though, I don't think the hotness factor was high enough for what I want and need in a long-term relationship.  SO many wonderful companion qualities were present.  And at the beginning, he was so into me that it fueled my passion for him.  Does anyone else experience this phenomenon of feeling more attracted to someone if they are totally into you?  Anyway, this pattern seemed to subside far too quickly, within a couple months of us committing to each other.  


Another factor that fueled our attraction/connection was trying to get pregnant.  Something both of us really wanted.  And it was exciting that we both were so fully on board with this goal and working toward it together, going through the process each month as a team.  I can tell you, after trying for many cycles over the years as a single woman, it was really nice to have someone else next to me on the roller coaster sharing mutual support.  But month after month of failure. . . and then we took a month off from trying. . . and our already deflating passion seemed to deflate further.  


Thanks for listening to my ongoing analysis.  Your support and comments through this breakup has really meant a lot to me and helped me through the dark times.  


Part of me would like to write a second email to him saying, "F you," to take some control (and if I'm honest, hurt him like he hurt me).  But that would be shooting myself in the foot considering we are part of the same community and will have to deal with each other in the future.  


Also, emotionally, I would like to end on a healthy note, ideally even a loving note, but time will tell if that is possible.  For now, I will just keep healing my own heart and writing my feelings, as needed, on my own.  And if I get to the place where I want to send him a more comprehensive final letter, I can do that too.

Update: Jobs and Cops

So glad I'm not working right now.  And yet. . . I'm ready and wanting to find another income stream, especially considering my supervisor will be hiring another teacher soon and my hours will go back down. 

Any ideas for me in terms of job search strategies or possible employers?  I think I've shared a lot about my work background but to revisit: I have a Masters in Psychology and lots of experience with career counseling, interactive theatre (especially using it for self and career development and community building), as well as communication and curriculum development.  Work environments have more recently included Non-Profits, Private Non-Profits, and community colleges, but in the past, businesses as well. 

Ideally, I would find something part-time, since I'm already working 15-20 well-paid hours through my current grant.  I really wish I could find paid work for the Transition Town movement.  Maybe I should at least ask Transition U.S. if I could submit my resume, though I know they are a pretty lean organization.

I found a few possibilities on job sites and am applying for them today.  And there may be some extra hours I could get from other grants at the community college where I work.  My supervisor gave the green light to talk to the head of our department about it.  Wish me luck!

In the oh-so-fun dating arena, the situation with the COP has had a couple more ups and downs.

On the second and most recent date on Monday, we walked around a local reservoir.  The chemistry was definitely still there, but I think our ongoing drama has created reticence in both of us.  It was a beautiful walk.  We stopped and walked out onto a secluded dock at one point and made out a little.  :-)

Continuing on, he talked a lot about the stress he was under in his job, the traumatic domestic and violent situations he's dealt with, how humor was such a huge coping mechanism, but he knows what he went through has affected him and created a lot of repressed emotion (my wording).  He said if he ever got counseling, he would need to talk to someone who had been a cop and could understand his reality.

This may sound callous, but I was empathizing and really with him up to a point, but then I wanted him to ask about me and give me some air time.  He basically talked most of the time and was very absorbed in his own feelings.  At the end he asked me what was going on.  I said I knew I couldn't really understand what he'd been through, but I needed to say that I did think it would be good if talked to someone - that he would have access to more of himself - and he agreed.

I also said I was needing to know he was interested in me and requested that he ask me a question (yes, I am that direct sometimes).  Well, he got all defensive.  We got past it and ended up being kind of romantic at the end, but my heart wasn't totally in it.  I'm just really wanting more consciousness in my relationships now, and the ability to communicate and hear one another at deeper levels.  Anyway, we have decided to take a break for a few days and check back in this weekend.

In this break, he is supposedly deciding if he wants to work on himself and try and be more open to communicating and hearing feelings.  So far, when I express vulnerable feelings, it makes him uncomfortable and he deflects with jokes or defensiveness.

Believe me, I know that I have issues, and I certainly don't expect him or anyone I date not to have them, as well.  But more self-awareness = more ability to take responsibility for our own actions and reactions; to acknowledge when we have treated the other person unfairly from a place of being "triggered" into some old pattern.

In addition to the date described above, and as I shared about in the previous post, he has really put me through the wringer with his unconscious communication.  It's been intolerable.  I told him I don't have the emotional fortitude to withstand it.  Basically, he communicates a bare minimum through texts and leaves me hanging for periods of time.  He rarely initiates phone calls and doesn't follow through on making plans to meet.  He'll seem interested in getting together, and then something "comes up," like needing to help his roommate, and he says he can't.  But in our conversations, he's often intensely romantic and plaintively says he misses me and wishes I was there with him.  When I've confronted him on his crazy-making behavior, he's admitted to feeling a lot of fear because I can "get inside his head."  I'm sure his recent divorce also plays a role.

We've met two times, and it's like we've had an entire relationship, complete with several break-ups.  Too much drama!  I knew it was not conscious or healthy enough for me pretty early in, but the energy and chemistry we had was really seductive.  I haven't had that strong of connection with anyone for a long, long time.  And he made me laugh, and who can resist a man who makes you laugh?

But the drama has dampened all that.  If he decides he really wanted to work on himself, then I will consider trying, but otherwise, I'm done.

The Cop

It's been a busy week.  The cop and I have continued to talk and text and actually did manage to meet up.  It was a really good meeting and the chemistry was not overestimated. :)  I really want to give him a chance, even though he's shown me in several ways that he has less self-awareness than I would like and also has a lot of fear that is holding him back from making plans.

Or at least I think it's fear; fear is what he's shared with me.  But maybe partly it's just who he is.  Basically he hasn't asked me out to do anything with more than a few hours notice and he decides he really wants to see me once it gets to be about nine or 10 'o clock at night, when it's not reasonable that I drive out to see him or vice versa.

From all the talking we've done, it feels almost like we're in a relationship, but when I consider we've only met once in person, I don't necessarily consider that a good thing.  I'm resentful that he's causing me anxiety around the simple commitment of meeting and getting to know one another face to face.

There was a word for this, I think from the Artist's W.ay:  Crazy Making.  He's practicing crazy making, and I'm not enjoying the ride.  The flip side is  that he has consistently been in communication in other ways, by text and by phone, and he has responded to my feelings by stopping certain behaviors like dropping communication (deciding we were done communicating for the moment, then starting another activity and not responding to my texts/calls).

He's expressed that he likes me.  But he's also expressed that he's never met anyone like me and that it really scares him that I could "get inside his head," as few people have.  Did I mention he worked as a hostage negotiator?  He's told me about his early life, as well, which I won't go into here, but it makes me feel a lot of compassion for him.  And I certainly understand being gunshy after ending a 17-year marriage only last year.

But I know I'm not willing to go crazy or sacrifice my peace of mind over someone.  I need there to be mutual consideration and respect, regardless of how much fear either one of us may be feeling.

So last night I told him I'd been thinking and that I'm needing more consideration in making plans together. . . and then didn't hear from him again all night until exchanging a brief goodnight text.  Sad but I know it was the right thing.  If we can't move into "normal" dating and hanging out, then I know I don't want to continue.  It's just too much anxiety, and I don't possess the emotional fortitude. . . despite the sizzling chemistry.

* Update: he texted a "hi" this morning and again later in the day, but we still haven't talked.  I'm not sure what's going to happen.

Strange Days

Strange days, folks, strange days.

It feels like more time has passed than actually has since Christmas.  Still a little freaky that S and I actually broke up.  I did not see that coming (before finding out about the ex living with him for a month, that is).

Never expected to be back on the ridiculous site known as matc.h.c.om.  Ridiculous, yet so enticing for us introverts.  You mean I don't have to go out and actually meet and make small talk with people?  Awesome.  Of course, eventually you do need to meet the person and take things offline.

Which is precisely where I am with the former officer of the law: just prior to meeting.  Honestly, I'm not sure I really should.  We are sooo different, and he's way less open and self-aware at this point.  He says he wants to grow and learn in that area.  On the other hand, he is quite spiritual and analytical: I think I mentioned he was a hostage negotiator and also led a youth mentoring program for quite a while.

So he's got some depth but he's also a pretty well-constructed external shell, as you might imagine he would, thinking of a stereotypical person in law enforcement.  Also, though he's been broken up with his ex-wife for a year, their final papers are just now going through and he's still feeling some pain.

One more facet of our connection: we've had these crazy "energetic exchanges," I guess you would call them, where we're on the phone not talking but feeling as though we are physically connected in a yummy cuddly type way.  It feels really amazing and kinda trips me out. . . We're supposed to get together Sunday, so we'll see.

On other fronts, teaching the little hellions two days a week is okay so far, knock on wood.  My supervisor is interviewing and should hire someone soon.  I'm planning to ask the head of our department if there are any other grants on which I might assist, in addition to this one.  Funding is always uncertain but they have a big variety of grants, and I understand they may need some help.

And then I have my Transition Heart and Soul meeting tomorrow night.  A group called "Green Sangha" will be coming to lead meditation and discuss consciousness / meditation / sustainability / green principles.  Fun stuff!

Saturday, I'm planning to attend the opening of a local Peace and Justice Center here in Oak.land and a Non-Violent Communication Workshop on navigating interpersonal conflict in the afternoon.  I see on Fac.ebook that S is signed up to attend the opening, as well.  It may be our first community "run in," which is a bit scary.

I actually wrote him an email yesterday asking if he would be willing to have a more closure-type relationship talk, now that some time has passed.

Waves of sadness and missing him come and go now, but they're smaller and a lot farther between (I can't say the cop hasn't been a distraction).  Anger still colors my view of our demise.  I'm not sure how I'll feel if I run into him at this event.  Imagining it will be awkward.

Finally, a Good Mood

I've been in a good mood today, believe it or not.  The first true good mood in several weeks, if not longer, it seems.

Possible reasons include cutting back on the supplement DHEA, which I think may be helping.  In addition, I'm on what I call my "hormonal upswing," a few days into my cycle, and I had a really big, ugly cry on Monday (and a smaller one yesterday), which released some grief.

During my Monday cry, I became clear that I'm aching to fully love someone - that I hadn't been able to do that with S and felt deeply sorry about that fact.  It sounds fairly simple but felt like a significant insight and shift from feeling despairing and wounded.  I still have sadness and am constantly getting triggered by memories and seeing emails or event announcements for things we did together in the past.  I looked at his Facebook page today.  So, clearly I'm still thinking about him, but the feelings don't seem as raw.

As a result of talking about my insight with my housemate, he ended up loaning me a copy of the book he's working through with his (sort of) girlfriend, called Undefended Love.  It's about the balance between the polarity of deeply connecting with yourself and deeply connecting with another person.  And about true intimacy coming from directly facing your fears/vulnerability and being present with whatever is happening, versus automatically reverting to old, well-worn defenses that feel safe and familiar.  I guess there are some exercises further along in the book.  I'll let you know how it goes.

Did I mention I rejoined Mat.ch.c.om?  Initially, it was a move to soothe my ego and gain some equilibrium in the situation with S.  Maybe some of that is still true, but I'm also feeling like it's a healthy thing for me to be "out there" interacting with people.  I've only been on the one date so far before Christmas, which didn't have much chemistry. . .  and I was still pretty deep in the grief at that point too.

In the last few days, I've been emailing with a recently retired (he retired early to receive his full pension or something; he's only a few years older than me) cop from a nearby town.  I like him a lot and he's funny, but he still seems to have some grief going on of his own from his divorce.  Maybe we're perfect for each other right now!  lol

Finally, school started back up this week.  I'm teaching two days a week, covering my co-teacher's (who quit) days, as well as my own.  This is supposed to be the "worst" school, but I'm generally liking it so far, knock on wood.  The teacher is very supportive of our program and involved with activities, so that's making a huge difference.  There's the one rowdy period, of course, who get on my last nerve, but it's not intolerable so far.  We're not sure if we have a school lined up after this one, so my fingers are crossed.  I'm skating on financial fumes after the holidays and cannot wait until payday on Tuesday!

I have been reading other blogs and appreciating hearing others' feelings and experiences as the year turns.  It makes me feel less alone.  I truly wish that you all receive the dreams of your heart (and more) in 2012!

Telling on Myself

Happy New Year's Eve.

Continuing to slowly climb out of the hole.  Gradually relying less on vices to cope with my grief.  Trying to bring in some meditation and writing.  Still drinking more than usual and watching a lot of television though.

My housemate came back from New York where his family lives, but he's been staying over at his  girlfriend's (or whatever she is right now) house.  I guess the idea is to spend a lot of time together and talk a lot over this weekend, then see where they're going to go.  They've been together a year or so I think and broken up twice in that time.  She's high energy and can turn in to a human tornado of emotion, especially around her stressful job managing a retreat center.  He (my housemate) is more introverted and gets overwhelmed with her agitation.

He also feels taken for granted, as well as devalued at times when she has had "friendships" pop up from the past with other guys.  She's been a very free spirit over the years, traveling a lot, lovers in every port, etc.  Anyway, they do have lots of chemistry and have been trying very hard, so actually I hope they can work it out.

To catch up on my own mess, when I got back from Christmas, there was an email from S (I'm going to call him S for Snake, instead of sh/cm, because it fits my feelings right now) saying his romantic feelings had faded the last few days - not because of any focus on another person - but on their own accord.  And he wanted to enter the New Year as friends.

Well, that hurt.  Even though I was uncertain what I wanted, there was at least some hope, and we had been processing relationship issues together over email.  This felt like yet another slap.  I do have to admit that I emailed him first, the day before, saying that I needed to step back emotionally.  I had asked him what he was doing for Christmas and there was a deafening silence on that front, which clearly indicated he spent it with his ex.  It made me realize how very uncomfortable I still was with the whole situation and that I couldn't really be processing anything with him while this was going on.  But I expected him to understand; for us to pull back but there be a desire on his part to continue talking later.

As I write this, I realize I probably shouldn't have been processing things with him in the first place at this time, all things considered.  But it is SO hard to break up with someone and just float out into the ether.  It's an emotional shock and leaves such a huge gaping hole in your heart, as well as your life (I imagine you all know what I'm talking about).  It sounds good to "be tough," but it feels horrible.

Anyway, I responded to his post-Christmas email with a fairly short response saying I had sadly come to doubt his capacity to be truthful, as well as his very character, and I didn't want to be friends.  That I may want to talk at some point in the future but, for now, goodbye.  That felt right and strong but then the recent lonely days wore on me. . . I know I should be getting out and distracting myself, but I'm low on money after Christmas and feeling low energy too.

So, I had a mini-slip yesterday and sent him an article from Psychology Today called, "Promise Keepers - The Committed Partners Who Stay Faithful to Each Other," about the 50% of relationships in which both partners manage to remain faithful.    I saw the flaws of our relationship in some of the qualities she described, and it evoked both an ache and an excited feeling of affirmation, like, "Yes, yes, that's what I wanted!"  For example, this section on "Inclusion":


Think inclusion rather than exclusion. Faithful partners know the differences between privacy and secrecy. Private thoughts or actions do not necessarily threaten a relationship, but may. Anyone can be more susceptible to slipping from something innocent to a potentially dangerous situation. Faithful partners put their relationship above those possibilities.

Intimacy is about trust, trust is about honesty, and honesty is about not hiding anything. When partners have nothing to hide, they don't end up fugitives from each other. They don't want to harbor concerns that what they are doing could potentially threaten the sanctity of their bond.

In the moment of reading the article, I felt deeply compelled to send it to S.  I thought I was coming from a somewhat detached place of wanting him to understand what might have helped us, but also an altruistic desire to help him learn for whatever possible future relationship he ended up in.  In retrospect, I wanted him to understand what he did "wrong" and what kind of relationship I wanted, but also it was a little piece of connection with him.  I'm definitely getting stronger and feeling more balanced, but clearly still struggling with the loneliness and separation.  

So, I guess I wanted to "tell" on myself here.  I don't know what he's got going on with his ex - they could be making like bunnies over there - but it's not my business and it's not really the point.  He behaved very badly.  I need MUCH more respect, transparency, and caring for my feelings from a partner I'm with long term.  I am deeply disappointed and sad about the choices he made and for the way things ended, but I take responsibility for having doubts and issues of my own that seriously affected our relationship.  

At this point, I'm trying to find faith that there may be someone else out there for me with a stronger character and a stronger chemistry with me, who still has a lot of the wonderful shared values, interests, goals, and communication that S and I shared.  But sometimes I'm not so sure. . .

O-V-E-R

It's completely and totally over.  You'll get no more wishful posts.  Knowing me, likely some processing posts, but no wishful ones.  As my brother and sister-in-law would say, "What an a##hat."

The Blahs

Checking in from Oregon.  Like many other folks out there, I've had a mixed emotion Christmas, tinged with melancholy.  

It's been wonderful to spend time with my niece and nephew, of course, and I'll be heading over to my sister's again in a little while for a last dinner and visit.  Watching them open and play with presents yesterday and goofing around with them was priceless.

But today, my mood has been hovering in the crabby zone, likely in part because I drank (along with my brother, sister-in-law, and brother-in-law) quite a bit last night - for me, at least.  I haven't felt hungover, just kind of blah and sad.

Not surprisingly, I'm also feeling melancholy about my relationship situation.  I wish I weren't, but I am.

We were sending some emails back and forth, continuing to process stuff, but I decided I need to step back emotionally.  We started talking as if we may get back together, but I can't go there while his ex is still staying with him.

And even then. . . I know there are no guarantees, but I need to have more faith that he will value my feelings in his future decision-making.  The way this whole things went down was super lame, and I'm still angry and hurt about it.

On my side of the fence, I need to decide if I can accept him and his imperfections enough to fully step over the line into commitment, and I'm not there yet.  So I emailed him that I needed to emotionally step back for now, considering our current context, and I hope he understood my perspective.

Which was the right thing to do for me.  But I'm still sad.

Ending on an up note:  I got an iPhone for Christmas, yippee!!!  And some extra money to cover the additional data plan cost for a few months!  Yay!  The phone ships on January fourth, so I have a wait a couple weeks, but I'm excited.

Tripping

I'm driving up to Oregon tomorrow for Christmas and have several things to accomplish today before that happens.  The hot fudge is completed at least and most other presents purchased.  I guess I'm looking forward to seeing my family (some of them anyway).

I'm still feeling sad but, after talking to sh/cm on Tuesday night, I'm not as darkly depressed.  Perhaps I'm in denial, because we are still broken up.  But it helped to talk through the situation with his ex, as well as other issues in our relationship.

Regarding his approach to the ex situation, talk about denial!  Despite the intense feelings I expressed multiple times on the subject, he still thought, "We'll get through it somehow, it will all be okay."  He described this as believing in the strength of our relationship; I call it being thick-headed and stubborn.

He did say he had shifted emotionally and understood my feelings, and admitted he would have had a problem if the situation were reversed (and I admitted most people would struggle with their partner living with someone of the opposite gender, which seemed to mean a lot to him).  I think it was something he believed he "had" to do, and clung to the belief that it would all work out somehow with the strategy of him staying at my place a lot, etc.

When the proverbial excrement actually hit the fan and she said she was coming for a month, we also had been having problems and he was hurt and angry, which played into the way he handled it.

Bottom line, I am deeply disappointed that he didn't communicate more openly with me as a partner, with consideration for both our needs and feelings.  I'm sad that he didn't initially empathize with my feelings and take them more seriously.  He shared that he believed both of our jealousy was "unsustainable" and would have to lessen.  And that I would get more emotionally stormy than him about things, and he saw his role as upholding medium and long-term goals.  Or something like that.

I see the point of not always "buying in" to my emotions, especially around certain times in my cycle, but this was an issue that goes back to the start of our relationship, had come up several times, and was much more deeply rooted.  I know my own reactions to it are partially fueled by my own issues and insecurities but that's part of what I want a partner to do, be sensitive and help reassure me in areas where I struggle.

Granted, we each need to take responsibility for our own issues/reactions versus making the other person wrong, which is easier said than done.  But, basically, I wanted him to care about my feelings and work together to find a way to deal with the situation that was tolerable for both of us.

The other topic I want to mention relates to his emotional wound or trauma (he describes it as a dark void), which he had recently gotten in touch with when we first got together.  He talked about wanting to actively work with it but never really started on that process, which is what he says he wants to do now.  We'll see.  But it takes hold of him at times and causes him to see me as a bad person or purposefully unloving or hurtful.  It's the worst feeling to be on the receiving end of this, and, looking back on our emails over the past several months, has sabotaged the strength and joy in our relationship many times.  I know that my issues around perfectionism, as well as the aforementioned jealousy/insecurity, have also caused problems and pain, so I'm certainly not without blame.

Anyway, sorry for the ongoing analysis!  I'm deep in it right now.  I did go on a date Monday night.  We looked at Christmas lights and all the festivities going on down in Union Square in San Fran.cisco.  It was enjoyable and he's an intelligent, good guy, but the attraction wasn't particularly strong.  I might go out with him again, just for equilibrium purposes, when I get back from Oregon.

As a side note, sh/cm gave me a romantic, loving card and bought me a huge book of Romantic/Post-Romantic poetry, which felt loving and like an effort of sorts.  He also insisted on giving me some money to deal with car stuff, which I initially resisted but ended up taking because I would not have had to spend this money if we had gone to Oregon together, as planned.  And we drank wine and spent some time kissing, which may not be a "good" thing but felt very good.

Time of Darkness

Yes, it's my life, but I kinda wish it weren't right now.  I apologize in advance for what may be a darkish post.

Since last Spring, I felt like I was building the life I envision for myself: a partner in life with whom a share values and meaningful goals, a family, a community of interconnected, like-minded people, work that sustains me on multiple levels.  As this relationship seems to be crumbling around me, I have a sense that most of these building blocks are crumbling along with it.  I literally (hat off to Rob Lowe) feel like dying when I imagine returning to my single life, at least as it was before.

I finally spoke in person with sh/cm last night, but it was an unsatisfying exchange.  Though we did connect for a short time and he admitted he was a complete mess the day after I broke up with him, for the most part he wasn't really present.  When I asked him questions, he gave rational, measured answers, laced with sympathy.  Yuck.  Apparently, when he officially broke it off with his ex way back when in I think May (well, broke off their plans to give it another try; the marriage had ended a couple years prior), they talked about her still coming out around this time to wrap things up with work stuff, and he said he figured at that time that she would stay with him.  What?!  The relief I felt when he broke it off was huge, as it had been something hanging over us for those first few weeks when we were both technically uncommitted and dating others (but in reality were exclusive).  To hear that the trip, albeit shorter, was always planned, and that he assumed she would stay with him was hard to hear.

As an aside, I should say that during our conversation, I felt compelled to ask about whether he had any hope that we could work on his/my/our issues together, in some of the ways we had talked about before.  He basically said he's scared of his own negative patterns and how they affect him and affected us, and he needs to work on these on his own, outside of a relationship.

But stepping back, we had been having trouble for quite a while.  Remember all the jealousy?  I think that stemmed from a lack of trust and security on both of our parts.  I read something recently that said women's libido stems from a sense that the guy is hot for her and also trust.  As we went along, my trust in him diminished instead of grew, partly because he was not consistently sexually forward, as he had been, and partly because he told me he had spoken to his ex without telling me and that she was coming out for two weeks in January (the first I'd heard of it).  I don't remember when that was exactly - two or three months ago?  On my part, I questioned whether we had enough chemistry and expressed my doubts at times in ways that lessened his security, as well.

But ironically, he was the one who I would say had the most jealousy in our relationship, primarily around my platonic housemate.  I did come to understand and empathize with his insecurity around that situation, since the housemate and I are friends and we were, after all, living under the same roof.  But he would communicate these feelings in irrational ways that made me feel like I was actually cheating on him or doing something horribly out of line - like when I answered his phone call when driving in the car to theatre group with the housemate and wasn't as present as he felt I should be or when I didn't text him back that day not long ago.  Feelings, yes, I could certainly understand him having feelings about these things but it came out in terse, analytical, "grilling me"-type exchanges, which left me feeling defensive and sad.

Why did I put up with this?  Because from the beginning, he and I have had so many wonderful, connected times too.  We are on the same page in so. many. ways.  It's HIGHLY unusual in my experience to have so much in common with another person.  And we did have a strong attraction at the beginning and off and on throughout the relationship - though more off at the end.  Anyway, we could have great discussions about projects, issues, and feelings, and it was awesome being part of the same community and focused on similar environmental/social change issues.  And just having a companion for the more mundane things in life is so wonderful - everything from making dinner; to Farmer's Markets, community potlucks/meetings, and trips (well the trip to Oregon sucked, but other trips); and just hanging out all felt so good when we were "in it together."

Thinking of life without this companionship feels empty and cold, almost unbearable.  Yet, I must bear it.  I'm getting through one day at a time, the non-12-step way: drinking more than I should, even smoking cigarettes yesterday.  I'm sleeping okay, still exercising, and eating not too horribly, so I guess it's not a complete mess.

But I'm sad.  And I'm hurt.  And I know I had a part in the relationship breaking up, but right now it feels like he lit the final fuse and that sucks.

I have a date from Mat.ch.co.m on Saturday night: an effort to soothe my heart and ego, but I doubt it will amount to anything because of where I'm at emotionally plus I don't think the guy has enough emotional depth.  Honestly, at some level, I'm probably doing it to balance the situation with his ex, which is ridiculous because what does it matter now?

Thank you for listening to this disjointed outpouring.  Birthday and Christmas here I come, but my bells are broken.

We interrupt this relationship. . .

This has been a week from hell.  Starting with a horrible teaching day Tuesday in which everything that could go wrong technically did with regard to a medical video I was showing, and progressing to my boyfriend telling me his ex-wife was coming two weeks earlier and would be living with him for the month she's here.

He explained she would be sleeping upstairs in the loft space.  He swore that it was business only, that even if I ran off with some other man, he wouldn't be with her.  He said he could spend a lot more nights at my house and that we would still go up to Oregon for Christmas at the end of this month, in the middle of her stay.

But I couldn't take it.  The shock, hurt, and fear were too much.

To begin with, I told him there is no way I could deal with that, no way that she could stay with him, and at first he seemed like he was considering other options like her staying with one of his co-workers.

But the next day in emails, I could tell he was trying to placate me.  He wasn't answering direct questions about the situation and her staying with him, him spending time with her, etc.  So I called and asked him directly, and he told me that she was going to stay with him.

I said, "Even knowing all that I've told you about how it makes me feel and knowing what I said about not being able to handle it, you are still making that choice?"

And he mumbled a bit and then said, "Yes."

So I broke up with him.

It's been a few days now.  He picked her up at the airport yesterday and God knows what they are doing right now, but I'm trying not to torture myself with those kind of thoughts.

I've been feeling so confused and hurt about how he could so definitively choose to "honor his commitment" (about finishing things up with her work-wise) and "fulfill his obligation" (to talk things through with her and have closure on their marriage and post-marriage relationship) through her living with him for a month, when he knew that potentially could end our relationship, his current commitment?

And how could he think that it's okay to live with this woman who I've never met and who, the last time he saw her, he was sexual with and talked about "giving it another try" (around this time even), before he changed his mind and decided to be with me?

And finally, how could he present it to me as a done deal instead of talking it through with me and working harder to help me understand and get on the same page with him, which to me shows respect and love?

Trying to understand his perspective, which I hope to more directly hear about tomorrow night when he comes over to talk, I've considered a few things:

1. I have been extremely jealous and emotionally volatile around the subject and he has reason to doubt I could have talked it over with him rationally.
2. He feels a lot of guilt about breaking up with her back in the Spring.  He was married to her for four years I think and has a lot of history with her and agreements I don't know that much about with regard to business/work.
3. He feels deeply (not that I agree) that he owes her this and would be a bad person if he didn't do right by her in this way.  So in this light, he's not choosing her over me but feels he has no other choice in order to keep his self-respect and integrity.
4. I don't know why she had to come out two weeks earlier.  I was too angry to inquire clearly about this but plan to do so tomorrow night.  But if there was a good reason for this, putting her up in a hotel for a month would be thousands of dollars that he can't really afford (nor can she I'm fairly sure) and it's unlikely his co-worker could have boarded her for a month.  
5. Because he feels so clear in his own mind that he is not interested in being with her, he expects me to trust this.  I also wonder if he feels at some level that this is a fair exchange because I live with a man, and my living situation has brought up a lot of insecurity and jealousy in him over time. Even though I'm beyond clear that I have no attraction and have stressed this with him.  I've posted about this before. . .

I think that he rationalized it in his mind and somehow made it fit together as an okay choice.  But the close confidants I've told clearly think this situation is outside the norm and seem to understand and resonate with my outrage.  An ex from not all that long ago?  Living with him for a month?  Really? 

I met with my Non-Violent Communication group leader yesterday, and she gave me a lot of empathic support.  It felt good to release emotion and receive compassion.  I was also able, through this process, to come to some of the above understanding of his perspective, which is also valuable.  I'm not saying I think he made the "right" choice, but I can see more of the feelings and needs driving his actions.

Do I wish that my feelings and our commitment somehow trumped everything else?  Absolutely, but I guess that's not the case here.

One aspect that I need to own is that I have had my own doubts about our long-term compatibility, and I know this has affected our relationship and how I treat him at times.  He was very hurt the other day when I did not respond to a text, even though I did receive it, until several hours later that evening.  Does that show some lack of respect and caring?  Probably so.  And there are other things I've done and said that show uncertainty and less than 100 percent commitment to him in my heart.  So I need to own those things too and recognize they likely play a role here, as well.

So, yeah, a depressing week.

To end on a slightly positive note, I did go buy and decorate a small Christmas tree yesterday - the first time I've done this on my own.  And I went to dance this morning, even though I was feeling very anxious and sad, followed by going out to the awesomely-named "Karma Kitchen" and eating with dance friends afterwards.  When I got home, I colored my hair a lovely red-auburn color.  Now, I'm drinking wine and am going to watch a movie.

I hope tomorrow night brings relief and understanding.

p.s. I would appreciate hearing any feedback or experiences you might have to share related to this.

TWW and Test Results (not the test you're thinking)

I am nearing the end of this two-week-wait.  I wanted to share signs, which are likely all in my head or about my period coming (ah, the cynicism of so many months of BFNs) and also talk about the fertility test results I just received from Kai.ser.

With regard to signs, I had little to report until yesterday.  I dropped and broke a couple of things a few days ago, which seemed odd but probably unrelated.  I had a slight wave of nausea while out on a walk Sunday with sh/cm.  Usually - sorry for TMI - when I think I have nausea, I burp shortly thereafter, which explains it.  But nope, no burp this time.

Also, remember the implantation-type temperature dip I've had a couple of times now?  Well, I had that again on 10 dpo, but seeing as it's the third time and the first two times led to zilch, I wasn't so excited.

Then, yesterday, I had lower abdominal pulling/slight cramping feelings in the afternoon.  I told sh/cm that I feel like my period is coming and this cycle is likely coming to an end.  But this morning my temperature is still up, and I haven't had any spotting yet.  My cycle is due today or tomorrow.

On to the tests.  So I am now on sh/cm's insurance with Kai.ser, so I am starting up the process again with their reproductive endocrinology folks.  The first step is always a battery of tests, and I'm working my way through those.

The first round of prolactin/progesterone/thyroid came back yesterday.  Not what I expected.  My thyroid is too high (5.8 - indicating hypothyroid) and my progesterone is too low (5).  My progesterone has tended on the low side before but not this low.  There is a chance that it was really day 24 vs. 23 - you're supposed to test on days 21-23 - but it still shouldn't be that low, right?

Anyway, just in case, I started supplementing with progesterone cream until I can see the doctor who will likely recommend suppositories or shots.  I also took matters into my own hands with my thyroid medicine and started taking an extra quarter pill.

I'm so frustrated because earlier this year, I had thyroid testing done, and after first raising the dose when it came back a bit high, the doctor retested and lowered it again after deciding it was then a little low.  The problem is, I felt great on the first dosage adjustment, after she had raised it:  I lost a little weight (probably also due to running), my energy felt right, and I just intuitively felt in a good place with it.  So I think I probably should have stayed on that dose.

I guess there's no use crying over spilt milk, as they say.  I'm just worried that my hypothyroidism has affected my fertility these past few months.  Also, I wonder if my fertility supplements could have affected my thyroid levels.  Has anyone heard of that?  Perhaps a google search is in order.

At least these two issues can be theoretically "fixed."  The next round of testing in a few days (assuming I'm not pregnant) will include FSH, fasting glucose, and estradiol.  Here's hoping. . .

Cussing. Love. Christmas.

To follow up on a couple of things:

The field trip last Wednesday went great!  For me, at least. . . apparently one of the groups (the kids were divided into several groups that rotated through the different campus sessions such as Dental Assisting, and Health and Human Resources, etc.) had a few kids who were terrors.  They treated the Biotech professor so poorly that apparently she may not work with our program again.  And on one of the buses - not mine thank God - on the way back to the middle school, one of the girls told a very kind and helpful chaperone (a kid on the trip's parent no less) to "F$@k off!"  So, yeah, a few kids were suspended post-trip.  But my group was generally well-behaved, and I had a good day, so that's what matters, no?

I referred to a dark and confusing email from sh/cm in my last post.  Basically, he was upset because I didn't respond to a text he sent late Tuesday afternoon.  I was laid out on the couch at that point, nearly comatose, after teaching, but also I have to admit I was angry at him.  I had expressed some deep sadness in a phone call with him on Monday, the energy of which likely came from my past as well as the present situation, and he had not shown much if any compassion for me (granted, he was driving, but I still expected some mutterings of concern).

So, I didn't write him back right away and frankly forgot about it until we talked after my Interplay Theatre group later that night.  This triggered some old stuff in him, in turn - aren't relationships fun? - and he said in his email that he needed to "decouple."  Decouple?  Does anyone else think that sounds like "break up"?  He said in the next sentence that he wants to remain in a relationship but be less demanding of one another in communication.

In retrospect, I look at this email as a strategy he was using to get reassurance that I value him and love him.  But it was horrible for me to read.  So, long story short, there was some talking and crying on the phone yesterday, then he came over and we watched the Oregon Duck football game (Go Ducks!), ate pizza, spent some needed lovey/cuddly time, and talked through some stuff in-person, in a casual-type way (sometimes we get too intense!).  It was good, and I'm feeling a lot of love for him right now.

Going forward, he is going to try and tune in more when I express sadness and show his care and love.  And I am going to try and respond to his communication, even if it's not a "nice" response.  He stressed he would much prefer any response than none at all.  I also told him, though, that if I don't respond, I want "a pathway out" of the doghouse, or a way to be forgiven.  Sometimes, he gets stuck in making me wrong - or from his perspective get understanding and therefore achieve safety - and it feels horrible to be stuck there with him, being raked over the coals.  I'm feeling hopeful, now, that we've reached more clarity about our patterns and ways we can improve.

Side note:  In other relationships, I've experienced the pain and fighting but not the working through, understanding, becoming more intimate part.  So even though this may sound really hard, to me it's a good thing!

Christmasy!  Weekend!  First of a few, hopefully.  I'm heading out to a couple of holiday craft fairs and to pick up cookie ingredients and plan to spend the rest of the day getting my festive on at home.  I'll be digging out and sorting through the tree decorations for the tree we're getting tomorrow, then just puttering around making cookies.  A walk must be had somewhere in there, as well, because this day is too damn gorgeous to waste!

Hope you are enjoying your weekend, too.  Anyone else jumping into Christmas stuff yet?

p.s. No pregnancy signs to speak of yet at 9 days post-ovulation.  I've dropped and broken two things which seems odd.  Is clumsiness a sign?  And have been eating a lot, but, well, 'tis the season!

Mixed Bag

The hardest week down!  Yay, me!  And the girls in the my after school program are the sweetest thing ever (and not just because they love my theatre games).

On the other hand, a dark and confusing email from sh/cm.  More tomorrow. . .